What If

I am Running. My feet hit the pavement. Steady thumps. I look at my feet and imagine the sounds. The music motivates me even though there’s a cramp in my side, my throats dry, and I’m tired. So tired. My  body wants nothing more than to stop. But I keep running anyway. Vivid memories flash through myhead. Your lips against mine. The taste of your mouth. The feel of your every touch. Your lips trailing kisses down my neck. Your hands caress my, NO. Stop it! Focus on Running! My chest aches. Don't focus on that. How long have I been running? Doesn't matter, i'm running to forget. I squeeze my eyes shut just for a moment. Squeeze the thoughts away. Wipe sweat from my forehead. Keep running butdon’t think. If I think or if I stop running they’ll catch up to me. I can’t face them, not now, not ever. Buthow long can I keep running?

 ***

We all have scars, some on the surface, some below. Either way they’re always there. That’s why they’re called scars, permanent reminders of our pain, mistakes, and life actions. We can’t run from them, cant hide, they aren’t going away. All of a sudden there’s a yank on my shoulder. I’m ripped back to reality to stare into the face of my best friend Penelope.

“What ARE u doing?? I thought we were going for a JOG not a full speed run, I stopped to tie my shoe and you just left me. Took me forever to catch up to you.” She says breathless.

I hear her but my ear buds are still in. The music is faint compared to the sound of my heart thudding in my chest. Every breath hurts, I want water, my throat is extremely dry. Her hand waves in front of my face, again snapping me back to reality.

 “Hellooo, Demi? Where is your brain??” I pull my ear buds out.

“Sorry Pen, I’m in another world again.” I manage a chuckle. My hearts not in it though and she knows. She’s smart. Nothing gets past her. She tilts her head sideways as she examines my face. She does this thing where she stares at you and its like she’s examining the deepest recesses of your soul. It seems as though she’s going to ask me if I’m ok yet again. Then I remember the the incident and him. Flashes of memories burned in my brain fight their way to the forefront. I can’t deal with that right now. I’m starting to feel again the numbness is wearing off. NO.

“Let’s jog back ok?”

“Wai..” she starts.

“Race Ya!!” I interrupt her and take off running again. And this time I run harder, faster and I don’t stop, I don’t think, I don’t feel I just run and maybe its selfish of me to leave Penelope behind but I’ve gone numb again so I don’t feel any regret I just feel free, and I indulge in that freedom.

 ***

I wake up at 6:15 am the next morning, I should’ve been up since 5:30 or at least six. Gives me enough time to get ready and be at school by 7:15. I want to sleep. Just sleep for a long time. I don’t mean die, I mean I just like the unconscious state of sleep the solemn time where I feel nothing except for when I have a bad dream and I’m tortured by it through the night. I hear a knock on my door.

“Demi I hope you’re almost ready. Breakfast is on the table and I don’t want you being late again.” My mom says through the closed door. I don’t respond. It’s like my lips are glued shut.

“Demi?!?” she opens the door and flips on the lights.

They’re so bright. My eyes hurt. All of a sudden I want to cry, just lay here cry and go back to sleep until the end of time. She’s mortified that I’m still in bed. I can’t bear to hear her yell and I am almost sure that’s what she’s about to do so I run to the bathroom and close the door. I don’t look in the mirror I just turn the water the hottest it can go, strip off all my clothes and step in the shower. I stand there for what seems like hours and let the water engulf me. It feels good as it burns my skin. Washing away everything on the surface. Drowning away everything bad. If only it were that easy. I stand there until the water goes cold, snapping me back to reality and then I turn of the water and continue getting ready. I don’t want to go to school, i'll proabably skip. I finish up getting ready and head downstairs.