Only Human

Freddie // Effy

        The light creaking of the apartment settling at such a late hour unnerved Effy because of how quiet it was for her to be able to hear it.

         The silence made her ears ring and gave her quite a headache and she tried to distract herself.

        She attempted to text her fiancé Freddie about when his flight would land, but it did not subside the persistent pounding in her temples.

        She paced around her bedroom mindlessly, tugging at the ends of her hair to stop the voices from coming back.

        No one could hear the sick and twisted voices but her, they were silent screams, and slowly eating away at every inch of happiness she had.

        She leisurely walked over to the full body mirror in the corner of her bedroom, prying her eyes open to look at her reflection.

        She wails for a long time, weeping pitifully as she cries herself a pool of self-sympathy, until she is empty, benumbed, turned inside out.

        "Look at you." The voices taunted, and she slowly scanned her body. She wanted to cry at the mere sight of herself, nothing was good.

        Confusion and anguish are written all over her face, but that's not what hurts the most. It's the defeat. The look on her face show she's lost the most important battle of her life.

"He doesn't love you, you know?" The voice inside her head hissed. "Yes he does!" She choked out, trying to fight the battle inside her head.

        "Why would he love someone like you? Look at those disgusting scars on your wrists and your hips. How could anyone love someone so broken?" The voice echoed, and tears welled up in her eyes, silently falling down her cheeks.

        "As if that's not enough." The voice continued, and she shook her head, trying to make it stop, but it wouldn't. She couldn't peel her eyes from her own despairing reflection.

        "You're worthless, fat, disgusting, ugly- so, so ugly." The voice snarled, and her body shook from crying, audible sobs leaving her lips, but it only got louder.

        "No one wants you, no one would miss you. You should be dead!" The voice roared, and she snapped, grabbing her bedside alarm and flinging it roughly against the mirror in front of her, it shatters to a million pieces.

        The reiteration of those words is like swallowing razor blades.

        She fell to her knees, crying as she stares at the broken glass surrounding her. She twirled the piece of glass in her hand, looking at what were seemingly old scars on her wrists.

         She hadn't done it in months, but the urge never left, the comforting, familiar pain always offered a getaway.

        "Do it." The voice said quietly. Her cuts were fading and she has never felt more lost without them.

         Her mind's spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways she might destroy herself or, more precisely, this monster inside her.

        The terrible tightening in her chest, the constriction of her lungs, the deep, shuddering breaths in as she tries to hold back the inevitable- then she breaks.

        "I promise when you do, the pain will go away. I will go away." The voice whispered, and she easily gave in, dragging the cold and sharp glass across her skin, drawing a thin stream of blood that rushed down her wrists.

        "Not enough." She mumbled, cutting another vertical line below it. She sees a series of lines, and thinks about the lovely scars that she could make, where she'll make them.

        "Still not enough, it's never enough!" She yelled as she cried, dragging the blade multiple times over her skin, her arm's a bloody mess.

        "Effy..." She heard someone choke out, their voice full of grief and pain. She looked up to see her fiancé Freddie, his suitcase beside him on the floor.

        She could only imagine what was going through his mind; his fiancé was sitting in a pile of glass on the floor, her wrists covered in blood, something she promised months ago she'd never do again.

        "F-F-Freddie." She stuttered, but couldn't manage to form any sentences.

        "Baby, come over here." He whispered sorrowfully as tears flowed down his face. His eyes met hers with a new level of pain.

        Red rimmed and puffy, the blue underneath is ten times brighter than ever before. Whatever amount of hurt she's feeling, his must be worse.

        She weakly managed to stand up and he pulled her tightly into his arms, carrying her to the bathroom, gently removing her clothing and setting her down in the tub running her a bath. He said nothing as he washed out her cuts and the glass in her hair.

        The only noise was his heavy breathing as he tried to stop himself from breaking down. "I want you to promise me this will never happen again, please. Eff, you're only human." Freddie pleaded, grabbing her small hands in his.

        "I'll try Freddie." She whispered, not able to meet his glance. He knew she was the type of girl who could put a gun to her head and pull the trigger, but leave a note apologizing for the mess.

        He lifted her out the tub, giving her a towel to cover up before placing her on his lap, bandaging the cuts.

        "Look at me baby." he muttered, gently grabbing her chin so her gaze met his.

        He looked at her eyes. They weren't green anymore. They weren't the green ones he woke up to every morning. The green that resembled the freshly watered leaves in spring, as he would put it. They were dull grey now. Lifeless. He tears her eyes away from hers; he couldn't look at her anymore. The sight of her brought daggers to his heart.

        "You don't need to tell me why you did it tonight, okay?" He said, and she nodded as he cupped her face in his hands. Their voices remain soothing against the sound of the water pouring from the faucet.

        "But I want you to know I love you so fucking much, I love you more than anything in the entire universe, and when you're hurt - " he sighs, "when you're hurt my world falls apart too. The fact, you, my perfect, beautiful girl could want to do something to hurt herself..." He shakes his head, his voice cracking near the end.

        "I just need you to know baby, that you're needed, and loved. And if something were to happen to you, so many people would be sad. Those voices inside your head, the ones you used to tell me about, they're lying, okay? You're the most beautiful girl in the world, and it doesn't matter how broken you are, because I will fix you." Freddie whispers, gently pressing his lips to hers.

        "I can't lose you okay? Fuck it; I'm not going to. It was horrific enough that one time where I didn't find you during the parade when we went out of town. Effy, you're the love of my life." He cracks a smile, and continues "Remember that time when we decided to have that water balloon fight at three o clock in the morning outside? We've got more memories to make."

        "I'll take care of you now. Alright? I promise." He strokes her hair and plants a kiss on her forehead. Unable to tear away from his grip, his trembling words cause her knees to buckle and her heart to explode. "Okay." She croaks out, and simply wraps her arms around his neck, crying softly into his neck, but not because she was sad, but because she knew, that maybe, it would get better again.