At school everybody describes me as a happy and smiling girl, they all think that I'm happy,that i have no problems and that my life looks perfect. But it's not.. it never was. Because i was never enough i was never perfect and by "laughing and smiling" was just a wall i built and created.
To hide the real me. The sad, insecure, lonely me. I was born insecure and when i reached 5th grade i got bullied because i was skinny and that damaged me until now their words echo in my head. Like a broken record that's making me crazy.
I cry myself to sleep every night. I wake up crying and after i pull myself together i gather all the strength that's left to look strong, to look happy. I'm always the one who gives advices but i could never apply those advices to myself. I always try to comfort other people but nobody comforts me because they think i'm ok.
Sometimes i just want someone to look me in the eye and hug me tightly saying that it's ok to cry, it's ok to be broken.
I have a lot of problems at home. I have a complete family but so close yet so far.
I hate myself for being weak. For being ugly and stupid. At home i act bitchy and mean, another wall i've created for them to not care at all. Because i'm sick.. so sick of them seeing my small mistakes and not appreciating my big accomplishments and when it comes to my sister she only does a small little thing and their happy.
My father was never supportive. Second place was never enough. Even though i try.... he does not support my hobbies and other things i like to do like dancing. Getting 1-3 mistakes in a test or exam was a big deal. But being overprotective. I was never allowed to get out of the school campus. I was not allowed commute on my own. Because "it's for my own safety" not even when making projects.
So i make my classmates got to our house. Then he complains why i let them come. I can't fail any subject. I needed to be the perfect child any parent would want.
But i'm not perfect... i never was.
