Hear My Truth

Chapter One

Adjective: Helpless; unable to defend oneself or to act without help.

     It sucks when I go on a date with an amazing guy who doesn't go to my school, but knows people from it. Here's why; we go on one date and then he tells people about me and ends up hearing all the shitty rumors about me. I knew he'd hear rumors and never wanna talk to me again, and that's his decision. I know the truth. Just like everybody else, they hear the rumors about me and immediately drop me. I guess I'm used to it. Unfortunately. It's his choice if he wants to believe those stupid rumors about me and never want to talk to me again, but he should just know, I am not what people say I am. I am human. Just like them. I'm not perfect, I won't deny. My reputation's on the line, so I'm working on a better me. I am not crazy nor am I a whore or a slut. I am Ava Krukowski. A human just like them. I love music. I love to sing. I love to write and read. I love history and I love learning. I love archery and baseball and football. I love myself. That is who I really am. 

     But, what does that matter? The only thing people see are the labels others give me. What I really am inside, doesn't matter anymore. No matter how hard I try to persuade others that I'm not what they say, they don't listen. They see right through me and only see the broken parts of me or the mistakes I've made. It takes a long time to build up a good reputation, but it takes one mistake to break it all. I made one mistake. It wasn't even a mistake. It was the way I was born. It was my genes. I was diagnosed with depression. I went to inpatient after trying to commit suicide. That was my so called "mistake". But, what pushed me that far?

     Since first grade I was bullied for being me. For loving reading and writing. For having glasses.  It got worse in sixth grade. They would say I was ugly. They would tell me I was too skinny or I wasn't good enough. 

"You're not pretty enough" 

I know, but do you have to remind me?

"You're too skinny, it's disgusting."

If only you knew I starve myself because you used to call me fat, and now I'm too skinny?

"You're crazy."

I'm not crazy. I'm human. I'm sad. I'm broken. I'm suicidal. I cut my wrists into shreds, but I am not crazy.

"You're a whore."

I'm really not. I wear tight clothes, but I'm not a whore. 

"You're stupid."

But I get A's and B's.

     All of this just was bottled up until I couldn't hold it in anymore. Seventh grade was the worse. It was May of 2018. I attempted suicide for the fifth time, but this time, I almost succeeded. How did I survive? My mother saved me. I was thirteen. I was sent to Aurora Psychiatric Hospital in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. I lived in Milwaukee county. I stayed for a total of three days. I thought I was fine. I wasn't. I made some really amazing friends there. Inpatient wasn't fun. I didn't know how much worse I'd get. To be thirteen and have attempted suicide five times already, is really difficult. The first time I attempted, I was twelve. The friends I made in inpatient, I still have to this day. 

      Inside, I was being ripped apart. Inside, I was being stabbed over and over again. None of it was fair. I believed I deserved it. I believed I deserved to suffer. But, for what? For being alive? For walking? For being born? For feeling sad? I didn't know why I believed that. I still don't know why.