March 3rd, 2014
I kept my head down as I grabbed a tray from the pile and joined the lunch queue. My dark brown hair fell over my face but I made no effort to push it out of my eyes. Maybe today, they wouldn't notice me. Maybe just once they'd leave me alone.
I hastily put a few things onto my plate from the salad bar and turned to leave the dining hall. I probably wouldn't eat any of it. I wasn't hungry. I was never hungry at school.
I reached a tree in a corner of the school field where no one would see me if I sat behind it. I sat with my back to the tree and my legs against my chest, the small amount of food on my plate untouched. I put my headphones in, put some Bring Me The Horizon on and allowed myself a small smile. They hadn't noticed me. Surely if they had, they'd have followed me by now.
'And what do you think you're doing, missy?' my heart sank and fear stabbed at my chest. I raised my head.
There were four of them. Three girls, one boy, I think he was the boyfriend of one of them. They were a year above me, in year 11, which meant that they'd be leaving in a few months and maybe I'd get left alone. But probably not. There was always someone willing to pick on me.
'She thinks we didn't see her leave,' said one of the girls, a blonde with false eyelashes and eyebrows that looked like they'd been felt-tipped on by a three year old. She giggled and smiled such a fake smile that I felt sick. 'We saw you leave. Guess it's not your lucky day, is it?'
I sighed. It never was.
'Well,' said the brunette one. She grabbed my hair and pulled me upright. My headphones fell out of my ears and swung over my chest. 'We'll start with- let me see your arms.'
I pulled my arm out of her grip defensively. She slapped me and I stumbled backwards, into the boy. He pushed me away roughly and I fell onto the grass.
The third girl grabbed my arm and peered at my wrist. I saw something flicker across her overly made-up eyes – shock, disgust, and was that pity? No. She hated me. They all hated me.
'What happened here?' said the blonde, touching my scars with sweaty fingers. I shivered. 'I said, what happened here?' she repeated, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her. 'Answer me!'
'I... I cut myself,' I mumbled inaudibly.
'What?'
'I cut myself,' I said louder, my cheek still stinging.
'Why?'
'I don't know.'
'Well that was a bit stupid, wasn't it? Maybe she thought that if she was already injured then we'd leave her alone.'
The third girl snorted. 'Thought wrong then, didn't she?' She pulled my hair again, so hard a strand came out. I screamed in pain, feeling the blood well up on my scalp. The girl dropped my hair and wiped her hand on her jeans before kicking me hard in the ribs. 'Shut up! We don't want any teachers coming over. That would ruin our fun, wouldn't it?'
The other girls nodded in agreement.
And so it went on.
I walked home after school that day, scalp on fire and ribs throbbing. I tried to hurry as best I could, because I wanted to spend some time with my brother before our parents came home and started their relentless arguing. My time with Patty was the highlight of my day. He was my best friend.
'Rose?' his cheerful voice called out as I let myself in. I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the dim light of the hallway, and I walked through to the kitchen to find him. He was sat on one of the high kitchen stools, his hands clasped around a mug of tea. His smile faded to a frown as he saw me.
'What's happened? Are you okay?'
'It's nothing,' I muttered, shuffling towards the stool next to him. He stood up.
'It doesn't look like nothing,' he said, brushing my hair back. I winced. 'Oh my god, it's bleeding! Right, I'm going to get a cold cloth to put on it and you're going to tell me what's happened.'
So hesitantly I told him while he gently cleaned the blood from my head. 'They kicked me in the ribs too, and slapped me.'
Patty's face was white with rage. 'That's it,' he said. 'I'm coming with you to school tomorrow and speaking to the head. I knew there were people who picked on you but this is out of order.'
'No, Patty, please don't,' I pleaded. 'That'll just make it worse.'
He pursed his lips. 'Well I have to do something, I can't just sit by and watch my sister get bullied like this.'
I suddenly felt very tired of it all. 'You know what, do what you want. I don't really care. I'm going to go upstairs, Mum and Dad'll be home soon.'
I had just reached the door when Patty spoke. 'Rose. Come here.'
I turned around and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. I put my head against his chest and breathed in his familiar smell. 'I love you,' he said. 'It'll be okay, I promise.'
I sighed. 'I love you too.'
I went upstairs to my room and sat on my bed, looking around. It was a fairly small room, with pale blue walls which you couldn't see much of, as band posters covered most of the paint. I reached under my bed and drew out a pocket knife. I flipped open the blade. Sweat made the handle slippery in my hands as I clutched it tightly, tears forming in my eyes. I was so selfish. Patty needed me, he had a hard time too with our parents, and yet all we seemed to talk about was me. My problems. I winced as the knife cut into my forearm, blood welling around the blade.
Everyone at school was right. I was worthless. No one needed me in their lives, even Patty, who I just made sad because he couldn't do anything about my depression. He had other friends. If I died, he'd get over it.
I wiped the pocket knife on my jeans and put it under my bed again. Then I rubbed my face with my sleeve angrily, making my eyes and sore. I curled up into a ball on top of my duvet and eventually fell asleep.
When I woke, my eyes were red and puffy and there was a bloodstain on the sheet.
