𝖒𝖔𝖔𝖓 𝖗𝖎𝖛𝖊𝖗 - 𝔪𝔬𝔟𝔞

C10H14N2

"so you take it here, put it between your lips, then light it." russell explained as he lit a cigarette and took a drag from it, exhaling from his mouth and nose.

"you put it in your mouth before lighting it?" matt questioned in confusion.

"yeah, why wouldn't you."

"it's so much easier to do it without it in your mouth."

"why the fuck- you need to use one hand to block the wind."

"well it's because we're here, normally there is no wind. dom puts his in his mouth too. you guys are fucking weird."

"i can't believe you don't know how to light a fucking cigarette." the blonde boy said, walking away from the raven-haired to tap his ashes into a nearby plant pot.

it was a really nice summer night. nick's house was in the middle of the "white bread" neighborhood; a nickname for the whitest, most pretentious part of town, which automatically meant it was a great, huge house to hang out at, especially because his parents lived in norway for 9 months of the year.

it was rare to see both matt and russell out at the same time, considering how little they knew about each other, as well as how uninterested they were in learning more.

"russ, help my cigarette extinguished." matt said trying to light the cig back up, but failing because of the wind. russell rolled his eyes and tapped his cigarette.

"take this one then." the elder said, passing it to matt. he looked confused but then shrugged, a flicker lighting in his eye.

he mumbled a thank you, sucking the smoke into his mouth but not actually inhaling it. russ watched him do this for a while as he leaned on the small patio table.

"your teeth are just going to get dark if you don't inhale it." the blonde finally said tapping his cigarette into the same potted plant.

"my teeth are going to get dark anyways." the shorter one retorted, rolling his eyes, but inhaling it as russell's instructions, followed by a few muffled coughs. the 16-year-old looked at russell with a look of disgust.

"that's smoking for ya'" russell sighed, turning to walk towards the fence railing, and leaning on it with his arms.

the shorter one jogged towards the other, cigarette in one hand and one gripping his phone. he felt a bit babied, even though he was the one who asked to try smoking in the first place. it took some convincing of the older boy to let him try one for only the 4th time in his life, but now it just felt like russell was treating him like an idiot.

and despite his small appearance, matt was normally the one to be the leader in adventurous decisions. he found himself angry a lot of the time about how much control he had over his own life, which was virtually none. small things like this were what ticked him off.

"stop acting like you're so much older than me. it feels kinda degrading y'know." matt said angrily. russell took a long drag from his cigarette, and the little orange tip lit up his nose and part of his face. it was quiet for a solid 30 seconds, the silence being filled by distanced laughs coming from inside the house, and crickets. it felt like being at a neighbourhood barbecue when matt was 10. he daydreamed about going back to those times before russel let out a deep sigh.

"i am older than you matt. sorry for making you feel that way though, i didn't mean it. i just don't get why you would want to start smoking." russ said, letting the smoke spill out of his mouth as he talked instead of forcibly exhaling.

matt instantly felt guilty. he always did after confronting someone when he was even slightly angry. his mind couldn't comprehend why he didn't remember that every time. he stayed in silence for a while, thinking about that.

16 years old. matt didn't know what to do now. summer vacation was going to end, and he was going to enter his junior year of high school. 2 more years of this hell and he could be free.

he loved his friends.

he couldn't stand everything else.

his parents were so strict but loving at the same time. it confused him that he loved them so much and was infinitely thankful for everything they've done for him, but he couldn't stand all the rules they had for him.

no computer or phone past 8:30 (he had an ipod his parents didn't know about that he used past that time though).

no going too far away on the subway, not even to state centre. (he went anyways).

curfew is at 6:30. he stayed out later than that most of the time, passing it off as studying at a friends house or being on his way.

he couldn't handle the puppet show feeling his life gave him. it must've developed into something bigger around the age of 11 or 12 when he started getting angry about the smallest things. his parents knew but passed it off as adolescence. he knew he had issues with it, but he didn't want to give up fighting on his own and go to a therapist.

and russell wasn't even a bad guy. he was one year older than matt but had the heart of a child; extremely kind and caring and compassionate for everyone around him. although matt didn't spend much time around him, he could tell he was the peacekeeper of the older part of the group of friends.

"sorry russ. i-i get like that sometimes. i don't mean it." the regretful teenager sighed out. "i guess i'm starting to smoke to have control over something." matt said, his eyes starting to twitch with water. good thing both cigarettes were out, otherwise russ would be able to see the few tears stream down.

he yelled at himself internally for crying and subtly wiped his tears on his black sweater.

"do you feel out of control a lot of the time?" russell asked, turning his head to look down at matt. the latter stood back up straight to feel less overwhelmed by the blonde, and his entire being. matt shrugged in both a dismissive and affirmative way, before pushing himself off the fence and wiping some dust off his sweater that might have been on it. russell didn't move.

"by the way, you can call me joba." russ blurted out as matt started to walk away.

"what's joba?" the raven headed boy asked, a smile creeping onto his face. the tall teenager turned around and leaned his back against the fence.

"it's just a nickname." russ said, his face twisting into something that looked like a smile in the dark. he was facing the house and matt was facing away from it, about 6 feet between the two boys. matt noticed that joba's smile shined a bit with the reflection of the nearest street lamp.

"okay joba. sorry about before again." the shorter one said, waving and going back into the house.

joba turned back around and looked out into the street. he expected that to be the last conversation he ever had with the boy. when he confronted him, the blonde thought the potential friendship was over, despite the cool mask he kept on. he never talked to matt before, why would he now?

maybe it was the realization that this was his last year of high school, mixed with his anxiety after talking to matt, but he felt happy. almost as if he was drifting outside of his own body.

he felt like a bad person for giving matt access to the cigs, and that was pretty heavy on his conscious. yet he felt like he was floating above the clouds. he hated it and loved it.
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nicotine addiction and panic was definitely not the way love stories began, but maybe life could be filled with as much warmth and comfort that the story branches will mangle together.