Amnesia // grester hartbig mace

Amnesia

Amnesia

WARNING: I don't think Mamrie is awful. I love Mamrie Hart, and I'll shout it from the mountaintops. This is fanfiction. Mamrie is actually lovely.
This fanfic is dedicated to the girl I love, and am too scared to tell her. Because I'm pretty sure she's straight, and I'm still closeted.
Also, this fanfic is dedicated to 5SOS, for their kickass song!
Alright loves, keep it real!
-ninja.
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I can still feel it. The cold breeze hit my face as she slammed the door. When she left a month ago, how we both threw things at each other, and how the tears streamed down her beautiful face, making her mascara run.
Now I'm only left with the memories and photos of her. And let's not forget Instagram, but she blocked me two weeks ago.
The photos I have are from our first date, the times we did collaborations, and the cute messages from snapchat, which she hated when I screenshot them, because she claimed she looked hideous.
But let's be honest, there is no way on earth to make Grace Anne Helbig hideous.
I always wondered why she was still with me.
What did she see in me?
Did she see anything in me?
Was it all just a lie?
A game?

I just wish I could let go, and forget it. Clearly she has, and I should too. But every time I try, my mind flashes to our first kiss in that gross bar that she loved to go to, The Snake's Poison; the time when we went to the park when we were wasted and reenacted the Titanic scene, and how she said, "Never let me go, Jack." I whispered in her ear, "I'll never let you go, Rose." I meant it. I swore that I never would. But I did. Somewhere, I messed up.
At some point, I did something wrong and it made her leave.
I can still remember her telling me, "I'm leaving you, Hannah. I'm also leaving, in general.
For a while."
"Mamrie and I are going to be doing a web series around the US. As for our professional relationship, we are still friends. We will do rare collaborations, but we will be friends. Our personal relationship," she paused, trying to catch her breath from all the sobbing and talking, "I.... I want... nothing to do with you." With that, she slammed the door.
I remember our breakup like it was yesterday, even though it's been a month.
I type the memorized digits into my phone, and I call the person who I've needed to talk to.
"Hello?"
"Mamrie, it's Hannah."
I hear a pause, and then a sharp inhale from the other line.
"Hannah, she's fine. Personally, I think she's better without you, and she agrees."
The sharp words slice through my train of thought, and kicked at the crotch of my feels.
"I-I.... Is Chester there?"
"Of course he is. They're together. You need to accept that. Now, as a friend," Friend? Where'd that come from?
She took Grace's side, and she hated me the whole two years we were together.
"I would tell you to stop being pathetic, and move on. Alright, goodbye."
Chester's there. That made me angry. He was my friend, too.
Mamrie took Grace from me, and my friends. She'd always hated the thought of Hartbig, I could tell. Jealous, even.
She wanted Grester to happen. Poor Grace would listen to Mamrie every time. She was her best friend, who thinks she always knows what's best for Grace.
For once, I'd like to hear from Grace alone. To hear how she really felt.
I imagine Chester lying in bed with Grace, on the right side. The side I would sleep on.
If I were where he is, I'd hold her and never let her go. Never again. But there isn't another chance. You can't just rewind the time, as much as I'd love to.
To find out where it went wrong.
To fix it before it was too late.
So, here I am, in the parking lot of the Snake's Poison. The now closed bar. I remember Grace would tell me that one of her dreams was to buy the bar, and fix it up a little bit.
"It only needs a bit of love," she would say. She would paint over the walls, except for the design of a snake wearing a cowboy hat while taking a shot of some type of alcohol.
Reflecting on these memories makes me think that she didn't only leave me behind.
She left that dream with me.
She probably never told Mamrie.
It's sad to go to a place where so many important events in your life happen, and you realize it's not the same. Grace is no longer there in the corner, drinking absinthe. The bartender, who happened to be my cousin, is no longer there, either. He's not even here. He died three months ago, after a drunk driver slammed into the side of his car. How sadly ironic it is.
I grab the chisel I brought out of the trunk of my car, and after an hour or so, pack up and leave.

•Two Weeks Later•
-Grace-

I hear the doorbell, and I run to answer it, hoping it's her. Hoping that she still loves me in return.
No, I can't wish her to be here. That would be unfair to Chester, and Mamrie.
Hannah hasn't contacted me since we broke up. Mamrie got me into counseling, and the counselor checks on me, and asks if I'm okay.
Mamrie always tells her that I'm fine, and then leaves the room to talk to her privately. I always wonder why she leaves the room.
Mamrie acts more and more like a mother to me every day.
I open the door to see a stout elderly man dressed in blue.
"Are you Ms. Helbig?"
"Yes, that would be me."
"You have a package."
A package?
"Where is it?"
He chuckles and says, "We're wheeling it in right now. We just need your signature."
It's that big?!
I sign the paper, and a big man wheels in a box that barely fits through the door.
Thanking the man, I shut the door and grab my scissors.
So many packing peanuts. JESUS.
After sifting through, I find a letter that says:
I'll never let you go, Rose.
My heart stops, and I start digging through the peanuts like that kid in Holes.
At the bottom, there's something really heavy.
Using the little to no upper body strength I have, I somehow pick it out of the box.
I put it down, and start to cry.
Another note is taped to it.
'I understand you're happy. I would say I'm happy for you, but I'd be lying. I wish I could wake up with amnesia. I wish I could forget the way I held you at night, and the times we talked about our future and our dreams. I remember your dream, but I think you've forgotten, so here's a reminder.'
The slab of cement is the snake drinking poison, and it is a sight for my sore eyes.
I grab my keys and get into the car, but then I hear the passenger door open, and a voice say, "Where are you going? You have a date with Chester."
It's Mamrie.
I sigh, and get out of the car.
I wish I could wake up with amnesia, and forget all of the past month without her.
He's going to propose tonight.
I don't want to let Mamrie down, but I want to be happy, and happiness would have the cost of losing Mamrie. I need her. She's told me multiple times.
I need to be more selfless. I need to put other people's needs before mine. Chester deserves happiness.
Mamrie deserves happiness.
Hannah doesn't deserve to be stuck with me.
I don't know what she sees in me. She needs to find someone who will treat her like a queen. She deserves that. She deserves someone who does romantic gestures, and who has a sense of humor, and is smart.
And Chester? He deserves someone who really loves him. He's a great guy.
For the first time in a while, I made my own decision. I got in the car and drove away.

I never went to the date.
I never went back to Hannah.
I let go, so Hannah wouldn't have to.
I left, so Chester wouldn't make a massive mistake.
And I made my final decision, so Mamrie wouldn't have to decide for me anymore.

I'm sorry, Jack.