Dangerous love-translated

1.Deep into the dark

     -Case closed!said the judge hitting powerfully with the tiny hammer on the wooden heel. I shuddered behind the sharpened sound and I grasped my lips in a line, trying to stop the stings I felt in my eyes, threatening to spark a waterfall of tears. That was the sound that ruined my family forever.
      I got up from my chair, wanting to get out of the room as quickly as possible and get out of here. I already felt choked. Everyone looked at me with a false pity as they waited for me to start crying. It was logical to cry, my parents just got divorced...But I was not going to look weak in their eyes, it was useless. I made my way to the exit, passing through the bodies of my family members and keeping my eyes on the ground when I heard my name spoken by a voice I hated so much.I stopped, but refusing to go back, I put my palms in my fists when I felt a slight touch on my shoulder. The skin on my forehead gathered in a frown as I turned to the woman that had once been my mother.
  -Sweetie...
  -Stop calling me like that! I interrupted her .You have no right to call me like that anymore!
-Kath ... The tears came into her eyes, she did not know how to go on, and she just made me angry.
     I wanted to leave, but she grabbed my arm. I pulled myself away of her touch, turning to her nervously.
   -What do you want? I yelled in her face. My voice was just as tough and almost crazy and I could imagine my look. All the faces that remained in the room returned amazed and curious to me.
     -Katherine, I'm sorry. Her eyes were full of tears and she was biting her lips, trying to find the right words. Just that ...
     -Just that moneys are more important, right? I filled her nervously. If she didn't t know what to say, I had enough to say.
   I watched the one I thought so far is my model in my life. A beautiful, perfect woman, and so perfid. She always liked the luxury, she was a real lady,but she did not have the necessary conditions to keep her claims.
   My father's fire service was not enough to bring enough money into the family, and a normal life for my mother was no longer life.
     She spent 18 years until she found someone to support her as she deserved. My eyes flickered to the brown and dumpy man standing,still sitting beside his chair. A trace of pain lay on his face when he met my expression full of hatred. He felt sorry for taking my mother, how pathetic he was.
   -Do you have anything else to say, or you're just gonna look at me with those prissy eyes? I spoke to him seriously, turning my face to her. Her brown eyes were full of tears, that make me so angry that they look like mine.
     Her lips opened, but no word came out of them.
     -Goodbye, Mom! I threw her last snicker look and turn around,heading to the exit.

    My dad was already in the car. While I was descended the stairs of the huge building of justice, the nerves that crossed my body made me loose my balance a few times because of the heels I was wearing.                 
      I gnashed my theets and passed the stairs, trying to get to the car as fast as possible to get out of here.
      Grandma, the mother of the woman who gave birth to me,because today is no longer my mother - called me. But I did not go back to her, I got to the car and got up quickly inside, pulling the door behind me.   
      My father who stood sill in the seat, having empty look to the window, I was feeling sorry for him. I put a hand on his shoulder forcing him to look at me.
   -Don't worry,dad?we're gonna be great just the two of us! I smiled at him trying to make him feel better.
     But I knew that isn't true, since I found out on that my mother would leave us, I fell into a complete darkness. I have never been a very good child, that was I always present at home at the time set by my parents, but I was a normal teenager with gusts of my age, but not too bad to create problems for my parents. Now everything had gone to another level of rebellion, the drugs and the drink took place in my life, and as long as they helped me to forget my destroyed life, I accepted them with pleasure. I became tough and aggressive. Uncontrollable and wild, but behind all these explosive changes, there was a destroyed soul.
    He gave me a small smile, then directed his attention somewhere behind me, the seriousness and the pain coming back on his face. I turned my head, and I saw her coming out of the building. The man for whom she left my father was holding her waist while she walked easily with a tearful face. He raised his head to look her in the eye, as a man he had nothing impressive. He was short and indolent, with a prominent stomach that made his buttonhole  slit. He had an olive face and a black hair like a pitch. But my mother was only interested in his bank account,money were making her happy. It was so obvious, even if she claimed that she separated from my Dad because he paid no longer attention to her, no one believed her. My father could be called a man in the real sense of the word compared with the one who was keeping her standing up.
