Since I was a little girl I've suffered from depression. I remember my first suicide attempt. I was around 7 or 9 years old. I tried to suffocate myself with my blanket by stuffing it down my throat, it didn't work. I continued on with my life miserable, but unaware that these feelings weren't normal. My mother and and her boyfriend abused me most of my life both mentally and physically. When I confronted my mom about the way she used to treat me she tells me to get over it or deny it. It makes me feel insane like it never happened and that I pictured it all. When I got into middle school I was bullied and outcasted by everyone. I couldn't be happy anywhere I went, not home or at school. My mom didn't let me have any friends or visit family members, it was me and my room which was more of a cage. The thoughts of suicide have been with me since that night with my blanket. My second attempt was when I was in 9th grade I tried to down a bunch of pills, but I didn't take enough and just got sick. The third time was the charm, I overdosed on a bunch of pills I stole from the cabinets in my house. After crying for what felt like a lifetime I crawled into my bed with all my stuffed animals and told myself everything would be okay and that the pain would be gone soon. An hour later my body started to fight back and I passed out, my parents found me and took me to the hospital where they "saved" me. I didn't want to be saved.
Since that night I've been too scared to try again. I don't want to suffer like that again and then just be brought back to suffer even more. Throughout the rest of my high school years my pain would come and go. I was never complete inside. I felt more worthless with every passing year. My senior year was shit. I was so broken. I bought a pet rabbit to comfort myself but my mom killed her out of anger. She wanted to hurt me. I left that night and never went back.
So now my 20th birthday is approaching fast. I'm still depressed and worthless. I see no bliss. Just a dark void growing inside of me. I have nothing. I see no future. So what's the point anymore? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been thinking about ending everything again, it seems logical. Why am I writing this? Maybe someone will reach out to me and tell me something so wonderful that I will want to try again.
