The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Progress report on Happy.

I'm stuck in my head and I believe I will never truly be free. Every black car that passes makes my stomach jump in my throat, the taste of bile burns like acid as I start shaking. It's hard to breathe even when I know it's not you. You took something from me that day. You got me high to take advantage of me. You knew I didn't want to but I couldn't say no and that's what you counted on. The texts back and forth that I wasn't ready. You saying you promise you wouldn't do anything. You saying you really don't want to huh? Because my body didn't give up without a fight but still you pushed your way in and took what you wanted. What was not yours to take. Will I ever be free? Free of the panic? Free of the shaking and crying when your name is brought up? Free of being haunted by the ghost of you? It's been two months. I still feel you on me. I want to set my skin on fire, to become numb to the feeling of you, like ants under my skin. I want to slice my wrists open and let the blood rush out taking the memories of you with it. You may not even think about it. You may not even think about me. I think about you. I think of the confusion, the fear, the disgust of what you did. I look over my shoulder constantly worrying about the day we bump into eachother or the day you decide you want more. I still smell the wet dirt beneath me, feeling sticks poke me, the air cold as it skimmed across my half naked body. I think of what happened and I want to puke. People worry because I don't eat, but how can I when everytime I eat I'm reminded of you? The roads you took me on, the foods I eat, the places I go, they have your mark. I have a new man. I told him everything. He still loves me. He still accepts me. He is helping me to put back the pieces you broke. He is the only thing that holds me together. Without his strength I would break apart and never return to myself. You said you liked me, that you cared, but all you cared about was getting a piece of ass, winning me like a conquest because I kept saying no. You got what you wanted, didn't you? You didn't care that it broke me. You didn't care that you didn't even use protection. You didn't care that you could have got me pregnant. You didn't care. You never did. And I was an idiot to think you could ever even care enough to be a "friend" as you called yourself. I may have been to drugged to know what to do in that situation so I didn't turn you in, but I know that karma will not let you get away. There is a special place in hell for people like you and I am sure you will feel right at home.