creds; peachsquid
My neighbor brought over some baby shoes the other day. They were pink and had glitter on the toes and sequined flowers on the sides. We cooed over them for a few minutes and I told her how much I appreciated the gift. After she left, I threw them in my bedroom closet with all the other baby junk I've been given over the past six months.
Six months ago, everyone in town started to ask about "my baby." I do not have a baby, I have never given birth or even been pregnant. I thought that I was being mistaken for someone else; I'm not particularly unique looking. Maybe some other short, dark haired and hazel-eyed girl gave birth recently. But I am shy by nature and southern by birth so I was too polite to say "you're wrong, you have the wrong person, I don't have a baby." I said things like "um, oh, ok?" Mostly because it must have been a case of mistaken identity.
People brought over baby clothes, a crib, a swing that plugs into the wall and jiggles, toys and shoes and diapers. A very weird situation to be in, for sure. But then, to put it plainly, things got weirder. I was in the grocery store, and the manager, a friendly older man, came up to me and asked about "my sweet little girl." He asked if she liked the different formula he had suggested and if I wanted more. I just smiled. When I got home, I found formula in my grocery bags and an almost empty can in my cabinet. I don't even remember putting it in my cart.
..
The thing is, everyone has been so nice to me, and the situation is just so odd that I started to go along with it. "How's the little darling today?" A neighbor would ask when I went to get the mail. "Oh, she's wonderful! Sleeping through the night," I'd answer.
Then a young woman that got coffee at the same place as me asked about a play date with her 9 month old and my then "5 month old." I sort of blew it off. Next time I saw her though, she talked about setting up another play date and how much fun our two "darlings" had. She showed me a picture on her phone. "Aren't they just precious in this picture? Your little girl has the most beautiful blue eyes! Her dress really makes them pop. I'll text this to you." I looked at the picture and saw a chubby baby in a red shirt and blue shorts. It had dark hair and dark eyes. It was the only baby in the picture.
I went home and opened my bedroom closet full of baby junk. I pulled out teddy bears and an unopened box with a changing table in it. I pulled out a shopping bag with new baby clothes. I dumped it out on my bed and looked through them. I found a light blue dress.
..
A few weeks ago, I decided to call my mom.
"Hello?" She answered.
"Mom? It's me," I said.
"Oh, Pearl, hi."
"How are you?" I asked. We don't talk often.
"I'm good, we're all good out here." She paused then asked "and how are you two doing?"
"Us...two?" I asked hesitantly.
"Now don't act like that, I know I haven't been in touch much but I do care about you and my grandbaby," she said sourly.
"I know mom. Oh, she's crying, I gotta go," I lied.
"Give Holly my love," she said and then hung up before I did.
The funny thing is, Breakfast at Tiffany's has been my favorite book since I was kid. I'd always thought Holly would be a great name for a kid I would eventually have.
I went into my room to put my phone down after my short conversation with my mom. The changing table and the crib were neatly set up by the window. I didn't do that. I'm sure I didn't. I walked over to the crib and looked inside. Nothing was there. I walked over to the changing table, then took a step back before I bumped my shin against one of the legs. Because I remembered that I had done that before. I looked down and saw a bruise on my shin. I know I hit it against the changing table, but I also know that they weren't in here before. I know it.
..
"How's Holly today?" My neighbor across the street asked. We were both out grabbing our mail.
"She's good, happy as ever," I said.
"I heard her screaming up a storm when you came home last night, I'd be surprised if you were able to get her to bed at all!"
"Once she lays down it usually doesn't take too long," I replied.
I went inside and looked through my mail. A bunch of junk, a few red envelopes. I put everything down on the kitchen counter and opened a cabinet to get out a cup. I heard some noises coming from my room. I paused and listened. I didn't hear anything for a minute so I grabbed the cup and got some water from the sink. I heard something over the sound of the tap. Holly must be awake.
I went into my room and looked down in the crib. Holly's stuffed elephant was in the crib. I reached down and picked it up. It was cute, no wonder someone got it for Holly. I put the elephant back down in the crib and brought the cup to my mouth to take a sip. I realized I was holding a baby bottle. Mom brain, I thought. Where did I put my cup down? But then I saw I was holding my cup. And I'm not a mom, what the fuck was I just thinking? I looked back over at the crib.
Why do I still have this crap in my room? I kicked the crib. Then I kicked it again, then again until the wood began to splinter. I pushed the changing table over on its side. I opened my closet and shoved in the pieces of the crib and any other baby related item I could find. I slammed the door closed. I can't keep this charade up, I decided. I can't go along with this nonsense anymore.
..
I went to get coffee this morning. I was so tired. I felt like I hadn't slept all night. The barista smiled at me. "Your kid keep you up?" She asked.
"No." I said firmly. Her smile wavered.
I sat down at a table to drink my coffee. Some woman walked up to me. She asked how I was doing, how my daughter was doing.
"I'm fine," I answered, and left it at that.
She sat down at the table and in a hushed and concerned voice, she asked me if I was experiencing any depression. She said that new mothers often feel like this.
"I'm not a new mother," I said.
A man came in and walked quickly up to the table. He bent down and whispered something in my ear. It didn't register at first.
"What?" I asked.
"You left your kid in her car seat in your car," he said again.
I jumped up and ran outside. I unlocked my car and opened the back seat. How could I be so stupid? How fucked up am I to leave my kid in the car? But nothing was there. No kid, no car seat. I drove home.
..
I sat on my bed and looked through the pictures on my phone. I looked at the picture of the chubby kid in the red shirt. I stared at it. Where is she? Where is Holly? There's only one kid in this picture but everyone else says that there are two. Chubs and my little Holly, bright blue eyes, blue dress. She does look so pretty in that blue dress. I do have a bit more to write, but Holly just started to cry. I need to go check on her.
a/n i started a book on self-care tips, you should check it out:)
