Jasmin

Chapter 25

HURT BY NINE INCH NAILS

Chapter 25

"Good morning sweetheart." I look up at the face and I know I am lost. The girl no one could touch, no one ever saw the real person, yet this face, his face, has my whole body melting.

"Morning." Oh god, I just spent the night with a guy! With my boyfriend! Do I freak out. No my body is relaxed. I feel safe, warm. A gut feeling that he would never hurt me, never in a million years. Or three years of watching me and never once trying to hurt me. So weird. I stretch out my body now that I am waking up. I push my shoulders back and my legs down, and brush against the front of Marcus.

I am standing in a freezing cold cabin staring at the bed I was in just a few seconds ago, after pushing myself away, falling out of bed, being tangled in the quilt, rolling around to find my feet. I just woke up, do not expect graceful.

Panting and panic. Notice what is around me. What can I touch, taste, smell. Think of other things. I try to calm my breathing. Stare at the pillow, not at him. Deep breaths. Don't black out again.

Marcus, who has yet to move, maybe even breath while I shoved him away, takes a deep breath and backs up to slide off the other side of the bed, watching me, moving so slow. "I am going to go get changed." His voice is rough with hard edges that seem to flay my skin. I flinch as he rounds the bed to grab his backpack and I see the tent in his pants. The reason for my graceless jump out of bed. His hands twitch in my direction causing me to back up more, almost tripping on the quilt still wrapped around my feet. I stay staring at him as he hunches himself smaller and backs away from me. When the bathroom door is closed I notice how wet my face is, how bad my reaction was. I can not do this. How can I have a real boyfriend, or mate or whatever. How can I do the things I want to do, had even planned yesterday in my mind, to try last night, when it makes me shake so bad.

Then something I heard finally clicks in my head, Sally saying she will do it to make him not leave. I would do anything to make smile. To fix his face when he is upset. Anything for him not leave me. Yet I just proved that untrue. I don't think I can. My whole body shakes; he will leave. I am broken and eventually he will leave. I can not be what he wants. He thinks I am strong, he wants me to be strong, yet moving forward is so hard. I so want his smile, the one I saw when I opened my eyes. Not the face that backed away into a cramped little bathroom. Not that pain, a pain I caused.

The bathroom door opens and Marcus is dressed, covered. I look down, no bulge. I stare. I cant help myself.

"Jasmin." Eyes, his eyes are so soft. No anger, I expect anger, yet he never seems to show me that side of him. I have seen it with others, David, Buster, guys at school, but never at me, yet I still expected it in this moment. Knew it would come when he realized what I could not do. "That is ok."

His words, his tone. It takes me back to the chill of our walk, when I had agreed to come here. I flush. Right, I warned him before, I said no before we even got here, no matter my plans to try, to expect it now is his fault. Its all his fault. I hold on to that thought. Embrace it.

I stand before him, allowing the cold to fill me, I can't even feel my toes anymore, and glare at his soft eyes. "Can you move so I can get ready now." My voice is venom, my anger at him for putting me in this position thrown, and he takes a step back.

I grab my bag and push past him to the bathroom.

"Jasmin?" I slam the door.

I calm down a bit in the bathroom, yet feel so upset at him, at myself for doing this. The whole night was draining and I feel so tired. I finally am ready to face him. I leave the bathroom and stand with my head down but my eyes looking up through my short fringe of hair, concentrating on his face.

"You interest me Jasmin, I can not stop that, but I will not do anything about it. I hope you understand." He is standing at the stove, he closes the door after feeding in more logs from outside. He says this as he turned to me.

"I don't!" He sighs again. He sounds as frustrated as I feel by the whole ordeal.

"You are intelligent, beautiful, and perfect in every way. Being around you will give me an erection. It is not something I can control. I have always been careful to keep it away from you when we kiss. I have no plans to push you for more. It is my problem and I will keep it under wraps." His crude reply has me taking things more seriously. He wants a real conversation.

I think on things, what his reaction to me has been earlier in our relationship, have I never noticed before. Has he just hidden from me his interest, I mean I know he likes kissing me but nothing more. It was why I was so worried about moving forward. The whole idea that we would do more eventually never led me to think on my reactions.

"You weren't trying..." I can't say it, can't think it. I concentrate on my breathing again.

"No, and I won't. You will not get that until you decide you want it and not before." He looks so sincere. I think of when he last lied to me. Everyone lies, yet I have never caught him in one yet. Yet. How do I want to go forward? So much to think about.

I look up defiantly. "Fine." He finally relaxes. Takes a step towards me. I back up. Marcus has frozen as I realize this means I am still running not trusting. I push my shoulders back and take back my step, looking him in the face.

Marcus holds his hand out to me, his left hand. The one I always hold. The one with the scars. He is Marcus. He is kind and careful. He knows so many of my secrets and I realize that he must understand this one as well, at least a bit. He had slowed and allowed me to get myself under control, he has given me space and not pushed all morning. He walked like he was around a wounded animal or something, eyes always on me, slow and crouched. How much does he know? Do I want to open any more wounds this morning.

Blunt, I am good at blunt. "I am not ready, I don't know when or if I ever will be. Not for that." This is a time for open words, no missteps can occur. He was crude, I am blunt. It works for us. We will make it work.

"That is ok." I take his hand, he slowly pulls me to him, light so I can easily escape, he does not move, just allowing me to slowly get closer, until finally I have both arms around me and my face in his chest. Just like how he held me all night long.

"This was a very heavy sleepover." I say quietly.

"Yes, but from here we can go forward. Our past, no matter how painful, will not stop us moving forward, together." I finally let go of the last of my fear, anger, panic. Even my shame at what I had hoped last night would be is gone. I feel free. This man makes me free.

The kiss is magical. So light, just dancing on my lips, and slowly I pull for more and more. Breathless and panting I lean up with my fingers in his hair as his hands span my ass and lift slightly. I twitch when I feel his bulge again. No longer trying to hide, no longer feeling like he has to I guess. Showing me his interest. He slows down. Lips still on mine, yet less insistent. I take a second, search for the rise of fear that always seems to be ready for me. I find nothing but a rush of excitement and push harder against him, ignoring the steel at my hip. He groans in my mouth as I moan in his.

Eventually he puts me down off my tippy toes and we catch our breath. He turns a bit and puts his hand in his jeans and I step back confused. He does a little jiggle and twist, I raise my eyebrows at him.

He raises his back. "You never saw a guy have to adjust himself?"

"I never looked. I don't pay attention to guys."

"What about gym class, I always had to readjust myself after running or something."

With my arms still on his shoulders, as I can no longer reach his neck, I swing my head back and forth staring up at him. "Never payed attention."

"Well I was just trying to get comfortable. Come on I know there is some oatmeal in one of the cupboards we can make then we need to catch the bus soon."

"Its still really early. We usually have tons of time to get ready in the morning."

Turning back to the stove to check on the fire, Marcus calls over his shoulder; "Two hour bus ride."

"Right, I will find oatmeal, you keep watch on the fire, its actually getting really warm in here now." I actually feel good enough that the last comes out a bit sultry and I do something I never felt the need to try before, a small twist of my hips as I walk to the mini kitchen.