I had a normal childhood I guess... I played with my friends , I went to school , I was too young to understand all the things happening arround me , life was good when I was younger , when I felt like I was actually ok and not just saying it...
Chapter 2: getting worse
At age 7 I started noticing things , how my dad smoked out of a bucket , how everyone else's parents actually liked eachother , and how mine diddent , but most of all I noticed my sister's smoking because she allways smoked in our room to not be caught by our mum who would kill her if she knew my sister was buying weed off my dad , by this time my other sister Monica had moved out so it was just me and kirsty , she was allways there when I needed her and still is, but it's alot harder to talk about things nower days
Chapter 3: it all happens
At age 8 my dad left , drunk and stoned beyond belief , my sister and I cried quietly in our room , she was holding me so tightly and it made me feel safe , I asked her "when is dad comming back kirsty ?" And she just looked at me and her eyes filled with tears once more as she said "i dont think he is comming back" , I cried myself to sleep that night , not that I slept long , I couldent sleep with the feeling I had , the feeling of abandonment...
Chapter 4: I break
Age 9 ,My uncle Steven had been helping us out lately , he'd been over at our house alot, I liked it at first , I enjoyed the company , until when we were alone , he started touching me , in places I diddent like to be touched and I hated it , but I diddent want to upset my mum so I kept quiet , it became a weekly thing , when he came over once a week he would make sure I was alone with him at some point , and he got more aggressive, over time it became more than just touching , it was like...rape...
I couldent move , I couldent think , i felt so dead inside that I just lay there lifeless , and then I put on a smile for my mum and had to carry on with my pathetic life
Chapter 5: a complicated life
Why must I have such a complicated life , no father figure , a rapist uncle , a drug addicted sister and an alcoholic mum , I had no one to talk to , no one who would listen , one day arron decided to try and do it again , i tried to say no , but then he pulled out this needle and shoved it in my arm , rhipnol... it rushed through my body , I couldent move but I was fully awake , he injected this other drug into me and I felt so strange , I could start to move again , but my heart began to race and my hands were swetting , I couldent catch my breath , I was breathing so fast and my heart felt like it was beating faster and faster until...I blacked out , I couldent breathe at all , and it wasent just a feeling, I literally could not breathe , steven panicked and ran to get my mum , she called am ambulence , I woke up in the hospital the next day , attached to machines that I'm not even sure I know what they do , the nurse who came to check on me told me I had a "respitory arrest " and so I couldent breathe , but then when I got to the hospital my heart suddenly stopped so they had to give me CPR , I was so tired , I just wanted sleep at that point , so the nurse left and I stayed in the hospital for another 3 days before going home to my life of pain
Chapter 6: I tried
I tried to be happy , but I couldent , I was 9 nearly 10 and I had no future , I diddnt see my friends anymore , I kept myself away , I liked being on my own because it ment no one could hurt me , I was thinking about my sexuality alot , I knew I liked girls and guys , but telling my mum was the issue , I decided to keep quiet and just grateful to be alive...my dad tried to contact me , he wanted to see me , I made plans to see him not long after my 10th birthday and when that day came I was so anxious and happy at the same time , when he looked at me he started to cry and he hugged me , he'd never huhhed me before , it felt strange but nice , he tried his eyes and we spent the next 3 hours talking then he had to go and Kirsty came and picked me up , I felt like things were going to be ok...but they wernt...my mum got worse with her drinking , my dad got worse with his smoking and my head became a mess , I was bullied at school for liking girls , and for being quiet...if only they knew why I was quiet...one day I took a screwdriver and cut my arm , the pain felt nice , it made me feel ok , like all the sadness I felt from my life faded slightly and that helped me cope , a few months later I did it again but with a nail , it was so...so freeing , like I was in control and that was nice.
Chapter 7: it takes controll
I thourght i was in control of the cutting but I was wrong , by the time I was 12 I had cuts covering half of my thigh , and some on my arm , I couldent take this anymore , I thourght of suicide often , it seemed such a simple thing with such amazing results , and one day , I tried it , I was sick of life , and so I took a bottle of pills and swallowed all of them , I passed out and had a violent seizure but I never told Kirsty or Monica why I had the seizure...I never told anyone...
Chapter 8: my end
I was 13 and my cutting became an everyday thing , I would wake up , cut , go for a walk and come home and if somthing had happend I would cut again , and I also would cut at night to clear my head before I sleep.
I'm 14 now , my life keeps getting worse , in so many ways , my body isn't perfect , I'm not pretty , not skinny so I've stoped eating and when I do i purge , I need to be normal I just don't know how and it's gotten to much...I'm ending my life now...slitting my wrists...but what can I say ? I tried.
