"i used to never go to bed angry.
though it's all i seem to do lately.
now they're all looking at me like they hate me.
do you hate me?
do you hate me?!
you, can take my heart. heal it or break it all apart."
my depression sneaks up when the smallest problems happen. it could be when i fail a test, when i get nervous, it could be anything. it swallows you whole, it tells you everything you don't want to hear.
the worst thing is my mom doesn't understand. she thought my sensitivity was a phase and she didn't say anything, until i harmed myself. i know she doesn't care, i can see the fake concern in her eyes, i can see that she talks about me behind my back, because she does it with my siblings all the time while im alone with her. you see, i never felt less nervous around my mother. no, i felt scared. she was terrifying to me most times, and sometimes she wasn't. i'm scared to tell her everything. im scared to tell her how my day actually was, because i know it would end up with her being angry at me for no reason. i'm scared to tell her about my sexuality, because i'm scared of her throwing me out the house. i'm scared of her so much, i don't wanna speak up about something. i'm scared of her.
who i'm not scared of is my sister, my older sister (who i base most of my characters off of) knows i lean towards girls more than boys and she's ok with it. she is a safe place i may never use, but she's still a safe place i can go to when there is nothing else.
i'm also, not scared of my father. around march or february i told him that i liked both genders. he said i was too young to think about this, but said he'd love me either way. i'm not scared of my father. my father makes me feel safe. more than anyone in my family.
now tell me why my mother doesn't understand? she never does, and it's fucking killing me. i can look my mother in the eyes, and say 'i'm suicidal' and she would say 'you're over reacting.'
anyway, my ugly ass needs to shut up. i just had to get this off my chest.
bye, i guess.
