Craving for you (Showki)

1. Miserable

Kihyun woke up abruptly in the middle of the night as his chest started panting up and down heavily. Another dream, another nightmare, the demons in his mind are coming again. This has been the 10th time he woke up this month. He couldn't help it.
He felt so hopeless, so helpless, so empty and so broken...

Why do I live?
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why does it hurt so much inside?
Why do I love you so much?
If only I could just go and kill myself, jump down from the building or even hang myself....

Yet again, Kihyun couldn't bear it anymore. He immediately reached out and opened the drawer beside his bed, pulling out a sharp metallic razor and putting it against his wrist. He slides it across his thin, pale wrists and slits of red appeared. He felt the cold sharp blade shredding apart his skin. He slits multiple lines and the blood trickled, dripping down to his bed as warm tears soon flowed down his cheeks; the stinging pain on his wrists intensified each time he cut deeper.

However, he felt no pain inside-only relief and peace. The blood on his wrists looked so beautiful. He went on to his thighs, cutting a few more times before hiding his razor back into the drawer, away from anyone's sight, belonging to only his cold little world. With the numbing pain burning on his fresh cuts, the demons resided and he soon fell back to sleep...

"Kihyun-ah! Wake up!!!" Mrs Yoo called from the kitchen.

The sunlight shined into his room and upon hearing his mom's voice, Kihyun instantly woke up. He climbed out of his bed and went to his closet to grab a long jeans and a sweater. He put it on to cover his wrists and thighs, and looked into the mirror. He saw his dark sunken eyes, his thin fragile figure, his small petite size and his pale gaunt face. Kihyun hated it so much. As he dragged up his sleeves and jeans, the cuts from yesterday were still visible, the red standing out against his pale white skin.

He hated how much he look. He hated how ugly he looked but he never knew, how beautiful he actually was. No one told him, he was suffering inside but no one came to hug him and tell them that they'll be there for him. His parents were nice and he was grateful for that, but they didn't know about all his pain inside. He didn't have any friends. He was always bullied for his sexual orientation and his petite figure, with people calling him names like "faggot" and "sissy". He loved Shownu, the popular kid in class, but he was someone way out of his league. Shownu is so beautiful, with his goddamn muscular figure and that perfectly symmetrical face; but he is always hanging out with other popular kids. Why would someone like him ever looked at a nobody like Kihyun?

Before Kihyun could continue listing all his bad traits, his thoughts were interrupted . "Kihyun!!! Hurry up and come down!!!", his mom screeching voice echoed. Kihyun looked at the mirror one last time, faked on a smile before heading downstairs.

"Good Morning Mum, Good Morning dad!"he greeted them with such a wide smile.

He look so lively and bubbly that no one could ever tell he was ever depressed. Not even his parents. Kihyun sat down and quickly finished his breakfast before heading out to school.

As he dreaded his way to school- a place of hell (other than the fact that Shownu was there), he put on his headphones and listened to some of his favourite songs. Music was one of the things that made Kihyun felt a bit better as he could immersed himself in the songs, forgetting about his fears for that time being rather than the devils inside his quiet mind. As he reached the school 's lockers, he caught sight of Shownu from a distance away. His heart instantly stopped and he could not stop looking at him. Shownu looked so good despite it being a Monday morning and he felt so blissful looking at such a god like figure. A small genuine smile crept onto his face but it didn't last long. Soon he felt a painful whack on the back of his head. He turned around and stood frozen, seeing the usual trio of bullies in front of him.

"Look who we have here? Isn't it the faggot?",the leader of the trio, Mark, sneered in a mocking tone.

Kihyun cowered, making his small self looked even tinier. Kihyun trembled in fear as he felt his tears welling up. Before Kihyun could say anything, Mark threw a punch at him and the group of bullies start beating him up. They kicked his stomach, punched his face and stepped on him heartlessly.

They laughed and mocked," Go and die, you disgusting faggot."

Kihyun could only winced in pain as he felt his cuts opening again, with all the bruises left on him. When the bullies are finally done, Kihyun could only lay on the ground motionlessly, with other students walking past him, some totally ignoring him and others snickering at him.

"OMG! Look at him!!!"

"Eeww...."

"It's the faggot"

"Lol, sissy"

These voices resounded in Kihyun's mind deeply. They cut deeper than the wrists on his fragile body, they hurt more than the punches and they kill him from the inside.

Kihyun tried to bear it in as he struggled to gather all his strength and pulled himself up and limped to the nearest washroom. He looked at his face. His lips was bleeding profusely and his face was bruised with a miserable blue black across his swollen eye. He clutched his stomach which was burning in pain due to the bruises  and  stomps . As he tried to washed the blood away and  freshen himself, he suddenly just couldn't bear it anymore. It fucking hurts. He broke down and he cried and cried and felt so fucking miserable. It was just the beginning of a new semester and he was already breaking down. He felt like dying. With that, he took his blade out again and write new, red cuts on his wrists.

That was the only way for him to escape.

To escape from reality.