"Taylor we both know that this isn't working anymore."
"No, no I don't see why this isn't working anymore. I thought we were happy." The singer was confused. Karlie had come over for lunch because she wanted to talk about something. Taylor had expected her to say something along the lines of 'I'll be out of town for work for a few weeks'. She didn't see this coming.
"Please don't. Please don't go," Taylor's voice broke. "I need you," she whispered, tears streaming down her face.
"It's for the best, baby," Karlie replied, sadness evident in her voice.
"How is this for the best? Tell me what's bothering you and we'll work on it. I promise I'll do anything," the singer begged, scared that this would be the last chance to change her girlfriend's mind. Taylor had once vowed to herself that she'd never ever beg someone to stay in her life when they clearly wanna leave but she couldn't bear the thought of losing Karlie.
"I'm so sorry, princess," the model walked up to Taylor, kissed her forehead "I truly am sorry but I can't do this anymore."
With those parting words Karlie left their apartment. The apartment they had spent most of their two year relationship at. After the door was closed the singer broke down in tears.
Where did they go wrong?
Sure they had their fair share of fights, like every couple had. But every time they fought, they in the end kissed and made up. The only fight that could never be resolved was their coming out. Taylor wanted to wait while Karlie was sick of keeping them a secret. She'd always say that Taylor was it for her, that she wanted to grow old with her, that she didn't care about what people thought.
That's where Karlie and Taylor were completely different, while Karlie was a carefree girl that didn't care about other people's opinions, Taylor was scared, she was a girl that took risks where her music was concerned but rarely in real life. The few times she was carefree were with Karlie. The model had a way of getting her to do things she was scared to do.
Flashback
"Oh come on, it'll be fun."
"No, it won't. Do you have any idea of what could happen? I could fall. There could be a huge wave I won't see coming. I could drown. I could die, Karlie. I can't believe my own girlfriend wants to kill me."
"Oh please we're talking about surfing not jumping off of a cliff or something," Karlie laughed.
She'd never admit it but she thought Taylor was adorable when she was overreacting like this.
"There could be sea urchins and they're terrifying. Do you want me to lose body parts?"
The model walked up to Taylor who was currently cooking their dinner at her LA home.
"Baby, I promise you that there are no sea urchins and I won't leave your side so you won't drown okay? I'll protect you," Karlie said, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.
"Okay."
As it turned out Taylor wasn't the best surfer but she did have a lot of fun. She didn't drown nor did she see a sea urchin.
When she was with Karlie, Taylor forgot that she's Taylor Swift. That was something no one else had ever made her feel. Karlie kept Taylor grounded. And now Taylor felt like she was free falling.
Karlie walking out turned her world upside down. How could one moment, just one conversation cause so much pain? How could one person cause her so much pain?
The worst part was that even though Karlie hurt her like no one else ever had, she missed her. Taylor missed the way Karlie smiled, her laugh, her dumb jokes. She missed seeing her girlfriend's eyes light up with passion when she talked about coding. She missed the Sundays when Karlie would wake her up with coffee. She missed her comments about never working out to which Taylor always replied that what they do in the bedroom counts as a full body workout. Karlie laughed every time.
The first few weeks after the breakup Taylor expected the model to come back. But she never did. Whenever someone knocked on her door, the songwriter got her hopes up but the person on the other side was never Karlie.
It was her mom or her dad, sometimes her brother and most times some friend who came to New York to see her. The news of their breakup had travelled fast.
One day the person on the other side was Derek. He came to pick up Karlie's boxes and to return her key. Karlie was out of town working.
It took another few days for the singer to come to terms with the fact that the girl would never return.
Once the feeling that their relationship really was over sunk in, Taylor tried to numb the pain. She spent her days in bed. Her nights were filled with nightmares that wouldn't let her sleep. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Karlie.
She started to drink at night. The alcohol made her so dizzy at some point that she passed out. But every morning she woke up and she was still alone. During those days she felt truly broken. Her career was probably destroyed thanks to Kim and her girlfriend left her.
What was there to live for?
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One morning she decided that the only way to escape the pain was to let go of Karlie and move on. She started by getting out of bed which was a challenge in itself. The only times she got up over the last two months were to eat, to use the bathroom or to take a shower. She changed out of Karlie's t-shirt she was wearing.
Then she picked up a pen and started to write. It was the first time she'd written anything since the breakup. Taylor expected her words to deal with the heartbreak she was feeling but instead she wrote about the things that could've been. She wrote about the future she saw for herself and Karlie. How she wanted the model to be her End Game.
She wrote about Kissgate and how she'd handle it differently now. Looking back, her reaction to those pictures might've been the first nail in the coffin of their relationship. Taylor could've told Tree not to deny that they were kissing, but she hadn't. After that concert Karlie and Taylor both got a taste of what it would be like for them to be out. While Karlie wanted to do it all over again, Taylor got scared. How she regretted being scared now.
After she had finished the album, Taylor felt better. It felt good to -in some way- finally tell Karlie the things she never could tell her in person. Writing reputation felt cathartic to her.
A year after the breakup the album was released and in that moment Taylor felt like she finally let Karlie go. She felt like she has finally moved on from the green eyed supermodel.
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Even months after reputation was released, Taylor had no idea if Karlie had heard it. She didn't know if she had expected Karlie to show up at her door again and come back. She didn't know whether she had expected a reaction at all. It felt weird for Taylor that she had no idea if Karlie liked the album. Karlie was always the first person to hear her songs. She was always the first person Taylor told about new stuff she was working on.
Maybe Taylor hadn't moved on completely after all.
Tour was a welcome distraction for the singer. The space between the times she thought of Karlie got bigger and bigger. Sometimes she didn't cross the girl's mind for days. Somehow Taylor was starting to finally feel at peace. Sure she thought about the good times she and Karlie had but her heart didn't hurt when she thought of her anymore.
Her broken heart was still a little cracked but she was okay. She knew for the first time that she'd be okay.
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Weeks later Taylor went on Instagram. She had no time to prepare herself for the first post she saw "Yes, a million times over💍".
The singer thought that seeing the post would feel like a knife stabbed in her heart but to her own surprise she smiled. It didn't hurt. She knew that Josh could give Karlie something she never got from Taylor; a public relationship. Karlie and Josh could hold hands, they could post pictures of and with each other, they could go out on romantic dates, they didn't need to have a certain number of people between them in group pictures.
Karlie didn't have to hide anymore.
After all this time seeing Karlie happy still meant everything to Taylor, even if she wasn't the reason for her happiness anymore.
For the first time in 18 months Taylor sent Karlie a text "Congrats!!"
