suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts

I'm 13 years old and I suffer with bad depression and suicidal thoughts. I cut my legs and wrist to take away the pain I already had with this new pain. I cover my arms and legs so people don't see the hell that I'm going though. Being depressed is not ur chose it's an illness that is hard to get rid of. most of my depression comes from being bullied at school or sometimes at home. I block my feeling inside of me so nobody can see how broken up I truly am. I am hurt emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically and that stops me from having fun. I act like I'm ok that I'm happy and nothings wrong with me but something is. I fake a smile all the time so my family and friends don't see hoe broken up I am and sometimes I can't hep but 2 be sad in front of them. Every night I cry myself 2 sleep or I don't sleep at all I stay up thinking what it would be like if I wasn't born. It's not easy to get up everyday and push yourself up out of bed and go live it life. Sometimes I just wanna stay in my bed and not get up. I even take some pills that I shouldn't take or sometimes overdosed to see if I would die that day but I don't. People calling you emo, fat, slut, whore, worthless, crap, waste of space, etc. hurt a lot. I've been told so many times to go kill yourself that I shouldn't be alive. It's not funny or cool to say 2 people. Even people that don't know me tell me I should be in a mental hospital or in a school for special people. I've been cyber bullied all my life and I don't tell my parents and get bullied at school I just go and pretend I had a good day even though I didn't. It's hard loving a life with depression because u can never be fully healed. You still have some depression in you. Now cutting is a different story. It's helps me forget the old pain cuz when u cut its how much pain u want u can control it. I don't care what size the blade is as long as I can feel the pain that I want 2 feel it's all good. Sometimes I cut deep to see if I can hit my vein and I can die but I never do. Cutting is a way 2 show that I was strong enough not to kill myself. Being suicidal stops u from seeing who cares about u,all that u see is that nobody would care if your gone. I feel it alone all the time cuz seeing your friends plan 2 do stuff with each other and not think that it would be nice 2 have you go with them hurts. It like if they aren't your true friends like they hate you. it they just don't want 2 tell you cuz they would know you be all alone. Watching your friends say what they are planing 2 do like go to the movies or go 2 one of their houses and being ignored like your invisible hurts. It's like you have 2 fight 2 show them like hey guys I'm right here don't you care is hard 2 do. Knowing that your not good enough 2 invite or hang out with after school is like thinking your not important 2 them. You invite them 2 the mall, go see a movie, to hang out after school 2 show them that you worth having around. Even sometimes that doesn't work so I go home and cry cuz I'm not worth being with them that I'm just going 2 take up space. I think that my blades are my only true friends that won't ever leave me they will always be there for me when I'm sad. Suicide is forever and cutting is temporary but idc about the difference suicide is what I want. But even when I try I see who I'm hurting the one person that's been there for me stopping me 11 times when nobody else tries to help.