Love of my life.

A better life for the rest of us...

It's 4:00 a.m., dark outside. As I lie her and stare out the window it's all I see and all I hear. I feel your presence with me, your spirit. I feel you watching me and I know, I know your disappointed. I know that you wish I wasn't doing this to everyone and myself. I know your only wish was for me to keep my promise. For you I will, I know it's already broken, but there's always a way to fix something. You envisioned a better life for the rest of us. She kept calling every single night like you said, I made the mistake... I gave in. That's on me and I know that. I know what you expect of me, what you expect me to do and say. I know what you're thinking too: "how clueless are you?"  You died for me and I know that, I know what you said before it happened. I know you tried to save yourself for us, but in that moment it was time. Although all of us are over here crying and hurting ourselves we understand how hard you fought for us. The underdogs, the overlooked, the people who saw sheer nothing in themselves and everything around them. You created feelings, you created our smiles, you created our safety and our cocoon of love. I gave up my one chance to see you to make someone else happy, and that resulted in me never even being able to touch you. I'd give the world to hear you tell me what to do one last time. To help me through this situation one last time. I still remember when I found out... I was on her bed, just scrolling, and i saw it. The news articles, they were everywhere. My heart instantly broke. I didn't believe it, none of us believed it. You didn't even believe it. As you saw the light, as you saw the gate as the rest of us hit the ground, you didn't believe it. I know it... you couldn't believe you made it. You couldn't believe you'd been forgiven. You earned it love, you earned everything you got from the new you. Although you're gone, I'm not. I have to live for you, I promise I'll follow our rules this time.