Down in the lake •Diary•

•August 15th 2018

My dad is ....
my dad is a great father he sacrificed so much for us just so we can get a proper life .
that's why I feel guilty Every time I get into a fight with him .
I became a bitter person with anger issues all thanks to my family.
all the belittling saying how not smart I am  and all the wrong choices i made just because I did something they don't agree on how they compare others to me and how I wasted my life  i'm 26 years old.

I used to ignore it and just take it all in . but on the long run it made me so insecure and weak (hence why i'm very angry person).

today I had no patience for any of that since my mom traveled 10 days ago and I been doing everything .

i had just finshed  feeding  my niece and nephew thier breakfast when the door bell rang i checked and it's the guy from water company we usualy but  big watter bottles from.

so i gave him the 3 big empty water bottles by the front door then I called my dad to ask where coupon book was .

he said we don't want water .
I said I already had gave him the water bottles  he said to tell him to come back another day and my dad will give him the money.

went told the guy just that and the guy said your dad told me that last time.

if you have 26.66 dollars I'll give you a new Coupon book right now . *and the guy wouldn't leave*

1- I was watching a 5 year old and a 2 and half year old so leaving them alone for too long is not safe .

2- I knew the old Coupon is finished.

3- I know my dad doesn't have money and when he has it he is extra stingy with it  and we suffer sometimes from the nagging plus we need the water.

so I went paied and took the coupon I figured my dad can pay me anytime or if he dosen't it's fine too.

when my dad came I told him that I bought new Couponbook and he dosent have to worry about water for the next month .

he started screaming at me saying why I didn't tell the guy to leave  I kept saying I told him but he wouldn't leave plus we needed the water.

he kept saying how stupid I am and how I can't do anything right how everyone don't do things right in our family he kept putting me down with his words and I couldn't handle it because he wouldn't give me the chance to talk and explain.

so I started raising my voice trying to explain and defending myself he kept saying not to scream at him .

that's when I exploded and started creaming at him telling him not to call me stupid and so on .

this next part might be funny to you guys because of the objects we picked up but in all honesty  right now it's not for me .

he grabbed the closest thing to him a fly swatter and dashed to me threatening me with it .

I was so pissed because no matter who I will always make sure they know no one can even think of hitting me .

so I picked up the closest thing  to me as well  *spoon*.

he started saying stop screaming and I told him not to threatin me .

he walked away and kept saying how stupid I was and how people laugh at me .

I told him he is mad cuz I paied for  it then I'll burn the rest of the coupon book  it's my money anyways and he can do whatever .

I grabbed the coupon book  went to the kitchens grabbed a lighter  and started burning it in front or him.

He said to put it off and walked away.
I put it off went to my room started crying.

I been crying  for 2 hours now.

i usualy don't cry over small things but all the build up is getting to me I been  feeling worthless  insecure unimportant and just weak for the past 8 years  .

i know my dad will never hit me  but his actions are making my older brother think it's an option I guess ?.

my older brother threatened me too when me and my dad were fighting 9 days ago .

I got pissed cuz my dad didn't say anything to him back then  inseated he told me to go to my room and told my brother to leave but none od us would .

I exploded back  then too infront of them both I held my small sized  frying pan  smacked whe wall so hard with it making it clear if anyone thinks of even touching me I would fight back 100% harder.

my brother said that I can't do shit  so I threw the pan on the floor and walked away .

later on I noticed the frying pan has a huge dent on it .

I didn't talk to my brother for days .

funny thing in my family is that they never say

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not gonna check spelling or grammar sorry .