میری منضل سۓکح اؤ*
*مسافر تھک گیا تیرا
"Ugh is this even worth it?????" I whispered to myself as I listened to my chemistry teacher trying to explain the valency of a carbon atom to the class. "Zahra? Zaaahraaa? ZAHRAAAA?" Fatimah said.
"WHAAAAATTTT?"
"I SAID DO YOU HAVE YESTERDAY'S HOMEWORK ??????"
"I don't. I told you to do it yourself."
*Fatimah sighs* "Never mind."
At this point of my life, I can't even function properly. It is like everyday is a chore and I am too lazy. Like there is no point in doing anything. Even if I discovered a whole new planet that had the cure for AIDS I still would not be satisfied with myself because I am never good enough doesn't matter what I do. You know the feeling when you have this permanent mindset that you can never be the girl next door who is like 1000000 times better than you just because she is someone else and not YOU? You know the feeling when you have been degrading yourself since years and now all the bad things in the world seem to be your fault? When you feel like your existence is meaningless? yep...
*School bell rings*
"Okay class hope you all understood today's lecture. I want you all to complete the next three exercises of this chapter by tomorrow. NO EXCUSES!" Sir James said as he picked up his backpack and cleaned his glasses with his blue check handkerchief.
"Okay wow I thought he would be nice enough to leave us alone at least for a day" I said.
"Haha you know him, He never let's us go without homework"
*sighs* " And i thought i would play fortnight the whole day." *Shaking my head in disappointment* "I'm just gonna ask my brother to complete the homework."
"Oh God you're so lucky to have siblings. You can make them do anything." Fatimah said. "I wish I had someone to do my homework too haha."
"Do you really think it is easy to convince him to do my homework? I am pretty sure i'll have to do something in return for it."
"But atleast you will get it done. Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I can see my mum waiting over there. BYEEE!! See ya tomorrow." Fatimah said as she left running towards her black Honda Civic with a dented door.
"Bye" I said softly knowing she won't even hear my soft Goodbye.
It has been a long time since I felt an actual genuine connection with a human being. The last time I felt that was back in 9th grade. My best friend Gabby was a true friend. A friend you could trust blindly. A friend you could spend your whole entire life with and never get bored. A friend who would make you feel like you deserve the world even when you didn't. Who would bring you out of the darkest pits of hell and put you on the top of the greatest mountain of heaven in a matter of seconds. We had an exceptional connection. It was a connection that never existed before. And CAN never exist!
.... But just like all the other good things in my life, She couldn't last that long. She left.. Possibly for good. Because the world was going to take her life slowly anyway...
*Car honks*
"Don't you wanna go back home kiddo?" My mum said with her tiny little hands on the leathery steering wheel, her freckly face out of the car window. Pretty brown eyes staring into mine.
"Didn't see you there." I said pretending to be completely present minded.
Mum smirked, But it wasn't a happy smirk. It was a concerned smirk. She knew I wasn't satisfied with my life... And she wan't either.
We got back home and I went straight to my room. I knew if I stayed downstairs with my mum she'd ask questions. Questions about how school was and how has life been lately. Questions about how my friends were and how has chemistry been treating me all this time. The truth is, I'm scared of questions. I'm scared she'll ask me something that I won't be able to answer. I'm scared ill tear up in front of her. I'm scared she'll get extremely concerned, Develop a disease and then blame me again for it just like she did when i was born. I gave her Hypertension. I gave her depression. I gave her all the diseases she has today. Just because I was born. And still to this day she believes that a tiny little child born with a bad medical condition intentionally forced her to develop diseases.
*door knocks*
"Your friend is here"
I panicked...
"Whichh friend??? None of my friends told me they're coming????? UGH WHAT?"
I wasn't ready to meet anyone. I wasn't in the mood.
"Your friend Kate. She said she wanted to meet you" Mum said.
"But she should've asked me before coming ugh okay I'm coming downstairs."
I have social anxiety. I think a hundred times before meeting anyone. Or even before talking to anyone. Oorrr even before going out. I can't just meet people whenever or talk to them whenever or see them whenever. I have to mentally prepare myself. Meeting people is an effort and I am too exhausted for that.
"HEYYYYYYYY ZAHRAAAAA I REALLY MISSED YOUU THOUGHT I WOULD VISIT YOU TODAY ITS BEEN SOOO LONGGGGGGGG!!!" Kate said excitingly.
"Hi I______"
She cut me off "Sorry for not informing you before coming. I thought you'd give lame excuses to not meet again hahaha"
I was exactly gonna do that.. I thought to myself. But oh well she's here. Gotta pretend to be nice to her.
"Hahahaha whatt?" I said pretentiously. "I missed you soooo much, I was thinking about you just yesterday"
"Awww NOW I'M HERE YAYYYY!" Kate said
Yes you're here and you'll probably stay here for the next five hours and eat my brain with your lame gossip i have no interest in. Sigh. I have tried my best to give Kate hints about me not being interested in her gossip about all our old friends but ugh... Some people can't take up signs i guess.
"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO REBECCA AND SAM?"
"What?" I wasn't interested.
"THEY BROKE UP!" Kate said with her eyes wide open. "Everyone thought they were the best couple and they'd stay together forever. OMG I REMEMBER ALL THOSE CUTE MOMENTS THEY HAD."
I knew they'd eventually breakup. Young teenage love doesn't last that long.
"WHATTT? OMG NO WAY!" I said trying to seem interested.
"HELL YES I CANT BELIEVE EITHER"
And then she chattered for the next 2 hours until she finally realized I wasn't in the mood. She left at 6.p.m and i couldn't wait to finally get into my bed and procrastinate. That is what i always did. Procrastination helped me pass my days. It helped me sleep.... But wait.... ugh the HOMEWORKKK!!!!!
