I don't want to live. There is absolutely no point in it. No matter what I do, my parents will never be proud of me. I know that this is a shitty reason. It sounds shitty. It sounds like I'm over-exaggerating. It sounds like I don't understand.
But the thing is, I do understand. My parents want the worst for me, But, I am a selfish and discontent human being. I want something to go my way. I'm not right. There's something wrong with me. That's probably just me trying to get attention.
Ahahahahaha funny, right?
I want to die. I want to die. I hate myself. I don't even want to talk to myself, don't want to address myself, I don't want to be me.
Existence is meaningless anyway. We don't have any purpose, and any purpose is flawed and man-made. Why do we even try to pretend like we matter? I want to fucking rip myself apart. I want to swallow bleach. I want it to be painful. I want everything to kill me. I want to die.
Maybe my death could serve an earthly purpose. Maybe I could save my sister from my parents' brashness. Mom and Dad would realize that they have been way too harsh. Then they would stop and really appreciate me and my sister. Maybe my sister would stop being as depressed if Mom and Dad showed more love to her.
I really love it when people say "don't kill yourself; you've got your whole life ahead of you". That's half of the reason I want to die! I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am wasting away and I don't like it!
I don't want to do anything with my life. "Whole life ahead of me" my ass! I don't want my life! I want to die! My only desire is to die! Why does no one understand this? Is this that difficult?
I hope I am murdered by a fucking sadist. I hope I am in pain and everyone sees it and laughs. I am beneath worthless. I want to die. I don't want to live. I'm too much of a coward to live my life. I am a fucking coward.
I am a liar. My mom always says, "If your word is no good, then you are no good." I was never any good. I was never anything to anyone.
When I die, no one will really care, and don't you dare say that 'you care' or some other bullshit along the same lines. You would never know if I were to live or die. No one ever cares about you in life when they can do something about it. They only care when death is mentioned. No one cares. Whether I live or die, it will make no real difference in your life.
I am going to end my 'existence'. I want to die. Kill me. I want to die. Stop! Just everything. God, everything has gone to shit. There is no "light at the end of the tunnel". Maybe committing suicide is the real road to enlightment.
Maybe my "life" will mean something when I'm enlightened; but, until I get enough courage to do the right thing for everyone, I will be pretending like my existence has meaning and making everyone miserable, living in this perpetual cowardice as I slowly torture myself in this life.
