The Collection of Shit About "Him"

The Letter "I"

The Letter “I”

You say “love you” to everyone. 

Whether it be in text or in person.

It’s sometimes used as an apology for when you’re being an ass but it’s never serious. 

I always say “love you too” in reply. It’s feels like a lie that I keep to myself. It feels like someone else’s words that happened to fall from in my mouth. It slips off the tongue and it’s so much easier said than done. 

You always say it first and I’ve never felt the need to start that chain. I might mess it up, I might scare you, it might make things serious sounding. Two fucking words that can fall out of my mouth so casually on a daily basis. The secret that I keep is that with every time you say them I take one step closer to the edge. The edge of what I don’t know. My guess is something between actual love and burning hate. But you play it off so easily that it makes me swallow back whatever I intended to spit at you and replace it with “love you too.” So I shrug it off and continue on. You say it to everyone. Love you. Love you. Love you. Everyone. It doesn’t make me feel bad that you say it to everyone. I know it’s a part of you and I’m not jealous or angry that you can have that with so many people. But I must say this… the other day when I received a text from you that didn’t follow the conversation had previously I swear my heart stopped and  I felt sick. Two words were the same but they were preceded by one fateful word that had long been absent. I knew the whole time it was missing and I figured it was some sort of safe guard. I would remove it for safety’s sake. Keep everything at arm’s length. “I love you” was what I read. I. I. I. You said I and I may have temporarily lost my mind. I was torn between replying “I love you too” or the even greater urge to reply, “No you don’t.” So I took a moment to gather my thoughts and replied in the most cowardly way I knew. “Love you too.” I shouldn’t be a word to be ashamed of but it is for me. I refuse to ask if you meant anything by it besides your normal friendly way. I’m too afraid. Too afraid that it was just normal for you, too afraid to find out it was serious, too afraid to confront anything. I’m afraid of the letter “I.” Thank you. I’m ruined.