    Tall, maybe too tall, but that will never be a disadvantage for a man as long as the rest of his body is well-worked. I looked at my father's face. His dark-blue eyes fit well with his white skin. The black and straight hair, arranged in a slightly path in the middle and a few stands of hair rebels on his forehead, his sharp chin and his lips so perfect. It was gorgeous, I would have liked so much to look like him now, I have everything from my mother. I turned my head back to that man, maybe that was due to the hatred that I had for him, but he looked like a giant ball. How exquisite can you be to choose such a man for money and leave the one who at 38, still managed to suck the teens' minds? Let's not count another child in the middle. But now I realize I've always been a thorn on my mother's back, she loved me, but she regretted she had me. If it was not for me, he would have  leaved my father long time ago.
   She turned her attention to our car, watched me tearing through the steamed glass because of my nervous breath. She had hoped until the last moment that I would come with her. That I will leave my father and I will choose the same as her, the money of that spree I could not look at. That's what I was different of her, and it made me so happy, I was not interested in money.
    I knew she loved me, but I couldn't see her again. Her perfect beautiful face annoys me, the body of a goddess, whose image was broken by the man beside her, a bit shorter with a head. All my life I saw in her a pattern, I wanted to be like her, to look like her. But even if I had her traits, my physique was different. I was tall but extremely corpulent. My physique had curves that a good looking girl does not allow to have. I was angry when I saw again my mother's perfection, at 37, she looked like a model and everybody believed we were sisters at first glance, and she was the beautiful sister. I was fat, at least that's what I saw, with a very white, grey tone skin with almost black eyes,giving me a dark expression. I had pitch-black hair darker than her, and thicker than my mother, which poured like a waterfall across my back.Her hair was short, trimmed in a bob haircut and arranged to the smallest detail, giving her a youthful look. Her face was perfect, white and fine, a few little and browns freckles stained my cheeks by breaking my face completely, and I didn't even know where I had them from!
   -Let's get out of here!I said in an extinguished voice, not beeing able to see the face of that woman anymore.
     Dad did not wait for anything else and started the engine, accelerating and leaving everyone's eyes.
      I looked into the rear-view mirror. My mother put her hand to her mouth and even though I didn't see it, I was sure that tears flowed out of her eyes. If I was certain of one thing; is that she regrets that she lost me, and now I enjoy it just because it brings her suffering,but still she did not love me as much as she loved the money and now that she got what she wanted more, I hope she will neve succeed to be really happy, to suffer as well as me and my father will suffer from now.
     The car got further and further until the woman who once was my mother became only a black point that has completely disappeared when I closed my eyes, leaving my head on my back, knowing that since today, I don't t have a mother anymore.
      The summer months passed very fast, I lost the notion of time without paying attention to the notion of day or night. I could hardly go home and when I was doing it, my dad was not there, and when he was I would wound him drowning in the drink, looking at our old family pictures. How could he look at them? Look at her? I'm going to burn the photos one day to wipe out her complete existence of this house. My dad was easily destroyed, and he tried to stay strong for me but when he saw he lost me,he fell too. He had lost his job because of the drink and now practically had no income, I had infiltrated myself in a rather dangerous gang but that kept me alive. The drugs were my only good and the alcohol the only drink. We spent our time in clubs and took part in all sorts of crimes that have led me to police more then a few times.
    It was a bad and dangerous life, but if I did not live like that, I would have died. My father understood me, every time he took me out of custody, he looked so bitter. He blamed himself for everything, and no matter how I tried, I could not make him understand that he had absolutely no blame.
      Amanda, the woman who I regret calling "mother" for 18 years, tried to get me close to her. She sent me packet gifts that she was investing, of course, in her new husband's money. Clothes, money, jewelry, and even a car on my birthday.
