The Widow's Journey

Chapter 4

Jay had started picking me up for work in the mornings from my house; She figured car pooling would save us a lot of money in gas, and we worked together anyways so why not? I was getting ready for work, in fact I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressed when there was a knock on my front door. Jay was a little early today.. 

"I'm coming! Be right there!" I called, rushing to the bathroom counter to brush my teeth and comb my hair up in it's normal messy looking way. The knocking only got louder, and I sighed. So maybe she was eager to get in today? I went to my room to collect my bag, phone, and slip my shoes on, and I went ahead and grabbed a jumper as well before I made my way out to the front room to the door, my bag slung over my shoulder and jumper in my hand. I put a smile on my face as I opened the door, expecting to see Jay, but my smile faltered, my heart dropping, when the door was pulled open to reveal two men in army suits, badges on, and one of them was holding a flag. I knew what this was, I had seen it in a million movies, but I could only hope that my thoughts were wrong. 

"Harry? We're sorry for the loss of your husband. He died an honorable death." After those words came from the man on the lefts mouth tears started to spill, and my knees felt so weak I thought I might pass out. I shook my head and dropped my bag and jumper on the floor, looking at the two men. They just delivered possibly the worst information to me, and I had no idea how to take it.

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After the men left my house I called Jay and told her the situation, I explained that I wouldn't be able to come in today, and then I called my mum. 

"And.. You can't come over? Mum please, I-I need someone!" I cried into the phone. My heart felt completely broken, and I felt worse that I had to look around this house and see all the evidence that Chris was here, because I knew he was never coming back. I heard a soft, sympathetic sigh from my mum's side of the phone and I closed my eyes to hopefully help stop  the tears. 

"I'm not home at the moment, I went into town to pick up a few things for the house, but as soon as I'm finished I'll be right over. Just hang in there sweetie. It'll be okay." Mum said softly. I knew mum was upset, she really liked Chris, and I was relieved to hear that she would be here soon. Once we hung up I just sat back on the couch and looked around the place, shaking my head. I couldn't believe that he was gone this easily. In the next few days funeral arrangements would be made, but I didn't want there to be a funeral, I wanted someone to come knock on my door and say 'just kidding! Chris is actually alive! Gotcha!', but I knew it wouldn't happen. I sighed as I looked down at my left ring finger, another tear slipping out. I know I wasn't technically married now, but that didn't mean I would take the ring off just yet..

A couple of hours later, I was in my bedroom, and my mum had let herself in and came back to my room. I knew it was her because of the sound of her heels clicking against the floor, but I didn't sit up in my bed or open my eyes. I felt the bed dip down right beside me and soon enough there was a hand on my arm, rubbing it gently. 

"Harry, sweetie, are you awake?" Mum asked softly. I took a deep breath and nodded, and soon I felt her arms wrap around me and as soon as I did I turned and started to cry in her arms. "Oh, honey, it's okay.. I know it hurts.. Just let it out.." Mum cooed softly, and I sobbed. 

"I-I don't know what to think! I miss him, and I had the worst feeling that this was going to happen.. He didn't deserve to die, he was s-so good to everyone." I cried softly, tears slipping out fast. Mum sighed softly and I felt her arms tighten around me. 

"Harry, maybe you need a friend.. Someone who will be there for you and relate to you.. Everyone loses someone once or twice in their lifetime, and I know it's horrible.. But you need to surround yourself with positive energy instead of sitting in this house feeling dull and sad." She said softly, and then she seemed to hesitate before she spoke again. "Maybe you should move away from here.. Into an apartment. All of these memories and pictures, and all of Christopher's things are just making this more difficult on you." She said quietly. I almost couldn't believe what she was saying. She thought I should leave my home this soon?  I shook my head and sat up on my bed, wiping my eyes. 

"How can you seriously expect me to just up and leave? And get rid of his things? Mum he died recently, I just found out, I-I need time to grieve." I sniffled softly. Mum sighed and shook  her head. 

"Sweetie, keeping his things and sticking around where you'll be depressed isn't the way to let yourself grieve.. You need a fresh start, I can help you find an apartment after the funeral service, and help you get rid of his things. We can donate his clothes, all of his things can be donated or recycled, tossed out, anything. I just really don't want you to have to go through this so roughly." She said, reaching out to squeeze my arm gently. I understood what she was saying, and what she meant, but it was so hard to just "start fresh". 

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"We're all gathered here today to remember the life of a young man called Christopher Joseph White. He was a beloved son, brother, and husband.." The preacher spoke. I was currently at the funeral service, and the casket had just been lowered into the ground, yet the dirt hadn't been piled on yet. As I looked around I saw-for the first time- Christopher's family, who I had never even met but once. There was his father, who was prejudice against homosexuals and hadn't speaken to Chris in over two years, his mum who I always understood to be a nice woman, she went by the name of Angela.. Then there was his younger sister, Brooklyn. I couldn't help but stare at them, almost shocked that they were here, because Chris never spoke to any of them anymore.. And he wouldn't ever again, which was pretty sad considering they're his family. A tear slipped down my cheek and I lowered my head to look at the six foot hole in the ground, a British flag covering the top of the casket which rested down below in the dirty hole, which would soon be covered forever. My own mum was with me, as well as Gemma, and then there were a variety of people there that I didn't even know, including the army men that served with Chris. As I looked up at the sky it appeared that it was going to rain later, which seemed pretty normal for days like this.

That was pretty much it for the day. It had been a little over a week since I found out the news, and I still hadn't gone back to work yet. Jay had called me once or twice to check up on me, and I kept telling her I just needed a few more days to settle down.. A few more days were turning into a week, and a week was turning into nearly two, and bills were rapidly approaching. I hadn't cried anymore, and to be honest that shocked me. I wasn't finished grieving, yet I hadn't started either. I figured that my mum was right anyways, I should start fresh. A new apartment, new life. So I intended to do just that.