Precious Life

Prolouge

It's Saturday May 7th. I glance over at the clock. It reads 1:35 am. My pillow is soaked, my face is hot and sticky from constant tears. No matter how hard I try, they don't stop. Not only do the tears not stop, but neither do the nightmares that haunt my mind every night. I lie down just as my mother sprints in from the other room.

I'm now staring the clock down hoping time will go faster, but it doesnt, it never does. It's now only 1:36 am and not three minutes ago did I shoot straight up screaming, lost in yet another nightmare. My mother is wearing nothing but her underwear and an oversided T-shirt she got three years ago from a saint patricks day event at a bar. All I have to do is look at her and the light from the hallway gives her enough lighting to see my face is soaked and im shaking. She sits beside me without a word and hugs me.We stay like that for a minute or two before words are spoken.

"Angela," she says her voice is scratchy as if she had just gotten home from some sort of rock concert. "Are you sure you don't want to sleep downstairs with me and your cousin and her friend? We are watching Cyberbully," She smiles, "you love that movie!" She stands at the foot of my bed waiting for a reply, "I'll pass," I mumble "but thank you for your consideration, besides its not like Melanie would appreciate me down there hanging out with you guys anyway, go on without me, be a happy hallmark family, but count me out." She kicks her feet a bit on the ground and looks down, she looks worried and depressed and scared and sad all in the same face. "well all right, but if you need anything- " she stops as i pull the covers up over my head and transform into a ball. "I love you.." she starts toward the door. Faintly under the wad of blankets I've cacooned into I say "love you more." She laughs and shuts my door on the way out.

It wasn't always like this. At one point my family was a real life representation of what you would find on the front of a hallmark greeting card. Well like most greeting cards, our family was torn apart, it got old and dusty, and it needed replaced.

My dad, moved out. My mom turned into an alcoholic who brought home random men, and made sure I knew most every night what a waste of space I am, how worthless and unwanted I am. Then she would always try to buy my happiness. which I guess she never quite comprehended the fact that 'Money wont buy love' as most would say.

People might say i actually have it pretty good, i have a house to live in, I have clothes on my back, and my parents didnt completly abandon me. Although most nights I wish they had. You see, maybe my PARENTS don't hate me... but none of that matters, because I hate me. I have never been good enough for my mom, and i started feeling insicure around the age of seven, i started to hate myself around the age of eleven, and thats not just something you grow out of! Not quickly anyway. It's a process, a LONG, SLOW, HARD, process. unfortunatley I suffered in silence, my family never had the slightest clue that I cut myself, or that i absolutely can't stand anything about myself, or that I wanted to die, I had wished over and over, night after night before falling into the sleep realm, that i wouldnt wake up the next morning. You see that's why i like sleep, it's like death, but without the commitment.

My family, was so oblivious of my hatred of myself, and how much better I dreamed the world without me, that they hadn't the slightest idea of how much suffering I was in. Until Wednesday. May 7th, 2014. That was the day that, without warning. I dissapeared.