Love: My Thoughts and Experiences

Love.

This is really just going to be telling my own story. So I do have a couple things to state.

1. I'm sorry for not uploading much, that's on me.

2. I'm 18 years old, so I still have much to learn about love.

3. I'm going to be sharing a very personal experience, so please be nice.

4. This one is for a very specific person, and you know who you are. I'm sorry for putting this out here, but I honestly thought maybe i could help others in a similar situation. I also need to get these thoughts out of my head and on paper. I do promise not to mention you by name or in anyway reveal who you are. If you don't want to keep reading, then feel free to stop here.

Now let's get into the "story"

Love is a strong word, one I don't like to use freely or unintentionally. I thought I would never fall in love, nor did I think I'd ever deserve it. But the thing about love is that it's not a bonding force, nor is it in anyway explicitly two sided. Love is an emotion that pulls you, but doesn't link you. You cannot choose the direction you are pulled, and you cannot convince whatever is pulling you to be pulled back. These statements are a bit much to come from an 18 year old, a child. I do, you'll find, have a reason for believing these statements.

I fell in love with my best friend. She's smart, and clever, and kind. She's always there for me and she has stuck through my idiotic mumblings and poorly timed and percipient confessions of love. When I say love, I mean it. It's not a crush, I don't "Like-Like" her, and it's not sexual attraction, I love her. Truly, my heart belongs to her. No matter what I'm doing, the back of my mind is focused on her. I dream of  her, of a future we could have had together. She's perfect, though she'd never admit (and even argue) It.

She does not love me. You may have seen this coming, it's not like it's a very shocking surprise. Hell, you probably know I'm not that likable if you've read any of my "How to write ____" Books ore my "Why I write" Story. I don't know how she feels about me truly, though I know that a relationship is out of reach. I'm not going to lie, I've been petty. I get jealous when I see her with other guy friends, I cry for myself, I complain about my broken heart to some of my friends (her included, which makes me even worse.) And while she does not love me, she remains my friend. My best friend. 

It's always been my policy to be open with my feelings. So I told her that I had a crush on her very early on into our friendship. And I told her when I fell in love with her. And I want to say that because someone doesn't return the feelings you feel, don't let that become a conduit for hate. She is still the best person I know, and I would hate to be the me who doesn't know her.

She says she's fine with my feelings, but I still feel like it puts a strain on our friendship. I often wish I had no romantic feelings for her, let alone love. I think things would be easier between us if that were the case. I feel like every time I put myself out there and offer to help her, she takes the action as me just trying to get into her pants. And even if she told me that she didn't take it that way, I'd think she was just trying to be nice. Because no matter how trusting you are, the heart will try and be happy or sad. This is why I'm constantly wondering if she does have feelings for me and is hiding it. And also why every time She tells me she's fine, my heart tells me she hates me.

But as much as I want to change my feelings for her, I know that i cannot change her feelings for me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't have feelings for me. I cannot change that. Love is absolute, It's not something you do half way.

  I also want to touch on one more thing. A lot of the none of you that are reading this are probably thinking that I'm only sexually attracted. And while she is the most gorgeous woman I've ever known, my thoughts hardly ever venture over to sex. In fact I often think about how smart she is, and how she'll probably be famous one day.  

I'm sorry, if you've made it this far. I know this is mostly incoherent ramblings. And to the person I love, if you're still reading this. I'm sorry that I feel this way about you, and I wish i could make our friendship better. But I'm okay with it the way it is.

And to my best friend, I love you. And you can take that as you will.