The Last Letter (a dance moms fan fiction)

Dear: Mackenzie, Chloe, Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia

It’s been exactly one month since friday July 18. The day of the car crash, where you all left me forever. I will always remember that day its permanently etched in my brain. Seeing you all lying on the ground bleeding to death right in front of me and I couldn’t do anything. I was powerless, yet I can’t help but feel like I could have done something. Everyone says there was nothing I could have done… but there is always something that you can do. Nia, thats what you always used to say remember? I just feel like if I had called the police sooner or done something, anything to help you guys maybe at least one of you would still be alive. Then I’d have someone to hug and cry with over the loss of our best friends. I don’t have anyone any more.

I don’t think anyone understands what I’m going through. Sure all of our parents are crying, they’re devastated. But they lost their daughters I lost my best friends. The people I told everything to. If I had a problem I knew one of you could fix it. Now who do I go to? I guess the obvious answer would be mom but there’s just some things you just don’t want your parents to know. You know?

I guess you're probably wondering why I’m writing a letter to six dead people. Well, I’ll tell you. My therapist… yes I have a therapist. Mom got me one a little after the accident, said I was acting different. Of course I was acting different my best friends just died! Anyways my therapist says that a good way to cope with the death of someone you love is to write them a letter. Get all your feelings out and you’ll feel better. I don’t know if it will work but he’s right about one thing, I am having trouble coping so I’ll try it. It can’t hurt.

Here goes nothing…

Geese, what do I say? I miss you? That doesn’t seem like enough. You guys were like my sisters, Mackenzie you were my sister and now that you're gone I feel like you took a piece of me with you. I just haven’t been the same since that day. I don’t smile or laugh anymore. Whats there to smile about when your gone? And why should I laugh if you're not here to laugh with me? Everything I used to do now seems stupid and useless without you here.

Even dance isn’t what it used to be. At first I tried to dance, thought it would help take some of the pain away. You know me, dancing away all my problems. Well I guess there are just some problems you can’t dance away. Abby gave me a solo a couple weeks after the accident. It was a tribute to you guys, a gorgeous dance really. But as I would go through it I would get this tight feeling in my chest. And as I remembered who the dance was for and why I was doing the dance the tightness would get worse and worse until it turned into pain. I couldn’t breath and the pain wouldn’t go away no matter what I did so I stopped and cried. I think that was the first time I really broke down and cried. I had been a mess the two weeks before that not eating not sleeping. But I was in denial I just couldn’t except that you were gone, dead, never coming back. But in that minute it finally sunk in and I couldn’t handle it. And it seems like I haven’t stopped crying since.

The dance was supposed to help. In a way I think it did but in another way it seemed to have made it worse. When I was in denial I didn’t have to deal with this pain, it was a lot easier.

On the day I was supposed to perform the dance I chickened out, I just couldn’t do it. I hope your not mad, maybe one day I’ll have the courage to perform it. Just not right now.

Incase you didn’t know I haven’t been to dance in about a week. It’s hard, too hard. Everything reminds me of you in there. The trophies remind me of all the competitions we went to together and all the group dances we won. The den reminds me of the times between shooting and between rehearsals when we just sat and goofed off, taking pictures singing songs and telling jokes. And now it seems really empty without all your stuff around cluttering up the place. Never thought I’d say this but I miss the mess. And the studios remind me of all the dances we learned together and all the rehearsals we had. All the hours we put in learning new tricks all of us always trying to beat each other by learning the coolest trick. I think Brooke won most of the time. Right Brooke? None of us could do all those contortion moves. And we couldn’t even do some of those acro moves you could do, except you Mackenzie. You were really coming along on your acro and I was so proud of you. I don’t care what Abby said you were a great dancer just the way you were.

You guys are gonna think I’m crazy but on my first day back I swear I could see all of you in the studio dancing, practicing tricks. You weren’t of course, you’ll never dance in that studio again.  You’ll never dance anywhere again. Wow thats a really sad thought. You guys never dancing again. Remember all the plans we had for the future? I do, we would sit and talk for hours about what we wanted to do. Brooke was going to be on cirque. Paige was going to model. By the way I saw the last bunch of pictures you did, they were amazing. Kendall and Nia you were going to be actresses. Mackenzie you wanted to be a popstar. And Chloe begin a Ballerina was all you ever talked about. Then me, I wanted to dance on broadway. I guess I still could but it’s just not the same thinking about my future when you guys won’t have one.

It’s not fair, It’s just not fair. Why did you have to die? You had your whole lives ahead of you, promising futures. And now what? All that just down the drain? All your hard work and all the time you spent on dance wasted? (I guess it wasn’t completely wasted dance is where we all met.) Why did I live? Why was I the only one out of all seven of us to survive? It’s not fair! I wish I would have died in the accident with the rest of you, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of losing you. Its just not the same, dance, school, life, everything is just different. It will never be the same again. Never again will you talk to me, never again will you hug me and that tears me up inside. Everyone asks me if I’m okay, I say I’m fine. I’m still waiting for someone to see through my lie and tell me I’m not. Thats what I need, I need someone to tell me that I’m not fine and I need them to tell me that thats okay and that one day I will be fine. Because right now I feel like I’m going to live this way forever and I can’t do that I can’t live my life like this forever. I still have nightmares about that night its all so vivid and then I wake up happy for a minute until I realize it wasn’t just a dream.

I can’t  wake up like that every morning, with hope only to have my heart crushed again and again. I need to know that this will not be my life forever. I need to leave this behind me and move forward with my life. I will never forget you guys you were the best friends anyone could have had and I will remember you forever. I’ll hold all the memories we share close to my heart and I know you will always be with me. I will always miss you but you’re never coming back.

With all my love yours truley,

Madison Ziegler

Maddie stared at the letter tears streaming down her cheeks she read it over and over again. That had been the hardest thing she had ever done and now that it was over It felt like weight had been lifted off her chest, she could breath again and it felt good. She folded the letter and placed it inside of an envelope and sealed it, then signed it  “Girls”.  She hid the letter in a box with the girls stuff in it. Stuff that Maddie already had or stuff that the girls parents gave her. With the lid tight on the box once again she slid it to the back of her closet behind her cloths.