jaemin's journal || renmin

the first and last .

lowercase intended

there renjun was, sitting in jaemin's room, the boy he had broken a little too many times. renjun doesn't know what he did to deserve a friend like jaemin. the younger was accepting, kind, funny, and most importantly very forgiving. maybe a little too forgiving. ah! the word friend. renjun definitely didn't deserve the title "friend" not with the way he treated the younger. renjun was snapped out of his thoughts when a way too familiar "ding!" echoed throughout the room. he glanced at his phone only to see a message from his boyfriend, jeno. he quickly powered off his phone and turned his attention to the small white journal sitting in his lap. he ran his hand over the smooth yet rough cover and admired the "property of na jaemin :)" written neatly on the front of it. oh how renjun loved the boy's handwriting. it was neat and he liked the way the younger's words slanted right and how he dotted his i's and crossed his t's, he could go on all day about the younger's handwriting, but when a pang of anxiety settled in his stomach he knew what he was really there to do. he was supposed to go through the contents of na jaemin's journal. surely the younger wouldn't mind. pfffft of course he wouldn't mind. renjun quickly flipped the page to the most but not so recent entry.

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july 9th, 2018

renjun and jeno have become closer, i hope renjun doesn't forget about me. i really want him to be happy though !

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july 11th, 2018

i asked renjun if he wanted to go to the movies and he said "no, i'm hanging out with jeno tonight." i really hope he doesn't forget about me :(

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july 28th, 2018

renjun hasn't talked to me in a while and he's been interacting with jeno ALOT more. maybe he likes jeno? as much as that hurts me, i hope he's happy. i just want him to be happy.

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july 29th, 2018

i really started to think renjun forgot about me but maybe i was wrong. he talked to me today :) but he only asked for "love" advice. i tried to convince him that i knew nothing about "love" but he didn't seem convinced. if i truly knew about love i would've confessed to him already! i love him so much. hopefully he notices.

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july 30th, 2018

renjun and jeno disappeared during lunch today. i asked chenle and jisung where they went and they said to check the rooftop. i went to the rooftop to look for them but was surprised to see the 2 kissing. i quickly ran away before either of them saw me. my heart ached. but maybe jeno is better than me and renjun will never see me the way i see him. i truly love him.

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august 3rd, 2018

renjun hasn't talked to me and i honestly have stopped making an effort to talk to him. i guess he really has forgotten about me. hopefully he cares about me in 10 days.

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august 5th, 2018

renjun talked to me today, he said he's sorry for being distant lately and asked me to forgive him. i did but hopefully he doesn't forget about me again :(

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august 8th, 2018

i thought about confessing to renjun, maybe i'll get us matching bracelets and a card? i hope he likes it. i love him so much.

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august 9th, 2018

i gave him the bracelet and card today. he smiled at the bracelet but frowned at the card. he walked away, throwing the card in the trash as he left and left me a crying mess. is this what rejection feels like?

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august 12, 2018

renjun has been avoiding me since i gave him the card. did i make things awkward? probably . i ruined my most meaningful friendship just because i couldn't keep my feelings to myself. hopefully everything gets better tomorrow, it is my birthday after all.

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renjun stopped reading for a brief moment. he knew august 13th way too well and perhaps this is the saddest entry in jaemin's journal.

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august 13th, 2018

today my heart was broken.

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*flashback*

i scooted closer to jeno at the lunch table and tried to get everyone's attention.

"UHM GUYS?"

all eyes were on me.

"i have an announcement."

silence

"me and jeno are together," i said as i hugged jeno.

chenle and lucas immediately started screeching as donghyuck, mark, and jisung congratulated us. everyone was happy except for jaemin. he was pale as if he had seen a ghost, before i could ask if he was ok, he stared at me with his glossy, chocolate brown orbs, a hint of sadness in them and ran out of the cafeteria.

i didn't see him for the rest of the day. i never saw him again.

*flashback ends*
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tears threatened to fall out of renjun's eyes as he eyed the 5 words under august 13th's entry. he caused all of this. jaemin's heartbreak, jaemin's sadness, he even caused jaemin's suicide.

renjun truly felt horrible and if only he could comfort jaemin. if only he could tell jaemin he loved him. if only he could tell jaemin he was deeply sorry. if only he could spend time with jaemin like they used to. if only he could bring jaemin back.

but no. he was faced with the harsh reality that jaemin was gone and there was no one to blame but renjun.

and that's all renjun thought as he fell to the floor, sobbing and screaming "i love you, jaemin" and "please come back" but he was left without jaemin, a sobbing mess with only memories of the once bright boy and a bracelet.

"please come back"

end.