    When I was 18, last month, all I wanted on that day was to forget about everything and to spend it with my gang escaping in that place were the problems do not exist...until I got out of my door and found a black car, adorned with a big, red bow on the pavement. It was exactly the style of the car that I loved, the one I've dreamed of forever,but which brought me so much anger at that moment that I got into it and drove up to the lake close to the city and I pressed hard on accelerating before I jumped out of it and sink it into the deep water, along with the other things she gave me. If the world knew how many jewels and valuables were on the bottom of this lake, its waters would be bleeding because of the slaughter that would be created inside it. Often I wanted to throw myself between the cool and welcoming waves of this lake, which seemed to be an ocean,but something has always stopped me, telling me that my goal in this world has not yet been touched.
   We needed money, we risked being kicked out of the modest apartment where we lived in a small district in western New York. The electricity had been interrupted by arrears, and the water and gas will follow, but we didn't feel the lack, for us the house was just a place where we came to rest when we exaggerated too much and our body ceded.
    I changed completely over the summer, the new and chaotic lifestyle changed my attitude , not only the body . I was eating only when I felt like I was ceding, drugs were my main source of food I had slated about 20 kg and now I got to weigh about 50 kg at a height of 1.75, so  what I struggled to make a live it appeared when I didn'twant it any more: to be my mother's faithful copy. The maturity offered by my new behavior offered me a dangerous yet sexy expression, which dazzled the guys in a way that I would never have thought I could do, but I kept me away from anything could hurt me again. You have to feel the pain of rupture from the beginning. I was in a dangerous relationship with the euphoria of drugs and I do not think she will ever betray me, or leave me when I need it.
    With the new unexpected changes and teenage age, I could finally say that Between Amanda and I I was finally the beautiful sister, at least that's what I wanted to believe.
      The thought that the school will start three weeks from now was terrifying. I didn't want to go, but my father still had some authority in him, so he forced me to resume the studies in the last year of high school. But lately I didn't listen to anyone I doubt I will do it now. Especially since everyone form high school knew my story, and now probably they will compare me to Amanda. I have other reasons to fill my hands with blood because this is the first thing I would do when someone tells me i look like that bastard.
                                 ...
     -Kath ... Katherine!
   I heard my name as thru fog and I opened my glazed eyes, and all my body was trembling. My dependency was very high and I already had health problems, but I didn't care. I had fallen into a black hole and liked the darkness of it.
         I closed my eyes again, feeling a horrible pain in my stomach, and I suspect it came from hunger. I struggled to fall asleep again until I heard the name cried out with a loud noise like a bang in the door.
      -What the?! I yelled nervously, lifting myself in the sitting and feeling fury in my dry throat, where too many poisonous substances had slipped.
      - Get out of the room honey, we need to talk! I heard my father's quiet voice and I realized he was on the other side of the bedroom door.
      -What do you want? I responded with the same hardness that I was constantly using lately, forgot to speak calmly as I forgot to smile.
       -Just wake up and come to the living room, please.
      I felt him walking away, and I got up nervously out of bed, winning a row of swearing. The sudden movement made my head spin and Made me gasp, I put a hand on my forehead struggling to keep on my feet. My room was a real disaster, I was about to fall because my clothes were all over the place, I do not remember if I had ever done cleaning in this place after the day she left, neither in the rest of the house .
      My body was so weak that I could barely stand on my feet. My vision was blurry, and even if I was doing so badly, all I wanted now was a dose that would give me that crazy energy and euphoria I needed so much.
      I knit up to the door, opening it hard because of the. clothes and garbage thrown down. I headed for the little bathroom in the hall and I was surprised to realize that the rest of the house was not a disaster like my room, on the contrary; there was a scent of detergent in the air, indicating that cleaning had been done recently. Did I notice a light on the hallway? What was my father doing?
       I entered the bathroom, the same order and pleasant smell. What I have lost? I wasn't too careful about what's going on with this house lately, I'm sure it wasn't always cleaned, I'm sure it was the same disaster so far in my room.
