Many people believe in fairytales. I myself did at one point.
My mother would tell me stories of the prince getting the girl and them moving into a huge castle. The words 'happily ever after' coming at the end of every story.
And not only did I fall for it everytime but wanted it.
I wanted my life to be perfect. To grow old with the girl of my dreams and live the way they did. Have everything. Be everything.
The only problem was that fairytales don't exist. And life doesn't always go the way you would expect.
Like I never would have expected my father to walk out on his own family. Leaving his wife to be a single mother to her four year old son.
I also didn't expect my mother. The one who would risk everything for me. The one who would tell me stories late into the night just to see me smile. Getting no sleep just to please my highness.
The one who taught me to never give up on my dreams. No matter what stands between you and it.
Would kill herself in the middle of our living room. Leaving me alone.
When the police came I claimed that there never was a note. That she simply just wanted it. No reason. But it was me who knew the reason.
The reason for all of this. For her giving up on the one dream that she held dear. The dream to make me smile.
That's what she wrote. All she wrote. Was that she wanted to make me smile. To not hold me back from the dream i held. To be loved. Something she apparently felt she couldn't give me.
But what she didn't realize, was that by doing this. I would never feel love again.
--
I opened my eyes to see myself laying in patch of daisies. Gasping and jumping to my feet. Looking around at all of the beautiful flowers and then up at the bright moon.
It accompanied by the stars whose subtle light fought the darkness. Gifting everyone else the satisfaction of hope in the dark night.
My feet are bare and my clothes insignificant. The same old appearance.
As i push through the persistant flower patch I find myself in a deserted area. The land dead and sky gray. The sun suddeny shining weakly.
I question it for a moment before shaking it off and heading towrds an old tree. A dead one.
On an unstable limb hang a pair of white shoes. Those of which swinging slightly in the small wind bursts.
I trudge forward. Shuffling my feet through the dry grass and dirt. Finally making it to the tree.
I touch the trunk. Running my finder across the indignant grooves. The wood parched and rough.
I look up to see the white shoes. But am only returned with the sad wave of the stick.
I turn confused. A sudden wave of panic rushing over me. As if the shoes were necessary for survival.
Beginning to run I see a small pair of white sneakers lying on the ground. The laces tied together in a knot.
I grab them. Holding the peculiar objects in my hands. Turning them over and over marveling at the strange spotlessness of the shoes. Not realizing that the world before me was turning into one of complete difference.
Suddenly the feeling of sand engulfs the soles of my feet.
I looked in amazement to realize that the dry grass beneath me has somehow turned to warm sand. And that before me lay a large body of water. Meeting the blue sky seeming to have no end.
The world turning to one of wonder and curiosity.
I walk towards the water to notice the shoes unraveled. Their laces now dangling on each side of my hands.
"What about the shoes?" I jump hearing the strange voice. That somehow sounding like my own.
"What do you mean?" i yell out to no one in particular.
"You need to decide." I frown in annoyance yet feel confused at the same time. Feeling lost in this strange place.
"The shoes. They decide whether you move on in life or stay still."
"But they're just shoes."
"Yes but at the same time are a lot more. For if you decide to keep them. Put them onto your bare feet and walk comfortably, you will be stuck.
Doing the same thing you have always done since the day you were born. Suffer.
Let them go perhaps. And you will be freed.
Allowed to be the person you want and live like everyone else does. In happiness."
I shake my head. Wondering how such a small aspect can mean so much.
But wishing to live in the dream like world I have been imagining for so long, I throw them into the ocean. Setting them free of my life. Letting them float away in order for me to be free as well.
"Thank you." I mumble softly before falling backwards. Landing on my back and watching the bright world slowly dissolve before me. Myself simply falling into a hole of darkness and despair.
Was this what it felt like to be free? To fall into uncertainty until you simply can't fall any further. Opening your eyes to-
--
Sitting up with a gasp and in a sweat. The room swelteringly hot.
I sigh standing up. Looking around to realize that I was back to reality. Sadly learning that the whole experience had been a dream.
The room around me is completely dark. Only allowing small slits of moonlight to seep into the room. I was sweating through my shirt. Wanting so badly to remove it.
But only feeling my arms freeze upon touching the fabric. Unable to remove the uncomfortable garment.
My dully colored hair sticks to my forehead as I move around the room. Angrily hitting the walls. Searching for an exit as the temperature continuously rises.
"Let me out! I can't fucking live like this anymore!" I scream. Though knowing no one will ever hear me. I fall to the floor in tears.
Sobs filling the once silent air.
Filling the room.
Filling my head.
Just as they do every night.
At least this time I had been able to experience something other than darkness. For even when I sleep the thick ink I have now accepted to be my life engulfs my vision. The feeling of being stuck a constant one.
But at least this time it was different. And for a short moment I felt like I wasn't drowning. Like the only thing I would ever feel is emptiness.
A dream.
Almost like a fairytale.
But dreams eventually fade away. Whether you reach them or not.
Because nothing lasts forever.
Not even make believe.
///
A/n how did yall like the first chapter?
Q: What is your favorite song from You Never Walk Alone album?
A: Spring Day
