The sea, the place where I felt a home; the sea, the place where it ended.
13th June, 2013
I sat under the gray clouds, ruminating over myself. It was one of the only times I ever thought of introspection. One would call me overbearing or maybe even a stone hearted person. But, maybe because there really is a stone inside of me. Remorse, I felt more than I could express; guilt, more than I thought possible; and pain, more than I could stand.
A fine and sun- less day to die. The clouds spoke my mind's gloomy thoughts, and the only nuisance around my beach house was my neighbour. The neighbour I speak of is a menace, playing music at the top of the volume, at the highest of decibels I could possibly think possible. He had arrived only the day before and he was already acting like the ruler of the city; I scorned him, I detested his guts.
With music so loud, and booming, it wasn't helping my migraine. And it went on for the whole night. I tried being polite to him, and even went to knock which gradually escalated to kicks and banging on his stiff glass door. But I was i-g-n-o-r-e-d.
Since my house was built on a higher ground, it was a floor ahead of his, which served as a minute consolation for me.
I had posted my suicide letter to my mum just the morning, not exactly explaining why because I wasn't sure myself. But, informing her for the mere reason that she was my mother. She would only get it later though, because she was out with the boss on a business trip.
Down went a painkiller, dusting my scorched throat, for Kyungmi; down went another for Eunjung; down another for Aesook; down another for Suyi; down one more for Naeun and one more for Areum.
My tongue went bland. This is what death tastes like, I thought.
All of a sudden, my throat, my lungs, my wine pipe, everything felt choked with something other than my pills: it was the smell of smoke; black smoke. From a fire. Nearby. And I was dying from the smoke. Not my pills. It made me feel so annoyed, I shouted out, "Fuck my life!" Threw up all my pills, drunk water and went down. It came from my neighbour's house, out of a window.
I rang the doorbell, there was no sound inside.
"Lord, forgive me." I cried and threw a brick at the door. It came down crashing. I opened the door, let myself in, and gave a pleased smile to myself.
The fire hasn't spread to the ground floor yet, and it seems he was too lazy to actually pour gasoline there. There were hardly any furniture. It could fool a person if they were told that it was on sale.
I ran up to the room where the fire came from.
I couldn't help the coughs and in the middle of this nuisance and heat, laid the man responsible for it. He seemed to be so peaceful, sleeping, even. I tired slapping him awake which didn't work.
I glanced up, an idea struck my mind.
The laptop was open next to his bedside, and it was pretty easy to hack into for the main reason that t was a family home.
"Change the security setting." I licked my lips with glee, and then water trickled down like spring rain. It woke him up.
The man was a pleasant faced fellow, in his early twenty's probably. He had light red dyed hair, a pale and swollen face and seemed to be weak.
But all the pity which had accumulated disappeared when he opened his foul mouth.
"Who the fuck are you?" He said, calmly. I boiled with rage, and I felt as if I would explode.
"Who the fuck are you" I replied, and then noticed mild sedatives on the bedside table. It softened me. "And, don't go trying to kill yourself. Life doesn't come to you twice."
I laughed at myself inside my head. The girl who tried to die a moment ago preaching about life to someone else is a first rate hypocrisy.
"Shut it." He mumbled. "I wasn't trying to kill myself."
"Don't lie to me" I pointed to an empty can of gasoline, as proof.
"I'm not. A cat must have knocked it out." He pursued. "But hearing you rambling so much makes me want to kill myself."
"Suit yourself." I said, with wounded pride and curtly said, "you're welcome though."
I climbed the tree between our houses, and noticed that it opened to the balcony. I could have been seen trying to swallow those pills.
"And who the hell are you?" He yelled at my back.
I have a dramatic turn and yelled, "Park Hwayang!"
"Long time, Min YoonJi!" I said again.
"Son of a- it's YoonGi!" He yelled at my back again.
I raised my middle finger at him. "I don't give a fuck!" Was what I wanted to say, but it ended with "I don't gi-cough cough- a fu- sneezes- ck"
That evening I contemplated several things inside my head. I couldn't die yet. In case the man Min YoonGi decided to end his sorry life, it would be way too close to mine. And may seem to be double suicide. And even at death there was nothing worse than being mistaken to be a partner of a wimp.
As I watched 'Psycho Pass', I suddenly realised something.
"Darn!" I cried out. "The pizza guy!"
