A warm, soft light snuck into my dull sombre room through the small gaps in my shutter blinds unaware that someone was watching them, me. For no valid reason i spent the whole night awake with not even a second of sleep and my reward was seeing this event of dawn on my floor and walls in rectangular sections and also the pain and aches that took over my already barley able body. Naturally i wasn't in a good mood being in such a state with a splitting headache and aching muscles and random parts of my body taken by the sensation of pins and needles and the disgusting feeling on my body from laying in a cold sweat all night, all the bad rewards went on and on as if the good to bad ratio was one to a million unfortunately for me. Of course i didn't want to move since even the thought of it made me groan and think bitterly at the action for if i could i would never leave the unholy sanctuary of my bed and sheets, i didn't have the will to anymore since i knew as soon as i did leave everything could only get worse and worse but i had school today so i had no choice will or no will. So with the already sour mood of my poor choices i forced my aching bones up from its cosy coffin and got out of bed.
Being as early as it was no one else in the house was awake yet so the bathroom was completely free which was lucky so i grabbed my brush, towel and uniform and crept into the bathroom. like always i double checked the door was locked and turned the shower on to let the water heat up as i undressed and avoided looking into the mirror and stepped in the shower once i was ready. I let the warm water cascade down my pale flesh heating up my cold and stiff body giving a sort of calm a shower can only bring as i exhaled deeply at the feeling and grabbed the soap, apple and cinnamon. The soap stung my arms but i just carried on anyway and let the water wash off the soap as i then washed my hair and face but once i was done i didn't get out, i didn't want to move and the water felt good and relaxing but my legs started to ache so all i did was just sit down and let the water fall down upon me and do its best to soothe me in the limited way it could. As always in these sort of unimportant and calm moments i felt my self go into this sort of half conscience state letting time pass but without any true realisation until something snapped me out of it and made me panic on how much time had passed and caused me to get out of the shower in a hurried fashion and got ready. My hair was still a tad damp but i didn't have the ability to really care and so i just went to the sink and brushed my teeth that i'd grown to hate the look of as i did with the rest of my unsightly appearance. The last part of my uniform left to put on was my ugly stripped tie that was for some reason a requirement to wear and so reluctantly i went to the mirror and popped up my collar to put the tie around my neck and tied it securely around my neck to make sure it didn't have a chance to come loose, if only they were longer maybe then i could use it to..... my eyes wondered up at my face as i took a look at the breathing corpse that stared back, my pale skin with new imperfection as always, my scar on my cheek that mislead others on thinking it was a dimple and my commonly dull brown eyes that i hated since i'd always wanted green eyes because of my love for the colour and how amazing they look on a person but i guess i get the colour thats based on the type of person i am - shit.
No one in the house was still up yet because it was still decently early and so i quietly crept downstairs with my school bag that i made sure all i needed for the day was in and i went to the kitchen to make my lunch or should i say feast. As always i made a good number of sandwiches and then proceeded to shove chocolate biscuits and sweets in my bag as well as a large flask of piping hot coffee too keep me going until i get home from school. once happy i had enough food to feed multiple families in my bag i put it by the door and went to take my dog on his morning walk that lasted about fifteen minutes before i came back with him and gave him fresh food and water. Still there was no movement in the house apart from my own so i washed my hands and then turned on the tv but put the volume low and i made a giant bowl of cereal and sat down and ate it as i watched some recordings and made another large bowl when i emptied the first one into the endless pit inside myself. Soon enough the house started to wake and the time for me to leave was approaching as well so i let the daze around me of the of the others getting ready go on as i kept my eye on the time until i finally left for the morning hike to school which always left me tired and brought pain to bad postured back.
Bitter and raw morning air chilled my lungs as i took a deep breath while i began the tedious walk to school as i tried my best to just not look around and catch the eye of any possible stranger that may find themselves crossing paths with mine and may want to have a conversation but i'm the kind of person who's far too awkward to talk to strangers so iv'e grown to use the tactic of looking straight on and slightly down then you will never get eye contact and so nor will you be forced to engage in a cringe fuelled hello, unfortunately it means i miss out on seeing the world and most things around me but i no longer seem to ever care as i just put in my earphones and play my music loud in my ears so one i stay wide awake and two is that the loud sounds help stop me from thinking anything at all and keep an empty mind. Its hard for me to think lately because no matter what i start off thinking my head will always find the darkest and most off putting route it can find to make sure i feel like a piece of shit or cringe hardly at my past actions or even on some occasions make me think on how good i could of been if only i tried more or lied more, just pretend to be a better person, just anyone else who wasn't just a worthless sack of...
BEEP
My heart jumped into my throat as i forced my body back to avoid the car speeding passed me with its horn blaring and metallic frame shooting by, it would of hit me if i carried on, i would of been dead. Shit. one of my unfortunate tenancies is to sort of black out but at the same time not, i'll still be walking and all that and seeing where i'm going but i'm not really there at all, off in the clouds but my head is blank as i focus on nothing and so the amount of times cars have almost hit me and have hit me but at slower speeds is quite high at this point but this some times is good because it means time goes by without me really realising it at all so before i know it i walk in to school through its large and old metal gates that fenced off the entirety of the school like the prison of damned and mental cannibals. As always i follow my routine of waiting in the same spot for my "friends" to arrive so i don't look so lonesome and an easy picking to the wolves but while i wait my phone is always a good distraction of the paranoia i get from the wondering eye of the sinners that walk by in these early hours. My face contained a cold and unwelcoming look to warn off any one with fight as i look unapproachable as if i'd beat you if you came to close and it works for no one comes near, good trick in places like these is if your confinements if full of predators become an apex one however i am not one just meek imitation that works at first glance, a cunning deception that works well for a con artist like myself. In recent months I'd grown more and more attached to my phone and for good reason since it was the only thing that I could confine in anymore, it helps me through so many things no one else even had a clue about, after all I am meant to be the good and happy kid that's never sad.
Soon enough my friends arrive and without a single thought my second nature kicks in as I mentally put on my well designed mask and smile widely as they came over and said hi. It hurt so much. Now for my routine to begin as I say my hellos and how are you's to then being telling jokes and stories and make them all feel good and happy while I smile and force myself to laugh as I feel so hollow and empty inside, that pit in my stomach almost hurt as I try not to cry from how I feel but I'm not important to say to them I'm not doing so well. Their happiness is more important then how I feel. I'm the strong friend they can always rely on, the friend that never weighs them down with problems, the one who's there to make them happy and laugh. I have to do this for them, be this person I'm not because if they ever see me with out that mask on, who I really am, they would hate me and leave me alone to die in a ditch like everyone has. Last time I told anyone anything I was told that my problems are nothing, that I'm just a kid and I don't have the right to feel sad. If that was so then why can't I stop feeling like I'd be better off dead?