     I turned the water tap, not sure that something would come out, but the crystalline water took place immediately, flowing in a powerful jet and making a deaf and sharp noise. I rinsed my face a few times, throwing cold water on my pale and dry cheeks. The thick, black leather bracelets embroidered with large and sharp targets, plus large stretched rings like the snakes over my fingers, prevented me from washing my face as it should have. I was in the same clothes I had and outside. Black and cut jeans,  black mullion on the body, black leather jacket, long to the middle of the back. Black had become the only color I had for myself. My eyes were injected, my vision blurred from time to time, and I felt my feet soften and I was about to crash.
       There was nothing of that Katherine Wrise from a few months ago, waking up in the morning with a smile on her lips, nice to everyone wearing that little aura of rebellion, not adoring school but learning hard dreaming about a career in law, shedding the energy and the insignificant rage in the dance, and whose only problem was the extra pounds that ruined her body to be perfect.
         Now this is the only good thing I have, my body. The rest have overwhelmed me and destroyed me quickly and safely. I did not care about anyone and nothing, I had no purpose in life, I lived to live and breathe so I would not die.
     My black makeup had spread all over my face, creating a truly frightening figure. But my eyes were spicy enough, I did not need the soap for more. I wiped my face with a towel, feeling again the fragrance of fresh ,I wave to find out what is happening...I put that towel back on its support but it fell down, black traces of my makeup were printed on the white  and fluffy towel...
      I threw it and I left the bathroom, shaking my head slightly and trying to feel better, I needed food so much but yet I was not hungry at all and I'm sure I couldn't swallow anything, my stomach had suffered had suffered too much to function normally. I headed to the living room where my dad was waiting on the small and brown sofa, watching a few files.
       I was amazed again when I looked at him more closely, I didn't saw my father too often lately, but I could swear he was a disaster. Dirty and mottolite clothes, unchanged for days, slick and messy hair, unshaved and with injected eyes. But now ... now he was the same man who had been before she left. He was shaved, wearing a simple and white shirt that was molded on a much weaker but still well made body. His eyes had the same clarity as once bathed in the most beautiful blue color possible. His hair was arranged just as he used to before, and he looked fresh, when I saw him last time his long hair we'd covering his eyes, but the question is: when did I see him last time?
      He looked up at me, his eyes got wider for a few seconds when he saw me, my makeup was now stretched across the face, creating dirty streaks on my cheeks. I understand why he is scared.
      -What do you want? I asked again, trying to seem as calm and normal, but I think I forgot to do this,  my throat getting out the same rough and empty voice. I sited on the chair in front of him, looking at the papers he held in the hand on the table between us. I tried to figure out what they weee about but I gave up when my eyes were blurred and gave me a short headache in the small letters. I let my jacket slip over her shoulders, putting her on the back of the chair. I sat down, leaning over my face and putting my elbows on my knees. I let my head down trying to stop the faint state that crossed my body. I closed my eyes, tightening my eyelids, breathing deeply, trying to make as little noise, then I raised my head slightly, directed my attention towards him.
     He looked so exasperated,I knew he didn't see anything in me from his doughter, but his eyes remained the same when he looked at me. He was looking at that girl who knew she was somewhere inside the strange and dark body she possesses now ... but he was wrong, she disappeared forever.
       -Sweetie, we can't  go on like this, you can't go on like that. He Had speak seriously by looking at me carefully. You're destroying your life, Katherine!
       -That's why you called me here? O argue with me? I thought you gave up on that when you realized I didn't care about anything! The hardness of my tune grew with every word, as did the nervousness, the most sensitive lately.
      -Yeah, Katherine, that's why I called you up here. We both fell too deep and we have to get to the surface. We can't destroy our lives because of your mother who left us to have a better one.
   -Stop saying that word! I literally yelled, my hands were clinging to my fists as I leaned over to him.
    I was sure the look in my eyes was devilish, I saw the fear of his eyes when I watched him with hatred for pronouncing that word . For me there is no longer the word mother . I prefer to think that I have been created of anything else, just not from a woman who abandoned me as a boring and used object.
