Well im not the best at writing / typing . I guess that this is about me for the most part of idk me or whatever I am.
Hi my name is Ryan and people really don't have the main character named Ryan because the name Ryan is the side character in the story , a person that is just an acquaintance. for what that is , is what ive felt for years , a percentage of my life . Still a part of my life that still lives in two different ways that I still don't understand. My brain doesn't work like others not saying im completely retarded but for the most part I am everyone thinks im a genius dealing with the less but that is so not true I just know little about things then people think I know so much more , but I can close my eyes and relive a memory , delete a memory , cannot change it but still that means it still lives the same. I can go into my room anywhere I want its confusing even to me but all I need to do is close my eyes ( im not autistic if that's what your thinking ) and absorb myself , then everything just goes slow around me like a second is going at the speed of just .1 of a second. I like weird stuff Steven king stuff it makes me feel like my feelings are nothing like no pain that I feel is nothing to what they are going through because they are feeling it physically but in my mind the mental part of the mind is more painful .
In my past I lived in a cave anytime I left my cave that I called my room was for school. when I was little my parents only let me leave if only I was being assisted because I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself I didn't know anything. when I moved to live with my dad I started to do things on my own then my mother says that she taught all of these things. even when it took so much of myself to make myself compatible to the world. I know its not much but i did it myself i cannot allow myself that I needed help with something that i needed to do for myself that meant so much to me that if I needed help.
I used to not hear lyrics , lyrics meant nothing to me because I didn't feel anything like my head was filled with nothing for myself. My brain was just filled with just facts of what I know nothing for my mental self like no character in someone. But something happened , someone happened and now I hear myself without my thoughts. Now I know what i felt before wasn't happiness or the key to success in life because it was nothing I had. And when i listen to music i feel something in my head , my chest , my body im not talking about dancing because that'll never happen ( trust me) but it feels like something and its good. btw now i listen to "top"
Now what I feel today is im not alone I have someone so now I can be happy , I feel happy , I can do stuff now and have a smile. I can smile and its fucking amazing I used to do nothing with myself. trapped with myself nothing going forward to nothing to accomplish with a history of no accomplishments with no creativity and with nothing to do day after day and it happened AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ! with my brain rotting and it feels like in buried underground in a coffin where i never die , don't starve , all i can do is shake up and down with my head banging against the coffin that doesn't open , feel sweat drip and nothing changes and scream with no one hearing me because im so far under ground with no one around. That doesn't sound bad but its the only thing that i can compare it to , the scary thing isn't that you are underground its that it never ends with the feeling that you don't die it just continues and every time you shake and scream you just make yourself crazier. you remember every corner every pattern of what you see on the inside of your coffin. And every time your done shaking your still there anytime you wake up your there again . All you can do is hurt yourself no matter how many times you break your fingers. the coffin never damages no matter how much you hit or shake , nothing opens it there's too much suff on top holding you down inside with yourself. "All can I do is sit in silence" ( car radio).
This is making me feel weird idk how to put it but just typing that is making feel anxious i need to take a quick break.
im going to try and attempt and write like a really metaphoric paragraph its probably not going to make any sense but ill explain after im done.
You wouldn't understand but I was kept in a coffin for years with "dirt" "put on top of me "holding" me down from what I couldn't escape. With the thought that I would be "dug up and be put aside" with no dirt on top of me with no worries because it would all be left behind. Linda you opened that door so I can step right out without being dug up and being up aside. Now I dont shake in a box with no one around but only the people that are dirt. Im not screaming anymore because you hear me I can leave the dirt behind. But without this im shaking in a coffin slamming my head against the door again and again day after day with all that dirt right back on top of me. Im heard and listened to im not screaming anymore.
um alright im bad at writing so i should explain what that means "dirt" = stress and people and its being put on top of me/ the coffin ( you cannot open the door on the inside of a coffin if stuff is holding it closed) "dug up and up aside" im not explaining that , no one can hear you underground and buried
so that's the end of this thing i dont know what else to conclude into this writing thing im goijng to bed but first i need to find out how to give this to you idk how.
