Natural Born Disaster

ᴏɴᴇ

ethan,

Monday,8:45 a.m

i rubbed the sleep out of my eye, reading over my note once again. my handwriting was perfect, my OCD complementing the way every letter curved just right. the spelling was flawless, my OCD once again approved.

i stood up, hiding the paper so i could wash my hands for the millionth time that day because of compulsions. i scrubbed my hands with peach scented soap for a good ten minuets before shutting off the lukewarm water. i grabbed the perfectly folded towel from its place, scrubbing my hands harshly to get all the water off.

my anxiety came out to play, throwing in thoughts of me making it with horrible injuries or someone calling the cops and talking me into going to a mental hospital instead of ending my life.

my depression decided to comment, mentally telling me to hurry up and end it all. my hands clenched and unclenched as i squeezed my eyes closed.

give me time, give me time. i would whisper to them as the voices in my head began to call my name. i walked back to my room with my hands pressed against my ears in attempt to make the voices stop muttering and screaming for me to hurry.

your mom gets home at three! hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...

do it! do it! do it!

just slash your wrists it's quicker!

i let out a grunt and opened my eyes to my room spinning, colors changing, and feet stumbling. "shut up! shut up!" i growled in annoyance as my mind became more hazy by the second.

i breathed heavily, hearing footsteps of something that wasn't even there, "go away! i cant-" i felt arms on my shoulders that were probably nonexistent, shaking me and telling me i was okay.

"g-gray i-." i murmured, accepting that my twin brother was attempting to stop it all. his coos, pleads, and whispers of comfort became disoriented as the voices told me to push him away.

he's evil! he'll kill you!

hug him, let him help you....

run, run away and jump!!

i let out a strangled noise and pressed my palms into my ears harder. "make it stop, make it stop.." i continued to slur my words and still couldn't hear my brother's voice as it was muffled and echoing loudly. my eyes opening to see him stab my thigh with a pen.

-

my eyes fluttered open, seeing sun rays hitting my fully clothed body. my OCD made comments about my desk, my body being dirty, my clothes being wrinkled, telling me to get rid of it all and clean.

water trickled down my face, neck, and back. i ran my hands up and down my face, once again rubbing sleep out of my eyes. my mind overflowed with thoughts as i deeply breathed in and out.

i opened my eyes to see the blank, white, tile wall. i investigated the individual tiles to make sure there were no marks.

eventually i allowed myself to step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. i picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste.

toothbrush, water, toothpaste. one-hundred-twenty seconds.

i listened to the voice in the back of my mind, putting water on my toothbrush and squeezing out toothpaste from the tube. i counted to the correct amount of seconds.

one-mississippi two-mississippi three-mississippi.....

i spat out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth. i sighed and inspected my face like i did every morning, making sure it was perfect.