Numb

                He said I wasn't the same anymore. He said I was too complicated to understand. He said dating me was like dating a dead girl, a ghost.   As he said all these things, he glared helplessly, because I was still silent. I was so calm, like as if it was all as normal as the daily circle of a rising sun.
                 He talked and he talked, saying the same things over and over again, in all the different ways. And finally he walked away, helplessly running his hands through his hair once or twice. He seemed more mad than he was sad.              

               Later he texted. He said he couldn't understand how easily I let him go. How easily I let him walk away and how normal I acted. But he doesn't know, No, what I showed him wasn't the actual way I am. No I am not that weird. Perhaps I am, I can't decide.                  

               No, I did care about him. I did know, how he felt like, I knew he was confused. But he had the power to walk away, and I was happy for him.                    

              He doesn't know. I don't need anyone. And I don't want to let anyone replace the loneliness and silence in my house. I'd rather have the orange cute lamp on, the huge brown bear on a side, my books on the bed shelf, the AC on, a couple of series in my laptop, the holy book with its translations and the smell of burning fragrance oil.                 

              He doesn't know, but he was scaring me. He wanted to get into my heart. He wanted to build a trust-able home in me. He wanted eternity. He wanted commitment. He wanted to break my walls down.                   

             He doesn't know, but it took me years to build walls. It took me years to learn that the only thing  that could save me was to build walls.There were times when I didn't want his presence at all. And he wanted to give me all his time. I just didn't want to waste time on another person that would one day become a mere memory.               

             If he felt like he was too hard to love, he should know that it was the other way around. I was scared of how easy to love he was. I was scared of the place in my life I would give him, the place he won't one day value anymore.

               I knew too well, what people were. I knew the circle. I knew what was going to happen. But I swear, I didn't plan on hurting him.
                I swear, I swore to myself when I laid my eyes on him for the first time, I swore I would just keep him as a person I knew and nothing more. When we talked I swore I was just going to enjoy the talk and it would only be that. The more I learned about him, the more I got lost into our talks, but I swore to myself I won't feel the lust in my head. I swore the lust would only be lust. And when it grew into something else, I swore I won't tell him. And when I finally told him, and when he said it back, I was too scared to face what was ahead.                    

                This one, he was different. He was way too addicting. And that was his problem. It was when certain things changed, that I started visualizing what was ahead, I saw it so clearly.Perhaps it was wrong. But it was my way of saving the time of my life that I was going to waste. I was not heartless. I was too fragile and too strong at the same time.                  

                I was too complicated for him to understand. Things that I saw in the world, since I let out my first breathe, from the time I opened my eyes, all those things I saw when I was too young to handle a broken heart, I used those things to kind of predict what other people were going to do.                          

                  So I saved myself before he broke me. I saved myself from the pain I was going to face.