     He came back to me, trying to become as calm and warm as possible. He took a deep breath and stared at my nervous face.
    - I'm sorry, sweetheart, I know it was the hardest for you and I won't blame you for anything you've become. And I gave up, but I have a debt to you. You are everything I have left and everything I have ever had, you have chosen me ... and I will not let you fall down. I looked at you with my heart broken, losing you day after day, the same thing I did, that was the only way to forget her... - It was a faint frown on his forehead, but it still seemed so deep. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, struggling vigorously, it seemed he was seeing his life in front of his eyes , and at this moment I realized that my father still loved her ...He raised his face again.
     -We need a new beginning, the book is not ended, we had a hard chapter, but this is over, we are opening a new chapter, one in which I will make sure that you are going to revert what you once were.
    Finish the sentence looking at me serious.
     I smiled amused leaving my back in the armchair.
      - Dad, you think if you cleaned up the house, you cut your hair and you took a shower, you started a chapter? Nothing will change, I am who I am now, and that's because that's the only way I can survive. I do not want a new beginning and I definitely do not want to become what I once was when I was living on a pattern I hate now more than anything on Earth. My tone was still harsh, but extremely serious, demonstrating that I am very determined in what I say.
    - Okay, then you won't  be the one in the past, but not the present, you need a new one, Katherine. You say this helps you survive, look at you!
       I started rubbing my nerves, wanting to leave and get rid of this discussion.
      -I woke up, Katherine, a few days ago when I saw that I lost you completely, that you were totally lost, when I pulled you out of the police station for so many times, and for the first time I did not recognize you at all . It has become a routine for you to get there, to steal hurting people, messing up ... when is the last time you ate?
       -He was  watching me with a look knowing I will not know how to answer this question, not without lying.
        -Yesterday! I responded quickly, looking everywhere instead of his face.
       - You are lying, with your entourage friends you use anything instead of food, and you have not been home for three days, when you came this morning I thought you were hurt, someone knocked you, you were so weak...you don't  look better anymore.
      I was already boiling of nerves,why he had to start this thing now? He regained  his paternal sentiment right now, when I didn't need that. This morning?! I do not take care of time anymore, all I know is that Adam one of my friends brought me home because someone was calling on my phone but I was already in another world. Probably my father called me, but I was so weak when I got home that I went straight to bed.
      I searched for a watch in the white room, and on the small desk in a corner it was just about 5 o'clock in the afternoon. I could swear it's morning, I just wanted to use this to get rid of him and go to sleep.
      - I forbid you to hang with those people, since tomorrow, you are hospitalized in a detox clinic and I don't want to ever use drugs.
     -What?I screamed nervous rising up in my legs. Do you think if you have changed, you can change me so easily? What do you not understand that I feel perfect as I am now? I was getting nervous and it was a bad getting myself out of the armchair so suddenly and fast.
      -Perfect?! His nerves were rising too. Look at you, you're barely on your feet. He caught my nervous arm and shaken me hard to prove his point of view.
        -I'm good on my feet, you have not cared so far and you've done well, if you want to change yourself, okay. But I don't want to! I pulled my arm nervously out of his hand, I smacked me strong and gived  me a few steps back, I immediately felt like my samples exploded and a strong blow struck my whole body and before I realized I was crashed to the ground .
     Two strong arms lifted me immediately, and a scared voice was calling me, but my darkness wanted me. I was such a good host for him, and immediately he got hold of me, being unable to feel anything around me, the thing I wanted most.
   A terrible pain that enraged my whole body forced me to wake up, I was weaker than ever, I knew the sensation, I needed drugs, absolutely.
     I opened my eyes forcing my dead body to stand up, but immediately two hands
grabbed my shoulders and forced me to stretch back. I saw my father's worried look, watching me intensely.
     -I need ... I spoke with my voice off, I didn't care that I was asking for drugs to my father, I needed them more than anything in the world. I already felt like I was going crazy, my mind was making strange pictures in my head that did not belong to me.
     -You need food. My dad continued to look at me seriously.
