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SINGULARITY -
I took one more step towards the end of the stairs as I reached the familiar door and let out a sigh out of nervousness. I smiled sadly at the door as all our memories poured up in my head. I missed the times. I regretted. I wanted to apologize. But I never had the courage to. But today, something inside of me, encouraging enough, sent me off to this familiar door.
The letters on the door got me scared.
kim's.
I felt my breath getting cut off and how I struggled to breathe normally as my heart beat faster than anytime ever. My eyes kept getting watery as I my lips started to shake too.
Why? There was a lot of reasons. One major being the fact that I, myself was a kim, my mother changed hers to kim when she still breathed and my sister was also a kim. So was their murderer. My father.
I felt my knuckle going numb from the furious pain I felt since I was cutting into my skin with my nails, just the thoughts of him made me furious. I was also spiteful of myself. I was such a useless person. I had always been there when everyone I cherished was slowly killed, leaving the killer and me, the killer's son alone in this cruel world.
I was also furious about the name being Kim's, since my best friend, or he used to be, was a kim too. He was my cousin. He was the one who got me into places I already knew I didn't belong to. To the places where the broken side of me couldn't handle the pressure and stress so I just did what others did.
Followed their actions, became one of them, cut my hair who my mother loved when she was alive, sold my sisters favorite necklace because of the bets I lost. Got my father out of problems with the money my sister had saved for her college. I became the Taehyung I didn't want to become.
Knowing that what I was doing and acting like was wrong, I still continued, since I really needed to fill out the emptiness from my family and hide the pain and truth, I started to illegally draw on the walls with him. My cousin. He seemed really broken too. The first time I saw him, he looked like he had died and just woken up, his eyes wide as he painted and then smiled painfully.
I couldn't read him but he seemed to have a bad life too. Which was the only thing I needed in a friend. A friend who could understand how hard it could be. But I grew too used to him. I started to call more often, he started with his excuses, the me who already had hard to control his hands and emotions got so mad one day that I ran to his home when he hang up on me.
The door was locked so I throw a stone at his window and managed to get inside, only creating three cuts on my already bruised body as I found scissors and pictures of an elder woman as I cut through them all before I left all the sprays at his home and left it like that.
When I reached a dark alley, things started to hit me hard and I couldn't help but walk home with a guilty headache, biting my lip and letting the tears roll down with a emotionless face.
I told myself that I did nothing wrong and that those pictures were nothing important. But little did I know, those were the only pictures left of his mother, my uncle's wife. My dear cousin. I left his home with all those pieces of his mother left in this world.
I did think about going to him to apologize. But I couldn't. I didn't have the courage to. I tried to kill myself. But I couldn't. I tried to kill my father, but I fucking couldn't. I tried to visit my family's grave, but I couldn't.
Months went by and I was in one state of mind. The so called 'tried but couldn't' state. I got severe pain from bruises of trying my best at dying. But I couldn't die. It just wouldn't work.
So now, months later, I decided to at least apologize. I pulled up my insanely shaky hand as I knocked on the big door, letting out a breath out of anxiety.
It hurt so much, that while being in a rather understanding situation to my cousin, I still decided to make him suffer more and I felt shameful. So sorry, so guilty, so bad.
The door opened as I felt my tears welling up. In the doorway stood the mentioned cousin of mine, with an unreadable expression as I looked away, starting to cry.
"Hyung, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I hate myself, did I have to? Hit me plea-"
"So it was you?"
I fell down on my knees, as my tears flew down my cheeks, I bit my trembling lips repeatedly as I nodded my head, I pulled up my hands in a prayer as I slided them against each other, sobbing louder.
"I'm so sorry hyung. I'm done with life. Why can't I die? I do nothing but hurt others or simply nothing... I wanna die"
Getting no response, I felt my throat aching in pain as I felt like dying. I couldn't stop myself from begging for apologies. I heard steps towards me as I looked up and met a pitying face of my cousin before I was pulled into his embrace.
I cried louder as I wrapped my arms around him as I repeated the word sorry for the hundredth time. He just caressed my back and calmly embraced me, leaving me clueless.
"I'm so sorry for not searching you up, Taehyung. I was mad at you for doing that but I was at fault too for leaving you after creating a monster out of you. I attempted to come by or call you or somehow inform you that I was okay, but whenever I try to leave my house, weird things happen and I almost feel my breath leave my body. I almost die every time, it's scary"
Another moment of crying occurred but it was my cousin's. I out of shock, stopped crying as I heard him confess something unbelievable. I felt relief from knowing that he forgave me but getting to know about the reason why he couldn't meet me sooner, I didn't really know what to do.
This did happen to me a few times, where I could be alive and well one second and then feeling my breath being pushed out of my body, as if I'm forcedly getting killed. After moments of thinking, or not even thinking, just getting ahold of my body, I hugged his crying body, with all my might as another river of tears streamed down my cheeks.
Suddenly, everything got blurry as I heard him calling for me, asking if I was there, the atmosphere was turning darker and I felt earcap on both ears but I couldn't answer. Couldn't reach my own body. Suddenly the lamp started turning off and on and I saw Namjoon getting suffocated by the dark arms built by pure atmosphere. My breath left my body making me feel like I was dying and the second after feeling like that, everything turned black.
may the chosen one die.
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thirty-fourth chapter,
honestly this is becoming so not the kind of story I wanted it to be. I'm sad. Please tell me how you feel about this story by now? Huhu T T
