Happiness, big word for every one of us. It is always the start of finding yourself in the center of this astounding world, and so with me too. If I remember it last year, my hashtags were always #Happiness and #HappyGurlzAreThePrettiest inspired from the movie “Eat, Pray and Love” starring Sandra Bullock.
When my understanding of happiness has been just like a pinhole of our gate (you can barely see what’s inside, so what’s the point of putting your eyes on it), I never thought it would lead me to see the most beautiful scenery of this lifetime. We often say that, when we are in that turning point of our lives, “I need to find myself, my happiness, I want to be happy” that’s actually the start of knowing how deep you can go in yourself.
For the past years of my life, I believed I was already enduring a full spirit. Finished 2 courses, now taking another course, going to church every Sunday, had enjoyed my time with my friends thru leisure, fun and laughter, got my job, I was and still helping my family, received the most precious blessing that I could ever have which is my daughter. I have these benefits in life that I could not imagine at first whether I truly deserved it or not, but yeah of course I am worthy of everything this planet earth have. That’s what you call a sort of contentment with what you reap from what you merely sow in the not-so-best effort, sad bad super TRUE.
But I had always that feeling of loneliness. That I do not belong in any group of friends that I have. That I can do all things independently which I am also proud of, but still “no man is an island”. That feeling of existentialism crisis, where you don’t really know who you are except that you have this name given by your parents, you have this family, friends and all sorts in life, still something is missing in you. And what I assumed was this happiness that we are always looking for. That we are not completely whole when you never get the chance to find it.
To those who knew me very much, I became a servant in some churches in our place and stayed long in service during my teenage life. But circumstances have come across me and I tend to escape from it. I then realized that I was not really serving 100% for His glory (sad but true again), instead I was there for “some” wisdoms I could get from our group sharing, my passion which is singing, my friends and fun, relationship. That look from your neighborhood that you are serving in the church which makes you a bit proud of yourself. That gravitational thought that I should be religious too coz I came from a religious family. That I am a catholic so I should act like one and of course because I am following that small voice in my ears that I should be giving back my blessings thru service. That’s where I was most comfortable with, my comfort zone. But I guess, that was actually the start of knowing where your heart really is, and that is in the service of God. That was the beginning of my search for purpose.
I miss everything that I had in that place that I choose to give up. I missed half of my life for leaving my service for more than ten years in the past. That was the happiness I decided to be left behind because of my sorrows. I preferred to be alone, to be self-contained, to be proud, to be numb and to be a great pretender. My misery from that place was not at all healed by then, it was all in my heart, hiding and was waiting to burst and to be closed. But who would ever want to hear it? Who could mend my broken heart at that time? No one I thought, so I have just decided to keep it in my heart, locked it and shields it from all the heartaches I may be getting from all the people I am with and allowed shallow happiness as a replacement for that scar in my heart.
Unluckily, and it was a part of my fate (coz EVERYTHING JUST HAPPENS FOR A REASON), that I wasn’t able to find my true happiness from those things I had coz they didn’t get through me. It was all barricaded by my past burdens and my hard-headed attitude. It was then hard for me to go back to Him, as if I felt He was away from me, but it was not. I was actually the one who was away from Him. I did not acknowledge His presence in me. I was as hard as a rock that it was not easy for me to break and cure my pain.
Fortunately, my faith was intact then. I found my heart pumping from those words I am hearing and visualized myself still holding on despite of the numbness I felt from my sufferings. He called me back and began to open my ears from Him again. I never stopped looking for signs and for the places where I can start my wholeness again. Spiritual guides then came into my life. Just in time and in His priceless time. I know, since I was a kid, I had this desire to serve him. I always believe that every person has this mission in their lives. That we should bring our passion to whatever we are doing and let that passion bring us to that awareness and to our authentic power. And once you have find it, you can say, this is the happiness that I’ve been looking for. Truly, this is the happiness I’ve been searching for. Surprisingly, it was not just the plain happiness that i've been wanting for, it is that joyful feeling within my heart and throughtout my body which is enormously present in my spirit.
Following my bliss, as what Joseph Campbell (Author of The Power of Myth) always say in his interviews, talks, sharings and books, is what I am starting to do now. By instinct, you may feel your calling knocking inside your heart, listen to it passionately. By signs, read what messages are sent for you. By people, study what could be his purpose in your life and if you truly deserve them. By teachings, choose what your inner self could agree to. Always ask yourself what I am here for and you can see the answer right just through you once you open your heart to it. As soon as you are following your heart, you may then see clearly the purpose made just for you. And with that, everything will then unfold to you undoubtedly. Do not fear, for God will be always with you and everything that will happen to you (good or bad), is just meant to be happening because that will guide you to your next destination. Always believe that it was all meant to be and be grateful with the lessons you will be learning from it.
I would like to share more, but I guess this is too many for now. Unquestionably, God is OA (Overwhelming and Amazing) that I can write and share this joy in my heart, but I do not want to engulf you with all the magic and miracles that He has done in my life. Marami pang ibibigay na pagkakataon sakin si God. :)
May God bless you always and thanks for reading.
