Nightmares

The Angel From My Nightmare

And my nightmares started again

"I don't understand, why can't you see that I love you?"

Her voice was shaky, I knew she was scared. But of course I was too. Suicide has always scared me.

I thought about what she was saying. I guess she had a point, she always showed she cared. She would tell me she loves me but I never really believe it. I can't trust anyone anymore.

I turned to look at her and instantly felt guilty. She chased me at least thirty minutes from our cheap apartment to the top of this building. She tripped a few times so her clothes were dirty and slightly ripped at the knees. Her long brown hair was slightly messy and there was bags under her still bright eyes. She hasn't slept much lately, neither of us has. I was living in the past constantly and I never let her help.

I turned back to look at the busy streets below before responding. "You know me, I have a hard time trusting anyone, its not just you." I heard her footsteps come closer to me but at this point I could care less.

I felt her arms wrap around my waist from behind as she pulled me back slightly from the edge. "You're better than this, you know that." she told me.

"No," I said. "I'm not."

She wasn't supposed to know. I had it all planned out. First was the pills. I heard this hurt a lot. But hey, fuck it. I found the prescription pills I was given to control my ridiculous emotions, but obviously they didn't quite work. I poured the contents of the bottle into my hand, swallowed them all and washed it down with whiskey. But that wasn't enough.

Next I needed blood. I walked back into the bedroom to find my box. It was a small box, filled with all the notes my old best friend gave me. I'll never forget the Summer she left me for a new girl, better in every way. I was heartbroken.

Each note was stained with blood from my wrists and tears that came from crying myself to sleep thinking of her. But what was more important was my blade buried underneath all the notes. I'd been cutting since 5th grade. I was shamed everyday for who I was. It just behcame too much at one point.

This blade was no pencil sharpener though, it could do real damage. I had to hurry this up before she got back.

I rolled up my left sleeve and looked down at the scars all scattered across my wrists. "Pathetic." I mumbled to myself before sliding the blade across my skin. Not cat scratches yet not deep enough to hit a vein, I don't want to die like that. I need to last until the final part.

I sat cross legged on the bed, careful not to let the blood drip from my wrist onto the sheets. I bothered her enough, she doesn't need to deal with that too.

I felt like nothing really mattered anymore, ever since that one day I walked into my room to see my beautiful sister, hanging from a noose by her bed, all dressed up and nowhere to go. She was so young, fuck, I was way too young. I mean, 10 years old and a dead sister, not the best little fact to have about your life.

Maybe she would have been around if I talked with her a bit more. Maybe it's my fault. With that thought I made my tenth cut, halfway through eleven when the front door opened.

She was terrified. How couldn't she? I'm disgusting. "Oh my god.. not again..." she cried. I couldn't stand to be there. I guess part two is going to have to be cut short. I ran past her and out the door, on my way to the building, on my way to death.

And so here we are now, nearly three feet from the edge of what is supposed to be my happy ending- suicide.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you try to leave this world without me?"

I pulled back slightly to look at her. Fuck, she was so beautiful. Was I really about to throw this all away because of my past? No, fuck that. That's selfish. She's done so much for me, she's fucking perfect. I can't believe I almost jumped off a god damn building. What would have happened to her?

I held her close while she sobbed. I caused this, I'm a monster. I need to fix this. I ran my fingers through her hair and hugged her tight, slowly calming her down."I'm so sorry.." I whispered. Eventually she pulled away to really look at me.

I pushed her hair off her beautiful face and wiped the few remaining tears off her cheeks.

"You just have to promise me you won't do this again, okay? You can't try this again, we can get through this together. Stay with me. Promise?" I could see the pain in her eyes, even in the dark, her eyes never shined quite as bright.

"I promise." I told her , and this time I meant it.