GUILT

His body is hidden completely under the white cloth. I sit there and I think. Think what caused him,urged him to leave this world so early.... and so ...willingly.It has been over an hour but my brain is unable to function ;unable to understand why he of all people commited suicide. He had everything.Money,success, fame.Of course he had those.He was 'THE lawyer' ;The lawyer who never failed to win the cases. It was astonishing-not for me-but for everyone else that a lawyer so young who came to practice just five years ago was now one of the most senior lawyers of the city.He was jolly, confident and had an aura of friendliness and easiness around him.He was happy once he won the shahzeb's murder case. He got promotion due to it .... .I don't know why but I never saw the gleam of happiness in his eyes again. It looked as if he was trying to look happy but underneath,Osama was....frightened.No one else seemed to notice it,so I ignored it too. But now when i look a year back he was expressive and carefree as compared to last month when he grew distant. He was hiding something and I knew something was wrong. He would just say that he is confused...he wants his life to be over.

Of course to no one else but me ,I was his twin,his sister,his friend,his companion in loneliness.I would argue and tell him to shut up and never ever to think this way. But he would just sit there by the window of his study,viewing or rather thinking something unknown to anybody but himself. I confronted him two days from now and i remember he said.

"Aiman! what do you do when you are upset..........feeling guilty? when you feel as if your insides are ...cold?

"I cry..."

"well..I can't cry.crying is not an option for us men ..."

"Osama! what is wrong with you! come on tell me ..I'm here"

"you won't always be.... you won't be there..." He says slowly as if in a trance.

"Where?"

"Where the dire punishment awaits me...she said she was weak ,..her son was dead.. killed by that boy,Shahrukh Jatoi,theycouldn'tdefend themselves but Allah knew they were victims of my falsehood, my false proofs to win the case.....and that ..that she won't take revenge but Allah himself would ."He shudders.

"Who said that?"

"She... hismother ,Shahzaib Khan's mother...she was crying,screaming that i was responsible for his death too..And you know ? she was telling the truth."

"How come you are responsible?!"

"I did not defend him ,the right...I helped the wrong, the murderers. I am equally responsible .Don't you get it ?".He said  weakly bringing his hands to his face.

"Come on brother! you are taking an old woman's words to heart!"

"Because she is right. I.....I am never able to enjoy my victory...because everytime i win I see--I see her tear strained face and those accusing bloodshot eyes and hear her threat.everytime...everywhere.The words haunt me in my dreams.., ..when Iam awake. The mother is everywhere and she enjoys it .....she enjoys the battle that goes on within me!"

And then he left. Just like that.Never to return.I didn't know where he was... I waited for him a day.....two days but he didn't reply to the text messages or recieved my calls .

However there was something that I recieved.The cold , rigid body of my brother. The reporters.....they are curious for more details but i didn't tell them that my brother wanted to put an end to the haunting dreams , to find relief...that his insides were slowly eaten away by guilt.and he saw sucide as  his way to fight the guilt, forgetting that it is HARAM, ....He has again chosen a wrong path. Instead, I told the press that I wanted privacy.

Not they nor anybody could understand why such a talented successful young- 29 yr old- lawyer committed suicide. Except me.