She was one of the lucky ones, she was adopted right away to an amazing and loving family. She was one of the lucky ones, her brother and his friends were with her through her depression and suicide attempts. She was lucky... that is until the day she wasn't...
It was May 3rd, 2016 when it all happened. Her and I were headed to a concert in a nearby city when a driver who was texting, rear-ended us, slamming the car into the intersection.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, concern filling my eyes. She nodded in response. An air horn blew, like the ones semi's have. My eyes widened and I quickly threw the car in reverse slamming on the gas pedal. We didn't move. We looked out her window as the dark green semi slammed into the passenger side of the car. Everything went black...
I could feel slight electrical currents being pulsed through my body every few seconds. The shocks were getting stronger until I awoke with a gasp. Air rushed into my lungs and I started to cough. Opening my eyes there was a paramedic leaning over me.
"Where is she? Is she okay?" I started to turn to see if I could find her but I was strapped down to a backboard.
"Sir, please don't move." I found my best friend's hand and held onto it. She didn't grip mine back.
"Oh God, oh God. Please don't be dead. Oh God, no." Tears started to form and pour down my face as I realized she was gone. "No... no... no..." It was all i could manage to say...
While in the hospital her family came to see me as I recovered. I couldn't even go to her funeral. I felt awful, this was all my fault.
"I'm so sorry... It's all my fault..." I cried as her mother held me.
"It's not your fault sweetie. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time." She started to cry with me.
Her brother came to visit separately one day and sat watching me from the chair in the corner.
"Why aren't these marks going away? I hate them. They remind me of something I just want to forget." I stared at the one visible mark that showed on my chest over the neckline of the hospital gown.
"They're burn scars from the defibrillator. They show your strength and your will to fight. We both know her fight has been gone for a long time."
"But she was getting better. She had more fight in her than what she's had for a very long time. Why didn't they try to save her? They didn't even try! Why did it have to be me?"
"I don't know..."
Her brother stood from the chair and moved to the edge of the bed. He took my hand squeezing it and gave me a sad smile.
"If the roles had been reversed I'd be having this conversation with her. You meant so much to her, like I know she meant to you. She would have taken her life the second she was out of here because she wouldn't have one of her main supports."
"I can't sleep... I keep having it play in my head on repeat. Hell, I can't close my eyes because all I can see is her terrified eyes as I tried to move the car. I want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up in my bed. I want to roll over and grab my phone to see thirty texts and ten missed calls from her, all telling me to wake up. That she was in my kitchen waiting for me to take her to school. But I know I won't. I know this is reality and something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I don't know if I have the fight to go on."
He nodded silently knowing I didn't want him to tell me it was going to be okay because for all I knew it was going to be.
I'm telling you this story because you can find light in the darkest moments in life. My best friend may have died but it caused me to see that you never know when the end of your story is. May 3rd may have been hers and hopefully mine won't be for a very long time. If you think the dreams will never end, they will in time but they never completely leave. I still wake up at night from these dreams. When this happens I am able to turn to hold my wife close and fall back asleep.
