hmmmmmm

good luck

"hey," he says, soft and shapeless, ink blots that were never meant to be anything at all, "they don't have to understand. you don't have to explain yourself"

jotaro thunks his head down on kakyoin's shoulder in a way that isn't allowed when other people can see. "it isn't fair to her," he says.

"she wants to marry you," says kakyoin.

"she wants to marry the person she hopes I'll turn out to be," says jotaro. "she wants kids."

"do you want kids?"

jotaro buries his face in the warm fabric of kakyoin's uniform. "I shouldn't. my kids will be like me."

"he's gone," says kakyoin. "it's not dangerous for them. they can live in a world of power." he's never quite outgrown his bloodlust. jotaro loves him for it and then wonders what that love says about them.

"I want to marry you," he says.

"I want to marry you too," says kakyoin, "but I want to marry someone else as well."

"that's fair," jotaro says.

"fuck fair," says kakyoin. "I want you to be happy."

jotaro smiles into kakyoin's shoulder. "when I'm with you I'm closer to it."

she is soft and touchable and her skin is like the warm milk and lavender that his mother used to make for him, and she is quiet, and her hair is dark, and her mouth is small and pale, and she is safe, and when he is with her, jotaro can believe in a life that was never going to be true for him. he is in love with what she represents, and he is in love with her, and it scares him very gently.

kakyoin is more tangible. he and jotaro share the same world, and when there is no gap to bridge, jotaro fears that there will be no breathing room, but though kakyoin is intense and powerful, he lives his own life and lets jotaro do the same. kakyoin reads books with his fingers and forgets to change the light bulbs and he only ever kisses jotaro when jotaro kisses him first, not so much patient as particular. kakyoin smiles when he hears jotaro's fiancée singing in the kitchen.

"do you want to marry her?" jotaro asks.

"not particularly," kakyoin says, "but I wouldn't be opposed to it, per se."

jotaro forgets that kakyoin's love of women is purely aesthetic in nature. kakyoin told him so, the night before his eyes were put out, like a confession as they lay naked in bed together. jotaro remembers what it was to be a teenager, full of youth and adventure, and he remembers what it was to love a man sexually, and he puts both behind him.

"I love you very much," jotaro tells kakyoin, because he is thinking of it.

kakyoin's arm embraces jotaro. "I love you as well, jotaro."

"do you love rohan?"

the train interrupts them, brakes screeching. kakyoin's free hand tightens on his cane.

"I don't know yet. maybe you can tell me, when we see him."

"yes," jotaro says. it isn't a guess. he knows kakyoin. "you love him. do you want to marry him?"

"I don't know," says kakyoin again.

"ask him," says jotaro.

"ask him yourself." kakyoin stands up and misses the way that jotaro's shoulders tense.

rohan is dangerous and wild. he has never shared the world of jotaro and kakyoin. he is reckless and undamaged and jotaro likes to be afraid of him and to face down the danger. rohan is not careful where jotaro is most fragile. jotaro finds that he can survive it.

"hello," jotaro says to his fiancée. she smiles and takes his arm. kakyoin kisses her cheeks. "what would you think of marrying kakyoin?"

"that sounds nice," she says. they've discussed it before, but jotaro likes to start at the beginning of things and go in order.

"and his boyfriend?"

jotaro's fiancée likes kakyoin's boyfriend. sometimes they make love. jotaro and kakyoin approve of this, naturally.

"yes, I'll marry him too."

the four of them marry. jotaro finds that it is easy to love three people. he and kakyoin are the safest. kakyoin was jotaro's first love, is his best friend. it is a quiet ritual for them to share a bed. the intimacy of undressing together and sleeping, warm in one another's arms, is soothing. it takes an explanation to rohan. "it isn't what it looks like," kakyoin says.

"really, it isn't," jotaro says, and corrects his mistake though he wants to go back to sleep. marriage, it seems, requires communication.

rohan is the most difficult. he pushes, and pushes more, and when jotaro resists, rohan does not back down with the same grace as jotaro's other spouses. nevertheless, rohan learns how to love chaste kisses and jotaro learns how to love frenzy in small doses, and afterward they sit together and drink hot chocolate and watch kakyoin read to their wife.

jotaro's wife brings the marriage together. she is shaped differently from a man. when her small, pale mouth kisses jotaro, he can forget why he never makes love to his husbands. she lets silence stretch out until it connects her to jotaro rather than dividing them. she gives jotaro a daughter, and jotaro can believe that four parents will suffice to keep the child safe from the things he chooses to forget. jotaro loves her more than ever before, now that he does not need to love what she represents.

"I love you dearly," he says to his spouses, because it is true and he is thinking of it, and he is not afraid of himself.