I'm so sorry. (Dean & Castiel)

[Dean's P.O.V]

I felt lost. I just... I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. I stood still, rooted to the ground, completely frozen. At that moment, I couldn't feel anything. It was as if I'd just lost everything. Well, I actually did. Except for my little brother. He's the only thing that I have left.

I stumbled to the ground, kneeling beside him. My chest hurt. My heart ached. My mind was spinning. I just felt so terrible I almost couldn't breathe.

Why did this have to happen?

I didn't save him. I couldn't. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save anyone.

I looked over at his lifeless body, sprawled on the ground, still as beautiful.

Haha, beautiful, I never realized I thought that of him.

I inched closer towards his body and put out my trembling hand to caress his cheek... it's so soft. Haha, why haven't I done this before when he was still alive and well?

His whole body was cold now. The refreshing, soothing warmth that once encompassed both his hands was gone. I've held his hands many times: when I had to pull him up after he was flung out by some demon, when he got really weak that one time - I was so worried about him - I sat by and looked after him when he constantly fainted since he was so drained of energy, and also recently, a week ago, when he almost died. Haha, too soon? Yeah... oh god. I still remember.

He had a deep, dreadful wound to the heart. He looked worn out. Exhausted.

"I love you..." Cas managed to breathe out, giving me a glance. His eyes looked almost hopeless.

"...I love all of you..." He said after, his eyes now bouncing from me to Sam and then to Mom and back to me.

I hated this. I hated this so much. Cas had been through more than enough. He did not deserve this. My vision became more bleary. I had been holding back my tears for the longest time now.

Screw this. I wasn't ready to lose him. I never will be.

"Hey... Cas. Everything's going to be alright. You're not going to die. Not today. I won't let that happen," I tried. God, why can't all of this just stop?

"Dean... go. Save yourself. I don't want my last moments to be spent watching you die," Cas was struggling now, seemingly fighting against whatever was wrecking him.

"No. Screw that, Cas. I'm not going to leave you like I've always been doing. Not this time. And never again." I was just so desperate. So desperate for him to be okay again. I flinched back my tears as I held his hand, not letting go.

"I won't let you die. Please don't. Please don't leave me. Again. Please."

Cas looked up at me, his ocean blue eyes dreading.

"I'll never leave you, Dean."

And he didn't that day. I was so happy. So goddamn fucking happy. I- I didn't lose him.

Kill him.

What?

Manipulation.

G̴̤̯̩͓̮̤͇̭̜͐̊̿́̓ę̸̡̞̟͈̳̫̙̯̝͍̠̤̍̓̌̑̀t̴̨̨͙̗̰͉̫̱̠̲̙̑͗̚ ̸̺̰́̽͂̍̀̉̑o̸̞͙͕̾̿̚͘̕̕͝ŭ̸̜̪͕͚̟̑̓͌̌̐̆͝t̸͖̲̘̥̮̼̳̜̓͋͊̾̈̈̍̆͐̏͘ ̶͇͔̲̉͛̈́o̴̲̣̼̔̅͂̍̔̽̐̅̅̄̎̔͑͝f̴̰̣̼̱̔̎͠ ̵̨̬̝͕̖̬̉͘m̴̜̯̗̺͈̈́̓͂̿̇͆̑̇̿̕y̵͎̜̰͔̦̭̰̾͌ ̵̢̝̤̲͈̬̱͓̺̞̼̞́h̸̡͉͈̣̠̝̖͕̠͙̰̏͂̔͂̋̿̌̚̕̕͠e̴̢̝͖͇̠͜͝ǎ̵̧̳̪̠̥̪̙̩͇̼̤͉̮͐͘d̵̢̨̲͖̘͓̘̩͙̓̑̌̉̏̃̾̐͐̐̈́̃̚͜.̵̟̌̐͝

But I lost him. I still did.

Killed by Lucifer.

I was too slow. Too stupid.

I could've saved him. But I didn't.

I didn't.

Let me in.

F̴̥͐ư̵̡̤̮̤̑̉̔c̷̬̮͉̐̈́̓̌k̴̨̨̦̿̍̄̕ͅ ̶̯̃̑͝o̶̢͕̮̥̐̈f̸̯̔̂f̸̢͕̒̕͠.

Let me in.

M̶̜̟̫̥̦͑̔͆̇͠ạ̶͎͋̊̽͝k̵̨̹̤̮̼̫̯̳̗̉͛͆̔̿͝e̵͎̼͇̅̈́͗͗͒͑͝͝ ̶̧̠͚̯̺̣̿͂͂͊̊ͅi̴̱̥̲̟̟̔͊́͌́t̴̢͔̺̮̝͔̬̆̿͊̐̉̅ ̵̙̗͚͆͊̉̏̅͛̈́͘s̶̲͔̥̮̑t̷͓̮̲̤̺̙͖̠͗̆̓͋͗͘ơ̴̠̥͚̤͎͎̗͙̼̤͂̆͂̓̏̊̑p̸̧͉̼̈́͆͜͝!̸̠͊

Let me in, you monster.

And I stopped. I stopped crying.

My eyes fell upon the lifeless body of my friend once again.

He's really gone.

Gone.

Lucifer killed him.

Lucifer killed him.

He killed him.

Him.

I bent forward, pressing my palms to the ground.

"I'm so sorry, Cas. I-"

I couldn't.

I can't do this.

You.

"I...I love-"

You're a monster, Dean.

"I love... you."

You did it.

"But I killed you, didn't I?"

You killed him.

As my demon black eyes started to show.