-Rarely Beautiful-
To all the girls out there that don't think they are enough. Hopefully this will help you to know you are not alone.
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By this time she wasn't even counting any more. She just kept on going until she was too tired to move on further. What was she doing exactly? Sit-ups. Why? Because she thought that, that was what she could do in the least, to help rid the world of her ugliness. Not that in reality she was this ugly human, or that her attitude was ugly, just that she thought that she herself was ugly.
But she would show her true beauty if she was really into something. They were these rare moments. Like when an artist had a spark of inspiration, or when a writer gets an idea from staring at a bookshelf. Most people get that moment when they are doing the thing they like most. But she doesn't have really anything that she enjoyed. Very little things make her happy.
Shopping per say, right when someone starts looking for clothes for her, her attitude changes, from calm and easy, to I-don't-don't-give-a-eff, or she just becomes grumpy, and suddenly wants to go home. It wasn't the stores that they went to, or the people in the stores, she just hated that feeling of not being able to look good in something that she wanted to look good in.
So when she is really into something, to the point where she forgets that she can't fit into this, or that she doesn't look good in that, her true beauty shows. Beauty that she really always has but never really shows. So on those rare times when, her confidence, bold, bubbly self show through, she makes the room go silent, hushes would be heard, people would want just to see a glimpse of her in action. She wanted to feel like that more often, she really did, but her self-confidence was what was holding her back from her true self.
Her "outbursts of creativity or enthusiasm" as some would call it, as almost as rare as like seeing a butterfly land on your window. You admire its beauty, in awe as some beautiful creature could be made, but then when you stare at it for too long, its gone. She always knew that her doing sit-ups were only a mere dent in her outer shell that she hid in when she was faced with a big crowd or even just at the grocery store. Her appearance to her, was a jagged edge that she couldn't smooth out.
Sit-ups, squats, pushups. Were he methods of self harm. Why? Because she would work herself to the point that it hurt to move, and was numb the next day. You think that doing that exercise would help her cause, but NO. It did the exact opposite actually. "You work a little at a time" her teachers would say. But she wanted to look better in an instant. So she would work herself to exhaustion, be numb the next morning, just so at night she would do it again.
She would listen to her crappy playlist, on her phone. It was her full song collection actually. She would constantly change the tune when she thought it was too slow for her exercise. Constantly thinking of what she would do if she looked like that one girl in her class, or if that one guy liked her back as much as she did to him. All these fantasies she would call them, building up, day after day, waiting for that moment when she would just burst out with this energy and anger, all at once. Happiness, relief, anger, all those emotions into one body just waiting to burst open to the world.
When these moments would happen, she would be without a care in the world but to just tell the other humans, who were listening, that one thing that has been on her mind for the past week. Even her facial expression changed from pursed lips that always formed a thin line to a small smile of relief. From furrowed eyebrows to a much needed relaxation state. She looked happy. These were the times when she released herself form her cage. Her cage of not being enough. Pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough; all the enoughs that you can think of, she didn't give a cat's but about any of them.
Though in reality she was just this unique person that no one will be able to take away. Someone needed to talk to her, to tell her that she is pretty, she is smart, and she is this amazing person that IS enough. But no one will take the time too. No one is patient enough to try and break the shell enough to tell her that she is this amazing person. If only someone would get to know her and talk to her. But no one did.
She was her and even she, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't even change that, with those rare, beautiful, moments where she, the real girl showed through, you could only see a glimpse of her rare beauty..
