She's So Extra (Kiligserye Book1) | ✅

Chapter 50

We sat in silence while I let that bit of information marinate in my head.

"So, how have you been?" Chuck asks at parang gusto ko syang batukan kasi hello? How have I been? After nya akong biglain na nag-resign na rin pala sya?

He must have seen the shock and confusion on my face.

He laughs.

Wala pa rin akong masabi so when he's done laughing, he says "I thought you knew."

Napaatras lang ako ng very light, "Bakit ko naman malalaman?"

He shrugs, "It's not like it's a secret."

I look at him offended, "I don't listen to other people's conversations." I think about that for a while then say "Well, not anymore."

He looks at me and gives me a small smile, "Understandable."

I look back at him and see na parang he's very calm, I mean I've seen him this way before bago yung mga nangyari sa amin, he was always very chill pero he looks extra chill today so I ask, "San ka lilipat?"

He gives a small smile, "Diyan diyan lang."

I smirk, "Talaga lang ha."

I cross my arms over my chest and look at the passenger window while saying, "It's fine if you don't want to tell me."

He sighs, "It's not like that."

And I realize what I said is true, kahit na it stings a little bit I feel like I've been slowly letting him go these past few weeks working up my courage to finally let myself accept the fact na malamang wala na talaga mangyayari sa amin.

I look back at him and rest my head on the seat, "I'm serious. It's fine if you don't want to tell me." He looks back at me a little sad and I say, "I'm fine."

He nods and looks back on the road and I know medyo creepy pero I just sat there and looked at him, bakit ba? I know I've been working on moving on from him pero it doesn't mean I can't appreciate him while I still can.

He's a bit scruffier now, parang ilang araw na syang hindi nag-shave but it suits him. At gaya nga ng observation ko kanina, he looks more relaxed, he looks like a weight is lifted off his shoulders. And I can't help but think that I caused that - that extra weight on his shoulders these past few weeks. I was not the main reason why his life was more difficult but I acted in a way where it didn't help the situation.

He looks at me and smirks, "What?"

I sit up and angle my body towards him, so he'll know I'm sincere in saying it, I look at him and say "I'm sorry."

He doesn't say anything so I continue, "I know sabi ko sayo kanina that I've apologized before but now I realize that I haven't really properly apologized for my hand in what happened."

He puts his hand up and tries to interrupt but I say, "Please. Just let me say what I need to say and just please. Just listen."

He puts his hand back in the steering wheel and I yelped when he made a very, very sharp turn to the right. I look around and see that it was a parking lot, he parks the car and he turns the lights off but doesn't turn the engine off.

He removes his seatbelt and faces me.

I must look like a deer in the headlights but he just says, "I think what you need to say requires my full attention so here we are."

I look at his handsome face and the emotions come rushing in, I lose my guts and close my eyes before saying, "I loved you." My voice cracked and I had to repeat it, correcting myself knowing I lied on that first sentence; I look up at him and say "I love you so damn much."

Bago ko ma-process yung ginagawa ko, I clutch my chest and heave a breath of relief, "Ang sakit sa puso, grabe. Pero alam mo yun, masakit pero I feel better just saying it."

And I couldn't stop the tears from falling even if I wanted to. Parang yung mga salitang yun yung buhos ng ulan na nag-wasak sa dam na kinalalagyan ng lahat ng emotions ko.

I'm full on crying now but I want to tell him exactly how I feel so I can move on without regrets so I try to rein in the bursting emotions and I try to calm my racing heart. I take a deep breath and focus on the wall in front of me instead of his face.

I sigh and try again, "Have you always had that situation where you've always thought about what you wanted to say to a certain person? Yung talagang naka-script na yung gusto mong sabihin at paulit-ulit mo syang ni-re-rehearse sa utak mo so it would be perfect once you finally get to say it?"

I look at the ceiling and with a sad laugh say, "This is not one of those moments."

I wipe a tear from my cheek and say, "I've always known what I wanted to say to you. Pina-practice ko paulit ulit sa utak ko, but now I'm failing miserably."

There's a soft touch on my hand and I look up to him, he's firm in saying, "Just say what you want to say, I'll listen. Like I said I would."

He lets go of my hand and gives me a small smile, "Kahit na gaano pa kagulo yan. Don't edit."

I roll my eyes and playfully say, "Ayan, ganyan. Kaya ako nainlove sayo eh. Ganyan ka."

I don't look at him again dahil baka hindi ako makapagsalita ulit so I just continue, "Anyway, I think everyone has destructive tendencies, mas malala lang siguro yung sa akin. I think I've always equated love with misery, alam mo yun? Parang if I don't work hard for something then maybe I don't deserve it. Na kapag hindi ako nagsakripisyo or nasaktan baka hindi ako deserving sa kung ano mang magandang dumating sa buhay ko."

I take a deep breath and let my emotions run through me freely, "I've always had my heart broken sa mga past relationships ko, siguro ako yung tipo ng tao na hindi nagtitira ng pagmamahal sa sarili. Ako rin siguro yung tipo ng tao na kailangan masaktan ng sobra bago matauhan." I shrug, "That's what those relationships have taught me, na love equates to suffering and I've always believed it to be true."

I look at him and say with all the honesty I can muster, "Then you came along. You taught me differently."

I look away again dahil wala akong lakas ng loob para tingnan sya sa mata habang sinasabi ko ang laman ng puso ko, "You gave the kind of love that lifted me up and not put me down, the kind of love that didn't have a price I've always thought was needed to paid. It was the kind of love that lasts, even if the relationship dies."

I sigh, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that, first I'm sorry for not even trying in the relationship; of thinking the worst of us, of you. I think in the back of my mind we were doomed to fail because I've always felt like I never deserved you. It was too good to be true."

I look at him and say, "Second, I'm sorry for not choosing you over everything else, for not putting you first. Because you deserve nothing less than that and at the time I was just too stupid to see it."

After a few minutes of silence I look at him, he's looking at me contemplatively and he finally says, "So, is that it?"

I give him a confused look, "What do you mean?"

"That's all you want to say to me?" He asks.

His face is soft, hindi naman galit pero I can still feel the sting of his words, like he gave me a chance to say something and now that I'm done, he's done na rin. What did I want to get out of this? Closure? Or another chance? I'm not sure.

I just nodded and he put his seatbelt on and started backing out of the parking lot.

I looked outside the passenger side window biting my lip so my tears won't start falling again.

We drove away and before I knew it he was stopping the car sa tapat ng bahay namin. Parang sinisilaban ang pwet ko sa bilis kong kumilos, dahil bago pa maka-stop ng tuluyan ang kotse nya I had my seatbelt off and I'm already reaching for the door.

I pushed at the lock and it gave pero bago ko mabuksan ang pinto biglang nag-lock ulit.

I looked at him now and he was looking at me then he says, "You had your chance to talk. Now it's my turn."