High School Crush

Love has a way of intervening with your life, sometime it good or bad, but most of the time it up to you to choose the path it takes. As a young man growing up I always told myself that there is no such thing as love or liking someone, love is for losers who is willing to get hurt over a girl. Oh man what a shocker when the first couple few weeks I stepped into Lake Worth High School I fell in love the very moment my eyes fell upon this girl. Her name was Joshney Madues; oh man this girl had the face, body and attitude to go with it. She was beautiful to the max, and knew how to dress too, and her smile was to die for. That smile show she has went through so much to get where she’s at, but no matter what she went through or going through, she will always be independent and nothing can stop her from smiling. I was head over heel in love with her, but you know something, through everything thing I forgot my one most important guy code, that is for me to protect myself from getting hurt from any type of girl. But it seems faith had other ideas in store for me.

The Joie de vivre, the joy of life was something I haven’t felt in a while; this girl existence brought it out of me. The first time I had the balls to talk to her, oh man the memoires, I swear I felt like I was in a tight room with no oxygen flowing through it, when she smile at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. Her not knowing that it meant much more to me then I was leading on. 6th period was the English class we had together, with the right friends like Rachelle Dessin and who was also friend with her and my little motivator Claudia Alonso, me getting to know her was a breeze. And just like that we became friend which to me was one step closer to being more than friend. The days went by were we would talk, flirt and get to know each other. The more I got to know her the more my feeling grow even more for her, I was still a kid back then, because if I had any idea how everything was going to turn out, I swear I would have tried to stay out of the friend zone.    

“Wanting her is hard to forget, loving her is hard to regret, losing her is hard to accept, but letting go is the most painful”.As I got closer to her, something happened that should not have happened. I reached to the point to her where I was so close to her that I had hit the friend/brotherly zone. It took a while for me to realize that, and I knew if I had to try to get out of the friend zone I would be asking for too much. And with the days passing by I felt more aggravated, I reached to a point where I felt slowly but surely my high school crush was slipping away. “Every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to make us or break us, the choice is ours whether we become victims or victorious”. When I sit down and read this quote over and over again, I swear it was talking to me. Because I felt like this was a test for me to see how far I would go to get this beautiful girl? She meant a lot to me to the point where I tried to persuade myself that I was ok were I was, but really it was touring me apart. Knowing that to me she’s was so close, yet so far away. But like I said before faith had other plans in store for me because the worse had happened. 

“Throughout life: I've loved, I've lied, I've hurt, I've lost, I've missed, I've trusted, I've made mistakes. But most of all I've learned”. Every guy must have gone through something that affects them dearly, mine is a little cliché but hey love at first sight tends to make you blind. Anyway Joshney ended up having a boyfriend, and now looking back it bothers me only because I ended up not being there for her, and jealousy got the best of me. I forgot to tell myself I was playing the role of the good guy friend that’s there for her when she need him. Instead I ended up distancing myself from her and tried to be mad at her. This was petty, because no matter how hard I tried, I always end up coming back to her with an apology. Joshney really didn’t know the power she had over me. At some point when I realize that, I tried to back out again but like before I was back trying to flirt with JM. Times flies by and I really don’t know how long the relationship last but all I know is I was happy that I was by her side or so I told myself.

“I'm not even upset, angry or hurt anymore. I'm just tired of putting more effort than I receive. I'm tired of holding on for nothing. I'm tired of hanging on. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again”. Is it wrong for me to be a little happy when they broke up, I really didn’t care at the time but when JM broke up with her so call boyfriend, I literally jump for joy. Is it selfish of me, I really don’t think so. But after that things went back to the way it was, me texting her, flirting with her, her making my life a little bit joyful. But the strange thing is at some point I realize I’m making a fool out of myself and no matter what happen this is probably the most I can accomplish, and the reality of everything was what hurt the most. I tried to be happy, but everyday life dawn on me; I can never past the friend zone. Joshney Madues was my dream girl but I realize from that point on no matter what happened I can never have her. But I was a love sick puppy, and I tried every old trick in the book, but I never wanted to push that barrier that might shatter into a million pieces leaving our friendship in jeopardy.

“Time after time the past would come and smile at me, but this time I choose to look away, and smile at the future”. Time past and everything was what you would call settle, I eventually started to distant myself from her, and the truth is I really dint realizes I was doing it till it some point where she was like a stranger to me, literally. We would say “hi” to each other but we both knew it was not the same. Couple of month before 9th  grade end, I saw her sitting there at library computer beautiful as she can be, and I couldn’t help myself but walk over there and talk to her, oh man was I in for heartache. We were talking and catching up in an awkward way, that you wouldn’t have guessed that she and I were friends at some point. Then she told me that this was her last day in this school and she was moving away to another school. Here I am writing this and I can tell you I was so shock that all I can do is continue with our awkward and tell her Bye, and just like that JM was no longer in my life. I tried the kind of texting and Facebook approach but it was just not the same no matter how hard I try. And little by little I started trying to forget about her, Moving on to the next.

Joshney Madues was my high school crush, and in the end she was the one that got away. Even though everything happen for a reason there is a line I remember she said which I will always hold in my head, she told me this once when I was texting her, “ Gandhi you will find someone better out there for you, it just not me” and this was my answer “ Joshney if I wanted someone better would have I choose you to like”, back then maybe she had her reason, I was still a kid back then and maybe I would have done it differently now but the way it happened thought me something, and that is in life holding on to something that was not yours, will only hurt you. Move on, and stop clinging to the past. In the end maybe I may still like her, but I really think there is someone out there for me or for everybody you just have to keep searching.