Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

96 End

When Bucky opened his eyes and came into consciousness he realized that now would be the ideal time for him to die.

The room was dark, and cold, and he was upright. His arms were up above his head, locked into some machine and his legs below him were just as locked and no matter how much he strained, he couldn’t move, tied into some sort of neutralizing starfish position. He didn’t know what to do. This was new, he’d never been detained like this before and he sucked in a breath, shuddering, and tried to shake the headache out from behind his eyes.

“STEVE!” Bucky screamed, because he had nothing else to lose. “STEEEVE! NATALIA!” Bucky pulled on his restraints, roaring as loud as he could and feeling sick. This was it. This was it. He began to breath harder, began to feel that nauseous feeling and he thought he might throw up. “ANYONE! HELP! PLEASE! Please!”

He had been stupid, stupid! He had walked into a trap, hooked himself into something that Hydra had tampered with, and it was all his fault.

It was now or never. He wanted to die as Bucky Barnes instead of live as the Winter Soldier.

In the end, he couldn’t keep his promise. In the end, Hydra had made a liar out of him, and a monster and a killer and a traitor.

He’d been so happy. He thought he’d won a victory, he thought he’d finally taken something back, but instead, they had him now, all of him, everything, to do with what they wished, to destroy as they saw fit. He had to start thinking about it now, how he would die, and realized in a panic that he didn’t know. He was too restrained, there didn’t appear to be any weapons around, from what he could see, and for now, he just seemed stuck. His arm hurt, being pulled above his head like that, and he began to feel dizzy. He was hyperventilating, breathing hard and trying to close his eyes and think clearly.

“You know, this is really amazing,” someone said in Russian from behind Bucky and Bucky put his head up and reminded himself, breathe breathe breathe.

Steve is here. And Natalia. They could save him. He wouldn’t live as the Winter Soldier again, he wouldn’t be Hydra’s possession again. Steve is here. Steve is here.

“Amazing because, after a while, we didn’t even really have to go after you anymore, huh, Winter Soldier?” The voice said. It sounded like a man, not someone he recognized, but it was Hydra. They were all the same. “After a while, we just sat back and you came to us.” Bucky wished he could think of something to say, something biting, something fighting. Where was that fire when he needed it?

“Steve is here,” Bucky heard himself say and he didn’t know if it was to the man behind him or to himself, but he almost whispered it, muttering, still trying to just breathe.

“Yes, your Captain is here. And the Black Widow. Funny how you two found each other again. I’ll bet it’s traumatic to remember her, isn’t it?” Bucky didn’t respond. “But anyway, you don’t have to worry about them, or their bombs.” The man was moving now and he was in front of Bucky, some scientist in a coat, alone. “We’re keeping them pretty busy. We plan on putting some more holes in Rogers, I believe.” The man shrugged. “But it’s not my area. I’m just the programmer, of course.”

“Let me out of here,” Bucky growled, trying to cover the way his voice shook because he was so afraid. Programming, erasing. Taking and taking, taking everything. Bucky remembered the shock, the cutting pain, the black. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to do.

What do I do what do I do

steve is here steve is here you’re okay breathe buck breathe

No more shaking. You’re going to be okay.

“It was also interesting to watch you outside of our influence,” the man continued, folding his hands and looking up at Bucky’s face, as though they had all the time in the world. “The way you interacted with others, or rather, didn’t interact. You rather kept to yourself, you know that?” The man looked back down at the ground. “We deemed you dysfunctional, as I’m sure Rogers and Romanova had before us. You need this sort of thing, this programming and handling. It’s for the best.” Bucky stared at him.

“What do you mean, I’m not… I’m not. Not dysfunctional,” he said.

“On the contrary, Winter Soldier, you were barely coping,” the man replied. “You said it yourself, in your book.” Bucky stopped, stunned. They read his book. They had been watching him that entire time.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

You won’t be the Winter Soldier again. That’s a promise I make myself, I’m not going there, not again.

Breathe. Breathe.

“I was getting better,” Bucky replied, gritting his teeth until he could hear the scraping in his head. “I was getting better.” The man scoffed, rocking back on his heels.

“You are delusional, Winter Soldier,” he said softly. “There is no getting better for you. Especially after what we observed, with the meltdowns and the confusion. I’m afraid this is just… What you are. This is the only life you are suited for anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky said.

“Let’s be honest with ourselves here, Winter Soldier,” the man said, interrupting him. “I’ve read your file. We both know who you are. You don’t deserve anything more.”

“NO!” Bucky roared and there was the fire. He was breathing it. “That’s not TRUE! You DID THIS TO ME!” The man raised his eyebrows. “You made me this!! You took away EVERYTHING and it WASN’T MY FAULT!”

“Steve Rogers tell you that?” He said. Bucky glared. It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!
I was a victim.

That’s when Bucky really felt like he knew, restrained there in metal that swallowed up his hands and feet in the dark, where finally the guilt wasn’t his and the murders weren’t his and the brokenness wasn’t his. He was a person, he was a human being, he deserved things. He was abused.

It wasn’t his fault.

It finally, finally, wasn’t his fault.

The only shame was that now that Bucky knew this, truly and intimately, he was going to lose it all again.

“You are a monster, Winter Soldier,” the man said finally. “And you are even afraid of yourself. But,” the man shrugged and began to back up, finding some tall control panel in the dark that Bucky hadn’t seen. “You are a monster we can use.”

“Go to hell,” Bucky hissed through his panic and his anger. Programming. Wiping.

Steve is here! Steve is coming! And Natalia, they wouldn’t let him become this again, they wouldn’t, they would save him.

Was there no way he could get away, get out of this? Was there no way he could even just die?!

“Oh, my friend,” the man said as he began to push buttons. “It’s not me who will be in hell today.”

Bucky screamed. Metal moved around him. No one was coming and he couldn’t die and he was back, he was with them, under them, and this was it. It wasn’t his fault and he deserved life and happiness, but that didn’t stop them, never stopped them. This was the end of everything.

There was an electrical shock.

And a burning.

A horrible burning.

Then, so much black that it swallowed up James Buchanan Barnes until he was

forever

and completely

and entirely

gone.