Hear My Truth

Introduction

      Lets get the introduction over with, shall we? My (birth) name is Maria Lopez Agustin. I am adopted from Guatemala. I am one of the lucky children who got saved from that horrifying country. I love Guatemala, but I most likely would be dead if I wasn't adopted into this loving family. I have a mom, and dad, and two older sisters in my adopted family. I have a mom, an anonymous father, and five older brothers in my biological family. I have two family's. Cool, right? Sure. I happen to struggle with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD),  Social Anxiety, and Unspecified Trauma, which has taken over my life, but it's not who I am. I will not let it define me. Having depression is a blessing and a curse. Yes... I said a blessing. Here's why; you learn so much about yourself that you didn't know before; you gain insight and learn skills I think every human should learn; mentally, you become more mature and can understand others much better; and you can teach the world what you know. Besides, I don't wanna be negative forever, I wanna see the glass half full not half empty.

      Growing up, I was always different. I had trouble making and keeping friends. I also always wanted my mom. If she went somewhere, I went too. Like, If she went to the bathroom I'd be right  behind her following her. I was afraid to be separated from her. I constantly fought with other kids or I would get jealous over someone being happy if I wasn't. All early signs of RAD. I was like... four, but it just seemed like regular kid behavior. Only, we didn't know it was different until I was thirteen. 

      It got worse as I got older. Constant fights with family and friends. I began crying. A lot. I just seemed really sad and in  an unhealthy way. It wasn't just a little blip of sadness, it was hours, or days, even weeks of sadness. I began pushing my family away before they could push me away. I did that with peers too. I just became so angry and sad. I almost stopped feeling happiness completely. Maybe once or twice a month I felt truly happy and I was only nine. I felt trapped inside a cage that wouldn't allow me to be happy or even slightly smile. I started to cut myself on the wrist and upper thigh. I began having these dark thoughts about death and I didn't know what they were until I learned what suicidal thoughts were. Then, I recognized that that is what I was experiencing. 

      Looking back at it now, it truly breaks my heart that I was so young and had to deal with the excruciating pain of depression. It's so sad that young children face the symptoms and deal with the struggle. Every step of this journey, I am sharing so people know, it does not mean anyone is crazy or a psychopath if they face depression. Now, I'm ready for the world to hear my truth.