A stroke of despair was cast upon her former carefree visage as she became aware of what she had done; what she had lost.
Her fault: excessively caring. Giving her heart away too freely, too frequently.
The fault may seem innocent, noble in a sense. But it is a most cunning disease.
It’s symptoms: Placing great significance on the greatly insignificant. Overlooking that which ought to be cherished in the journey.
Effect: complete and utter disaster. Time slipping through her fingers, moment by moment. Losing what’s important, valuing those that give her no value. Her mind shatters in to fragments of what it once was, each new piece driving her in to a black abyss of delusion and regret. Insanity is imminent.
The most devastating aspect of it all – the bulk of it has been purely self-inflicted.
Never satisfied, always wanting more. Constantly surrounded by people who love her, yet constantly feeling something was amiss.
~~~
Lara's brother loved her more than anything in the world. She was his world, his angel. Simon's friends' were always fighting with their brothers and sisters, always complaining about them, but Simon would never lay a finger on Lara, would never speak ill of her. He is much too aware of how much he owed her after the event. The image, the piercing shreik, the pungent smell of urine mixed with petrol were crystal clear in Simon's memory.
It was near an alley way on the dark side of town. Their father had to do some business there.
"Simon, I need you to look after Lara and Riley for just 5 minutes. Don't move, don't talk to anyone, and don't let go of the twins" Mr. Watts was feeling wary about leaving them there, but it was only for a few minutes. He'd be back soon.
Moments after Mr. Watts had left, A gun had been shot at Riley from a car of hooligans speeding by. The bullet hit Riley's chest, leaving a severly bleeding wound. Riley let out a scream before collapsing. Lara started to cry.
The next few moments were a blur. Simon carried Riley in to the nearest store, begged for the store clerk to call an ambulance. He had also ripped the sleeve of his shirt to try and stop Riley's bleeding. Mr. Watts had come back by then, and after comprehending the turn of events, he fell in to a heap on the footpath crying "It's all my fault, all my fault".
The ambulance arrived shortly after. The paramedics quickly tended to Riley, and then Lara, Simon and their father joined her in the ambulance. Riley had lost a lot of blood. Mr. Watts had to donate, but it wasn't enough. The doctors did all they could, but to no avail.
Simon had always blamed himself for what happened- even when he later discovered the "hooligans" were brokers his father had owed money to. He had never completely forgiven his father, or himself.
Two good things came out of that devastating situation. Mr. Watts finally combatted his gambling problem, and Simon's love for Lara grew immensely. He cared for her so much, he would willingly give up his life and so much more for her without hesitation.
He craved for Lara's forgiveness. Lara had told Simon she forgave him many times, but it never felt real or deserved to Simon. He had seen how Lara was with all her friends. How much she loved them, how much she would do to please them, how she would drop everything for them. She had never shown such love for Simon. Lara would come to Simon when she needed something, warm up to him, make him treats. Simon naively believed that his life was normal for a few blissful moments. But the minute those moments pass, she treats him like a stranger, makes promises that she doesn't intend to see through, breaks his heart time and time again.
Simon believed she was punishing him. Punishing him for letting Riley get shot, for not taking the bullet himself, for not protecting her like he was supposed to. Simon's guilt grew with each passing day. How could he forgive himself for causing Lara such pain, for compromising Lara's best friend, someone she had such a strong bond with.
~~~
Lara had always wanted to be wanted. She needed to create the bond she had with Riley again. Although losing Riley had caused her immense pain, she never felt the need to blame anyone for it, certainly not Simon. She just always felt so odd without Riley; incomplete and insecure. When she looked in the mirror, black spots covered every inch of her skin, each one a stark reminder of the beauty Riley had taken away from Lara's world with her. Whenever someone wanted to befriend her and really become close to her, her mind became consumed with doubts- "How can this person like me? Don't they realise how pathetic I am without Riley? Don't they see the black spots all over me?". She almost always came to the conclusion that it was Riley coming back to her, there could be no other explanation. It was Riley giving her a second chance. She too readily welcomed this blessing with open arms time and time again, only to destroy its fruits. The moment she became too content with the progression of the friendship, the moment it seemed like it was more than she deserved, she panicked. She seeked to impress her friends more and more, because to her, they were Riley. She became too afraid of losing them, she went above and beyond for them. The result: them taking her for granted, her losing value in their eyes; them pushing her away. Lara losing Riley once more. She invariably retracted, sunk deeper and deeper in to her sorrows, unable to let go, unable to forget. The cycle repeats.
She failed to realise the love and acceptance she so desperately seeked was in her home, in the form of her brother. She figured he loved her because he had to. He was her family, he was her blood. They were binded together in life, what other choice did he have? Without realising it, she took his love for granted. Without realising it, she misused his love. WIthout realising it, she drove them both to this.
~~~
Simon eventually came to the conclusion that Lara would never forgive him. He figured he didn't deserve her forgiveness. The guilt growing inside ate away at him to the point where he lost the ability to be happy. He knew someone, who'd been through a lot of pain, and was able to momentarily escape it through false means. He knew it was wrong, he knew it was destructive, but he also knew he needed to stop the misery that overtook him. He seeked the pill out for relief, and hasn't been able to turn back since.
True, he was no longer thinking of Riley or Lara. Also true: he was constantly thinking of the drug.
~~~
Lara had a few friends over at her house. It was the first time in a long time she had felt somewhat at ease around them. She eventually let herself enjoy the night, and forget about Riley. Her friends wanted to listen to the latest "Howler" CD, and Lara knew Simon had a copy. She went to his room, knocked on his door, no answer. She slowly opened the door, and screamed at the sight of Simon collapsed on the floor with white foam coming out of his mouth.
She instantly saw the packet of white tablets he was clutching, and knew that she was the one who drove him to this.
A stroke of despair was cast upon her former carefree visage as she became aware of what she had done; what she had lost.
