Wednesday, July 23
I can't believe myself.
How could I let it happen?
What's wrong with me?
How could I let it get to me?
I let myself go.
Again.
That's all that's running through my mind as I let the tears stream down my face.
All i've ever wanted is the feel wanted...
"Loved" I say to myself finally letting it all out.
Everything that i've been holding back in my mind. Just trying my best not to accept it with all that I have. I let it all out.
When I finally pulled myself together enough to go out in public I went to go rinse my face. You don't know how good it felt to suddenly have the icy cold water make contact with my face. I checked in the mirror to see how I looked and I was a mess. With red eyes, still visible tear streaks, and my hair all over the place the water did nothing. So I kept going at it. I rubbed my eyes until they hurt and scrubbed my face until my hands got tired but my hair stayed the same. I personally didn't care.
After looking better and feeling sorta better I left the bathroom. I decided to cheer myself up with the only thing that really made me happy.
Music.
I scurried onto my computer in hopes of feeling better. Little did I know the complete opposite would happen.
I decided to blast a song into my headphones that would cheer me up. Under Control by Ellie Goulding.
I feel like i'm dreaming again
I feel like i'm seeing again
I feel like i'm dreaming again
I got it under control
Nothing.
That wasn't it. It wasn't the song I needed right now. It wasn't the one that would help me express what I was feeling right now. I wasn't done.
I changed the song to Figure 8 by Ellie Goulding.
I chase your love around a figure 8
I need you more than I can take
You promise forever and a day
And then you take it all away
I let whatever feeling was left in me escape until I was filled with nothing. I knew for sure that I was done now. I was fed up with the tears and knew they had to be no more. So I stopped. I was done with being sad and wanted the happiness back in my life so I listened to the other song again. The feeling was back. And boy did it feel good.
I have no idea how to explain this in a way others can understand but music is my escape. Its like how people use books or theater as there escape from this cursed real world we're forced to live in. It filles me with the same feeling the artist is going through when I don't have the willpower to make the feeling for myself. I know its sad to think that I have to depend on music so much but if its the only way to make it through then why not?
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Later that day I realized I wasn't the only one going through a life crisis today. My best friend, Nicole just texted me that her other best friend Andrew just ended there friendship because of something she said that bothered him. She's crying now.
N: He talked to me
Me: What did he say?
N: He ended it. It's over. It hurts so much.
N: Can I call you i'm done crying.
Me: Yea. I'm always here.
We skyped each other for a while. And I tried my best to help her. She kept saying it was all her fault and that she was so stupid.
I never liked hearing those things. Especially coming from my best friend.
But when this king of stuff happened I really didn't know what to do. So I just denied all of the negative things and kept quiet the rest of the time while she ranted. It killed me. I couldn't stand having my friend feel this way and right in front of my face while I did nothing. But sometimes you can't really do much except let them pour there feelings out. I mean its better than keeping them locked in.
Funny thing is I tell others that rule all the time but I don't abide to it myself.
So to the right is my favorite song of all time. Ellie Goulding is Life and no one can tell me otherwise. Anyway thanks so much for reading. You have no idea how much it means to me.
-???
