I can live through this, it will be only for a while. The sand in the hourglass runs through my hands anyway,I can slow it down, let it pass or I can halt the flow permanently if I wanted to.
Lately things are getting rough, lost a couple of my friends. They all unfollowed me on all of the social media, that are used by late teenage girl demographic. I felt so alone, like a lone coyote crying in the middle of the French coulée, because the pact left me.
I have a problem, it's something that I don't know how to deal with, I have a secret, not really mine, actually my father has. I've known this secret for a couple of months now, hidden in the deepest cavern of my mind. I'm not trying to protect him or my mother or their relationship. I was trying to protect myself , because if all hell break loose, that hell will be set upon me. Now my cavern of secrets are being trespassed by my emotions. I can start feeling my heart slowly burning in despair.
It was an innocent night. Me and the girls are walking our way to home, then suddenly the secrets that I have collided with me. My father and another woman, walking towards a collision course to me, what a classic tragic. I tried to act like I didn't see anything, but with pride my father approached me, with the woman shackled on his right hand. All the hair behind my my neck stood up, like they are ready to attack, but I have to keep my calm. I can't show them my caverns. He said he is just going to take his "girl" out for the night, he'll be back for the night with my mother by his side he told me. My friends berserked, asking me if I was aware of what is going on, and I told them no, but of course I know what is happening. They asked me to be mad about it, but I just can't get myself to be mad for reasons I don't know yet.
I still remember the night he told us that he is going for a drink with his friends, but I know he drunk a different kind of liquor that night. I did not say anything. I knew about the night when he made a mess out of nothing so he can have a fight with my mother, and have a reason to leave for the night, but I know he did it on purpose because he was meeting some other woman that night. Again, I did not say anything, I was a coward, trapped inside of my own cavern of secrets.
Now, my friends are still forcing me to follow the script that was written for situations like these, but I refuse to play the role that was given to me, because on that script I'm the hurt one, the victim. They've called me the terrible daughter instead, a traitor to my mother, like they know any better. They don't even know what is going on behind the curtains. I'm doing this to protect myself. I mean friends are like dandelions after all, they touch you by the skin just to say goodbye. I have to let them go, I have to let them flow. I will go through this. I will find a way out eventually, if not I guess I'll take the tsunami of bullshit that is coming for me. One thing I can say for sure though, I fucking hate my life right now.
//
The sound it makes, it's like the sound of falling coin chips down the slot machine after hitting the jackpot, in the middle of a depressing casino in Las Vegas. Tiny clingings, but so satisfying. But it takes more than a pull of a lever to hear these rings for me. A glossy rose gold silk dress coming down off me, revealing a black see through floral underwear webbing through my waist and barely covering my vagina. Pasties shaped into black stars. My audience loved the stars, they think they add some character to me. I love my audience too, they are the reason why I hear the lovely ringing sound that I love. Every time they press the tip button on their screens, they make the angels sing in my ears.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this for the money. I want my power back. I want control, I'm taking it back, at least that's the way it makes me feel. That's why I subject myself into this, and if you haven't picked up what is going on, and if you're one of those innocent one who hasn't stumbled upon something what I do online, let me explain further. I do live performances online exclusively for adults. I strip and moan for them when requested in exchange for some tips. They can basically make me do anything with just one click anonymously in the comfort of their houses or wherever basement they live in.
