Today I watched the woman I love get married, and it wasn’t to me. I sat there during the ceremony wanting to scream or do something to stop the whole wedding. I sat there and watched as they spoke their vows and I swear my heart dropped when I heard “I Do” come from her lips. All I could think was that it should be me up there with her. I had worn a cream color because it was the closest thing I could get to wearing white. She promised me a forever when we were together, but there she goes and has a child and marries the man who used to be just our cover up. I was always against having a cover up but management insisted on it and there came Wayne. Frankie and I dated for almost 2 years until she broke it off and said she couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t want to come out to the press that she was actually dating me the whole time and Wayne was just something to fool the media. She said she needed a break and ended things with us, but soon enough she had fallen in love with Wayne.
It was hard because I had to pretend like nothing happened. I had to live my live in the media being happy and trying not to show everyone that my heart had been broken. I had a guy management made me date and that was David Gandy but I ended it all with him after Frankie had told me that she loved wayne. Seeing Frankie move on from me is what killed me. I had to see her every day and act like nothing happened between us. Only the girls and management knew about Frankie and me. We acted like we were still best friends to the camera but off camera we would hardly pay attention to each other. Every time I tried to show her a bit of affection and act like my old self she always seemed to get annoyed. So I tried to move on again years later and date Jordan. He’s a great guy but everything he does reminds me of Frankie. I guess that’s what I like about him. Frankie and I were able to be on good terms again when we had a talk and she told me she missed our friendship. I told her I did too and I wasn’t lying. I did miss what we used to have before we started dating. Though sure she thought of it as we were just best friends, but to me it was the friend I was secretly in love with.
Even when I had met Frankie for the first time my heart felt like it skipped a beat. I knew from that day on she was going to be important to me. I didn’t feel like these with any of the other girls but just something pulled me towards Frankie in a way no one else could. At first I thought I just wanted her friendship but my friendship with Frankie was never a normal friendship. We were always so close and always so affectionate with one another more than we were with the other girls. She’s my soul mate and it hurts inside that sometimes you don’t get to be with your soul mate. Your soul mate just ends up being your friend for as long as you live. Sometimes it’s okay for people’s soul mates to be their best friend. It isn’t okay when you fall in love with that soul mate and end up dating and then having your soul mate not want to be with you. She didn’t even put the rest of the saturdays as her bridesmaids. I bet it was because of me too. When Frankie walked down the aisle with Wayne she started crying and she looked at me. I wanted to cry as well because I know the way Frankie cries. I’ve seen it often in all the different moods she would cry in. It didn’t seem like a happy cry. Our eyes locked for a few moments and I could only mouth to her that I love her. I didn’t mouth it for it to come off as a supporting friend.
I wanted the way I mouthed those words to show that I Love her more than anything or anyone. She only seemed to cry more and turn away. So now here I am sitting at the reception sick to my stomach. I sat at a table with Nick and the fodens and Aaron. Nick, Aaron and Ben had gone up to get a drink and I was left there with Una and Aoife Belle. I hadn’t put one smile on that day. Not even a fake smile. My heart was at the bottom of my stomach and just wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I sat there watching Frankie and Wayne do their first dance together as husband and wife. I sat there imagining what it would be like if it was me instead of wayne. The thought of it made my eyes well up with tears as I guess my body just couldn’t contain the pain anymore.