     - No! I contradicted him harshly, feeling my head explode. I promise I'll leave them tomorrow, just give me something now, I feel like I die.
      -Well, it's already tomorrow, it's midnight so you leaved them. His voice tried a ton of amusement that made me horrible. I got up nervously, rejecting the way I felt trying to get to my room, where I had some secret reserves. My dad immediately caught me back.
    - Let me go! I cried out nervously, trying to get rid of his grip, but my strength was nonexistent.
     - Katherine! This time he cried out loud, his voice crawling in my holes, but making me shake even harder.
     - Let me go! I hate you! I spoke without realizing what I was saying, but I needed my medication so I would have done anything to get to them. He was in danger of receiving a blow soon if he did not let me go.
     A short groom came out of his throat and felt high up, I was desperate in my attempt to escape, but I was not stronger than him. He kicked me back on the couch, grabbing my shoulders and strangling them, forcing me to stand still.
    Another nausea and faint has taken hold of me.
     - Dad, if you want me to live give me goddamn powder. I said hard, my eyes almost shut So I felt my head rocking without being able to keep it fixed.
     -I want you to live, I'll give you this. Immediately in front of me a plate appeared with food, my stomach turned back as I saw the porridge of the plate that smelled terrible.
     - Get her out of here! I screamed, shaking my neck.
     - Kath, it's just food, it's not gonna make you bad, you need food, your body's dead. You should stop thinking at drugs because as long as I live you will not touch them any more.
      The same serious and tough voice came into my ears, annoying me. But no matter how much I could fight, I could not escape. I accepted to eat hoping that after that he would let me go and I could inject something until I  die.
     But my stomach was not what it once was, I tortured him too much, and now he poured on me. The taste of the food was horrible, I realized it was something of potatoes and more vegetables, but it tasted like a cardboard mixed with muddy puddle.
     The bad part came after the first swallow, when my stomach came back completely and I started to vomit, I did not know what, I had not been eating for days, what could be in my stomach to get out now?
     My father helped me not leaving me for a moment, he went with me to the bathroom, where I spilled everything out of me lying on the floor and leaning over the toilet. He was carrying me like a small baby, washed my face and gave me some water to wash my mouth.
     My body was dead, now I was completely incapable of moving any muscles.
     Still, after he brought me back to the couch, he still forced me to eat, as a small child. I refused nervously until he forced me to take the spoon in my mouth, I swallowed with fear, but to my luck nothing went out, probably because there was nothing to throw up left,but the same feeling of nausea was present in my stomach. I took a few more swallows then I refused to eat, I crouched on the couch, lifting my legs up and surrounding them with my arms, starting to feel like a schizophrenic looking at the white and tiny carpet on the floor that started look like marijuana. I began to lean toward the floor, as if to admire the carpet that looked so seductive, but my father caught me and put me back in my place. I rubbed my eyes, I was already going mad, and he was holding me bound here, I wanted a little bit of power to get up and get over him.
     - We'll go over and over, Kath, we'll be happy again ... it's time to get it all over again. And the next step after you come back from this obsession, we'll be moving out of this place full of too bitter memories that do not give us peace.
   I looked up at him.
    -To move away?! I repeated mechanically.
     Yes, I have already sold the apartment and I have chosen the city where we will move, I have to find a house there and we do not look back.
    - Wait! Are you saying we're moving from New York? I said abruptly, leaving my feet down and staring at him.
     - Yeah, I've already arranged almost everything, we are moving  in Seattle
     - Seattle ?! Are we moving to Washington?
     - Yes! Approved my dad.
     - Why there?
      -It's a beautiful city and why not ?! Would you have preferred somewhere else?
I stared at him and leaned back against the sofa.
    -Is still America, Dad! This is not a new beginning, and anyway, I'm not going out of here, I putted my hands on my chest being sure of my words. Here was my house, my new friends, and here was the darkness that kept me alive. I do not want a new place to remove my wounded soul and expose myself to suffering....I said
    - We'll see you again! Said my dad with a little smirk.