heaven was wrong // fillie

lost

so this is what rock bottom feels like. huh.
who knew i'd end up here?
oh yeah.
everyone knew.
most people would say i had it coming to me.
and they'd probably be right.
i'm not exactly an angel.
-•-
tonight, the rain poured effortlessly in seattle. cars passed by me as i stood on the sidewalk near the local 7/11. or the "crack station" as some called it. car head lights illuminated me every once an awhile. it seemed darker tonight. darker then usual. maybe it was because my mind was clouded. lights from nearby buildings beamed around me, the brightness gave me a headache. it was mostly quiet, besides the sound of many rushing to get home. puddles that had been formed by the rain reflected the world outside of itself. it was really coming down. and yet there i stood. no umbrella, no shelter, just me. a single raindrop slid off my nose and onto the ground.

a puff of smoke escaped my lips. a cigarette was placed in between my two fingers. i had followed this same routine day after day, it was almost like a lifestyle. after school i'd take my old, beaten up skateboard and go down to the 7/11. i'm surprised that old thing still had wheels. but, i couldn't complain. it had taken me just about everywhere. i was at that damn gas station so often every employee there knew me by name and exactly what i bought everytime i came in. i would grab a pack of cigarettes and a monster energy. so i'd go out and smoke. sometimes i had some friends around to join me but, most of the time, i was alone. that's how i lived most of my days. friends came and went as they did and, things weren't always the best at home. i came here to escape. escape what i can't control.

my black hood was up, i stared down at my shoes. i had never realized how lonely i truly was. maybe that's why i started smoking. it was the only thing that made me feel good or any sense of purpose at all. i gained some sense of company by it with no one actually being there at all. oh, well i did have one friend. her name was sadie. sweetest girl i've ever met. to bad all she could manage to find was a crackhead like me. i tried my best to be a good friend but, i would always slip back into my old habits. she stuck around for awhile, but, all i did was push her away. i couldn't help it. getting attached was a trap.i had been fooled to many times.

i sunk into my hoodie. the cement floor under me was cold and wet. why was tonight the night i would realize all my wrong doing? i'm way to far gone to clean up my act now. but this wasn't entirely my fault, now was it. no. mommy and daddy were always fighting, mostly over money. sister always cried. i had tried so hard to keep up with the speed of it all, most people wouldn't have the stomach for it. and, for a long time, i had kept it all together. but, everyone has a breaking point right?

and here i am. it's 9:56. wednesday, september 21. heaven by the neighbourhood blasted from my earbuds. my body felt numb. i didn't go to school today, again. sure mommy will yell at me for that too. she always gets calls from the schools office ladies about how bad i've been. i don't call it bad, i just call it not really caring at all. i can't go home. i can't go to school. i've got no where. i'm 16 years old and i'm already in the shit hole . i really thought this kind of stuff happened to people when they had kids and real like problems. well, i suppose you could call depression and insomnia real life problems.

i had lived like this for so long i don't think i even know the difference anymore. the difference between feeling and being numb. they had almost melded into one feeling. i have memories of feeling happy, of feeling sad. but, they were so distant now. it felt like my old self was a million miles away. but, who's to say my old self was happy anyways.

i had lost my good looks what felt like years ago. now, i wore whatever was comfortable or whatever the hell i could find. my hair was cut short and was a dirty brown color. my oral hygiene has never been the greatest, more so now due to the nicotine. my nails were jagged and uneven. eye bags had become like a permanent stain under my eyelids. i had given up on being anywhere near pretty.

but, anyways, it's not like anyone gave a shit about me now. i'm sure everyone could care less about what happens to me. i can't really blame em. it's not like i've been the most 'keepable' person i can be. i was more of a what ever happens, happens kind of person. i never really cared what people thought of me. which had always been a good quality about me. one of the only ones. i was cold, moody, and over all an asshole. i never really tried to be but, i didn't really see the point of being nice to a world that chewed me up and spit me out.

so now i'm here. sitting at a gas station. listening to the rain. alone.

i stared down at my untied laces of my once white converse and cuffed jeans.

i tapped my foot rapidly as an idea passed through my mind.

was i really gonna go through with this?

i wandered out closer to the road. step by step.

i pushed my hood off my head, letting the rain hit my now exposed head.

i looked up into the dark sky. i asked it why. why did it have to be this way. i inched closer to the road. i asked it why it had to end this way. why not when i'm old and happy. why now when i'm young and miserable. it wasn't fair.

why now.

why me.

why.

going,
going,
gone.